What is trauma bonding? Identifying the signs and four ways to recover

People often use the word “bond” in a positive context when describing relationships. For example, friends may bond over a love of music, or cousins may share a special bond after years of shared summer vacations. In many cases, a bond represents a strong connection based on love, friendship, and respect.

But not all relationship bonds are positive. In cases of trauma bonding, a person develops an unhealthy attachment to an abusive partner. Instead of mutual respect and emotional security, there’s a power imbalance that leaves one person depending on the other for care, validation, and support. 

What is trauma bonding?

A trauma bond is an unhealthy emotional connection that develops between a person and someone who causes them trauma or harm. It involves a toxic cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement, often including the following seven stages:

1. Love bombing
2. Trust and dependency
3. Devaluation
4. Gaslighting
5. Resignation
6. Loss of self and value
7. Emotional dependence

Trauma bonding often happens in romantic relationships but can involve any situation where one person is exploiting or abusing another. For example, trauma bonds can develop between friends, colleagues, in cases of elder abuse, and as a result of adverse childhood experiences. People with dependent personalities, separation anxiety, insecure attachment styles, or a history of abuse may have an increased risk for trauma bonding. 

Signs and symptoms of trauma bonding

It’s not always easy to recognize when you’re in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. Trauma bonds tend to be cyclical, meaning there are periods of good followed by bad, and are based on a power imbalance. When an abuser does something harmful, the other person may justify or make excuses for the behavior by saying something like:

“They’re under a lot of pressure at work, so they can’t help how they’re acting right now. They’ll make it up to me later” or “It’s my fault that they reacted that way. I made them angry.”

Other potential warning signs of a trauma bond include:

• Feeling a strong emotional attachment to your abuser
• Being unwilling or unable to leave the relationship (even if you don’t feel happy)
• Protecting the other person by keeping abusive behavior a secret
• Distancing yourself from people who are trying to help
• Focusing on the “good” times to prove that the other person cares about you
• Hoping the other person will eventually change

Over time, this cycle of abuse can create a psychological dependency on the abuser, leading to long-term mental and emotional consequences. Symptoms of trauma bonding include:

• Emotional instability
• Loneliness
• Desire for abuser’s attention
• Trouble setting boundaries 
• Self-blame and distorted thinking 

Steps to break a trauma bond

Breaking the trauma bond is essential to healing and moving forward. It’s not always easy, but having a clear plan can help you end the toxic cycle. 

1. Acknowledge the abuse. The first step in ending an unhealthy relationship is to recognize that you’re in one. Once you’re aware of the patterns of abuse, you can begin to understand how it’s affecting you mentally, emotionally, and physically. Therapy is a great resource for helping you recognize and acknowledge the abuse and how it’s affecting you.
2. Create a safety plan. Before you break the trauma bond, consider creating a safety plan. A safety plan is a personalized, practical plan that helps people prioritize their safety and well-being as they leave an abusive situation. Safety plans typically include a list of trusted individuals, a safe space to stay, and emergency contact information and resources.
3. Set boundaries. It’s important to establish clear boundaries that prioritize your safety and allow you to distance yourself from the abuser. Research suggests that setting boundaries is essential for recovering from trauma and prioritizing growth among women who have experienced intimate partner violence. 
4. Don’t look back. Once you decide to end an abusive relationship, try to make a clean break. Removing yourself from the situation for good will allow you to focus on creating safety, security, and emotional well-being moving forward. 

If you need help ending a toxic relationship, there are several national hotlines that offer 24/7 support, including:

• The National Domestic Violence Support Hotline: Call 1-800-799-7233 or text “START” to 88788
• Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: Call 1-800-422-4453 or text 1-800-422-4453

Four ways to heal from a trauma bond

Similar to other forms of trauma, trauma bonds can harm your mental health. Research links trauma bonds to depression, low self-esteem, and limited sense of self. 

Trauma bonds can also interfere with your ability to develop other healthy interpersonal relationships. But with access to the right resources and support, it is possible to heal from the trauma.

If you’re recovering from an unhealthy or abusive relationship, it’s important to:

1. Seek professional help

Therapy provides a safe space for people to understand their experiences, process difficult emotions, and develop healthy coping strategies. It’s especially helpful to find a therapist who specializes in trauma-informed care and has experience helping people overcome toxic relationships and emotional abuse. 

2. Create a trusted support system 

Leaving a relationship can be isolating, so surround yourself with positive and uplifting people. Reach out to trusted family and friends to cultivate a dependable support network that you can rely on as you recover and grow. Support groups and group therapy are another opportunity to safely share your experience with people who can empathize with your journey.

3. Reestablish your personal identity

Being in an abusive relationship can affect how you view yourself and the world around you. Prioritize self-discovery and personal growth by setting goals, exploring your passions and interests, and focusing on your future.

4. Remember to practice self-care

Ending a toxic relationship isn’t easy, so remember to show yourself compassion as you navigate this new chapter. Whether it’s journaling, long walks, or mindfulness exercises, find ways to reduce stress and anxiety while fostering confidence and growth. Self-care also involves focusing on positive thoughts and affirmations and letting go of any blame or self-criticism. 

Find care with Rula

Being in an abusive relationship can be isolating, but remember that help is always available. If you’ve experienced trauma and you have any of the symptoms listed above, consider consulting a mental health professional. 

At Rula, our care coordinators are available to help you find a trauma-informed therapist who is in-network with your insurance and accepting new clients so that you can be seen as soon as tomorrow.

Get started with Rula today

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