Understanding trauma bonds in narcissistic relationships

Bonds are the emotional connections that help us build relationships. They can foster closeness, understanding, and empathy and help us feel seen and heard by the people we love. However, bonds can take many forms, and without healthy boundaries in place, they can become unhealthy. This dynamic is often seen in narcissistic relationships and is sometimes referred to as a trauma bond. 

A note on terminology: In this article, we’ll be discussing narcissistic relationships. However, it’s important to keep in mind that a person can engage in narcissistic behaviors (like love bombing, gaslighting, and other forms of manipulation and control) without meeting the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). 

In addition, while the term “narcissist” is frequently used in popular media, we’ll be avoiding it here as part of our ongoing efforts to promote inclusive, person-first language in conversations about mental health. While this article focuses on supporting people who have experienced narcissistic abuse, we want to affirm that everyone — including people with narcissistic tendencies — deserves compassion, respect, and access to quality mental healthcare. 

Six signs you might be in a trauma bond

Trauma bonds are the emotional attachments that can form between people in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. If you’re in a narcissistic relationship, some signs that you might be in a trauma bond include:

1. Feeling unable to leave your partner, even if you know the relationship is unhealthy
2. Blaming yourself (unfairly) for the abuse
3. Making excuses for your partner’s behavior, both to yourself and other people
4. Avoiding expressing your true feelings about your partner’s behavior
5. Fixating on the relationship, even if it’s over
6. Wanting to help and support your partner, even if the relationship has ended and despite the harm caused

The care you need, when you need it

Learn how Rula can support your mental health journey

Subscribe

I agree to receive emails from Rula and accept the terms outlined in Client Email Consent and Privacy Policy.

How can you end up attached to someone with narcissistic traits?

We don’t yet fully understand all the reasons a person might end up attached to someone with NPD or narcissistic traits. But if this has happened to you, remember that it’s not your fault. No one intentionally sets out to form a trauma bond or enter an abusive relationship. However, there are a few factors that may make a person more vulnerable to these dynamics. 

If a parent or other family member exhibited narcissistic tendencies when you were growing up, you may have some attachment challenges. This may lead you to repeat the narcissistic relationship patterns you witnessed in your family with romantic partners later in life. However, you don’t need to have a family history of narcissism to become attached to someone with narcissistic traits. 

Sometimes, narcissistic abuse itself can create a trauma bond. This is because it can erode your self-esteem and leave you feeling emotionally dependent on an abusive partner. In addition, people with narcissistic tendencies may go back and forth between being loving and supportive and critical and manipulative. These rapid shifts may lead you to question whether the abuse is really happening or if it’s your fault. But remember, no one deserves abuse. And, with the right support, you can break free from a trauma bond and end a narcissistic relationship.

Do people with NPD feel the trauma bond too?

One of the most challenging aspects of NPD is that people with the condition often lack insight into their behavior. The abusive tactics that might be visible to others may feel completely justified to them. This is because people with NPD often feel a sense of superiority, and any attempt to connect with others may be a way to seek validation or achieve some other personal gain. 

Deciding to break the traumatic cycle

When you’re ready to break the traumatic cycle, recovery from a trauma bond with someone who has NPD is possible with the right support. 

• Strengthen your support network. Whether it’s having a conversation with a trusted friend or joining a support group, sharing your experience can be empowering. You may also get the chance to learn what others have gone through and how they’ve overcome their trauma bonds. 
• Write it down. Narcissistic abuse often involves manipulation tactics that can make you question your sense of reality. By taking some notes about what you’re experiencing (and keeping them in a safe, secure spot), you can better understand yourself and begin to see the cycle of abuse more clearly.
• Go “no contact.” If you end a relationship with someone with narcissistic tendencies, they may attempt to lure you back into an unhealthy dynamic. So, to prevent this, you may want to remove their contact information from your phone, make your social media accounts private, and take any other steps you can to prevent them from contacting you.

A note to the reader: If you feel unsafe in your relationship for any reason, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by dialing 800-799-7233 for confidential support. 

Healing trauma from narcissistic abuse with therapy

Experiencing abuse of any kind can have long-lasting effects on your mental health and overall well-being. So, if you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, don’t hesitate to ask for help. A trauma-informed therapist can help you repair your self-esteem, practice setting healthy boundaries, and learn to communicate assertively. They can also help you learn to spot the signs of narcissism and avoid unhealthy relationship dynamics in the future.

Find care with Rula

Narcissistic relationships often involve trauma bonds. These unhealthy connections can prolong abusive relationships and make the person experiencing narcissistic abuse feel emotionally reliant on their partner. But fortunately, with the right support, you can break the cycle and learn to form the healthy, loving relationships you deserve.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 10,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

Find a therapist with Rula