How to support someone with depression

If you think a friend or family member might be living with depression, one of the best things you can do is learn more about the signs and symptoms. Remember, depression is more than just a temporary period of sadness or “being in a funk.” Everyone feels down sometimes, especially after experiencing something difficult, like a loss or major life change. But with depression, those feelings persist and can interfere with daily life, lasting for weeks or even longer. 

Sometimes, you can tell a person is depressed by their behavior. For example, they might stop leaving their home or taking care of their basic needs. Other times, people with depression can seem OK on the outside. They might be keeping up with responsibilities at school, work, and home and may even appear happy. Some people refer to this as “high-functioning depression,” where, despite outward appearances, the person is still suffering internally.  

Once you’ve spotted signs of depression in a loved one, you might not be sure what to do. You likely want to help but may worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. First, know that if you’ve had these thoughts, you’re not alone and it’s OK to feel unsure. The most important thing to keep in mind is that, while your support can’t take the place of professional mental healthcare, it can make a meaningful difference for your loved one. Being present, listening without judgment, and encouraging them to seek help are small steps that can have a big impact.

How can friends and family help someone who has depression?

You know your friend or family member best. So as you review the suggestions below, think about what might be most helpful for them. It’s OK if some of these ideas resonate more than others. 

1. Be present. One of the most challenging aspects of depression is that it can lead to isolation. Often, people with this condition start spending more time alone than with others. They may also stop doing group or social activities or participating in hobbies they used to enjoy. They might even worry that their symptoms may be a burden to others. You can help your loved one feel less alone by simply being present in their lives. A quick call, email, or text a few times a week can show that you care.
2. Don’t force it. Watching someone you care about experiencing a mental health condition can be challenging. To you, it might seem like something that needs to be addressed immediately, and your concerns might be valid. But remember, your loved one will seek help on their own timeline. Just try to be a consistent, supportive presence.
3. Be vulnerable. Talking about mental health isn’t always easy. Unfortunately, there’s still some stigma around getting help and, understandably, this can keep people from opening up. So if you’ve had some mental health challenges of your own, talking about them might help your friend or loved one feel more comfortable voicing theirs. 
4. Avoid overfunctioning. If you live with someone who has depression, you might witness them having trouble caring for themselves or completing tasks. It might be tempting to take everything off their plate to make things easier for them. But at the same time, this could lead to burnout and make it harder to offer support. Instead, see if you can simplify some tasks and help your loved one identify things they can do themselves.
5. Practice self-care. Supporting someone with depression can be emotionally draining. It’s important to prioritize your own well-being too. Make sure to carve out time for activities that rejuvenate you, whether physical (sleep, exercise, and nutritious food) or emotional (taking breaks and engaging in hobbies). Caregivers need care too.
6. Encourage treatment. Research shows that social support can help alleviate symptoms of depression. But it’s not a replacement for professional help. Most people living with clinical depression require treatment to manage their symptoms. You can encourage your loved one to seek help by offering to help them find a therapist they can meet with in person or online. If possible, you can also offer to assist with things like transportation or childcare if that would make it easier for them to access care. 

A note on safety: Living with untreated depression can lead to self-harm and increased risk for suicide. If you’re worried about your loved one’s safety, don’t hesitate to reach out to the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 from any phone. They offer confidential support 24/7.

Scripts for talking to a loved one about depression

If you’ve identified that your loved one might be living with depression, you might still be wondering how to start the conversation. Again, you know your friend or family member best. So feel free to modify any of the suggestions below to help you talk to your loved one about depression.

1. “I’ve really missed you at pickleball practice these past few weeks. I just want you to know I’m thinking of you and that I’m always here if you need to talk. I’ll check in again in a few days.”
2. “I get it, starting therapy can seem like a big step, and it’s OK if you’re not ready to do that today. But if that changes and you need a hand finding someone to talk to, just let me know.”
3. “I don’t think you know this about me, but a few years ago, I was in a pretty rough place. I lost my job and went through an awful breakup, and things sort of spiraled. Before I knew it, I wasn’t myself, and it seemed like depression had taken hold of my life. I know our situations aren’t identical, but I just want you to know that you’re not alone.”
4. “I really appreciate you telling me a little bit about what’s going on with you lately. Thank you for trusting me with that. Opening up isn’t always easy, and I think it’s a really brave thing to do. Just know that I’m here to help if I can. Is there anything I can help you with today?”
5. “I want you to know that I love and care about you no matter what’s going on with your mental health. You’re important to me, and I’m sorry you’re going through this.”

What NOT to say to someone who has depression

If someone you care about has depression, avoid saying things like:

• “Just cheer up!”
• “You know, other people have it a lot worse.”
• “What do you have to be sad about? Look at everything you have!”
• “Just snap out of it.”
• “You’re so selfish.”
• “You’d feel better if you wanted to.”
• “It seems like something is always wrong.”

These kinds of statements can minimize what the person is experiencing and make them feel misunderstood. Depression isn’t a matter of choice or attitude, and comments like these can discourage them from seeking support.

Supporting someone with depression who doesn’t want help

If someone you care about is struggling, it’s natural to want to intervene. But that isn’t easy to do when the person isn’t ready to seek help. As much as you may desperately want your loved one to begin the healing process, it typically isn’t helpful to try to force someone to access treatment when they’re not ready. 

So instead, focus on being a consistent, compassionate presence. Offer validation and encouragement, and ask open-ended questions so the person feels seen and heard. Try to avoid giving unsolicited advice, and offer to explore treatment options together whenever they feel ready. Remember, healing is a personal journey, and your patience and support can make a meaningful difference.

Find care with Rula

It can be difficult to watch someone you love navigate depression. But rest assured that there are meaningful ways you can help. With a combination of professional help and compassionate support from loved ones, your friend or family member can learn to manage their depression symptoms and improve their quality of life. 

When you or your loved one needs convenient, affordable, accessible care, we invite you to explore Rula. Our therapist-matching program makes it easy to find an in-network provider you can meet with virtually. In just a few clicks, you can select a therapist and schedule your first appointment as soon as tomorrow.

Learn more about depression