How to break free from people-pleasing habits

If you have a hard time saying “no” and often put others first, you might be engaging in people-pleasing behaviors. People who engage in people-pleasing behaviors often prioritize others’ needs, sometimes to the detriment of their own. This pattern can sometimes stem from a trauma response or a tendency to avoid conflict. But over time, it can increase stress and resentment, potentially damaging your relationships with others and yourself. 

If you find yourself falling into people-pleasing habits, change is possible. You can learn to set healthier boundaries and balance your own needs with those of others. Working with a therapist can help you uncover the root of your behaviors and learn to prioritize your well-being. 

A note on terminology: The term “people pleaser” is often used to describe someone who puts others’ needs ahead of their own. While it can be a helpful way to describe this pattern, it’s not a clinical diagnosis. People-pleasing behaviors can come from many different experiences, like wanting to avoid conflict, struggling with boundaries, or going through past trauma.

In this piece, we’ll focus on people pleasing as a behavior rather than a fixed trait. Calling yourself a “people pleaser” can make it feel like this is just who you are, but these habits can change. If you struggle with people pleasing, know that you’re not alone—and that with awareness and practice, you can learn to set healthier boundaries while still caring for others.

Signs you may be putting others first

While being considerate of others isn’t necessarily a bad thing, people pleasing can mean you’re neglecting your needs and boundaries. It’s important to watch out for these patterns, as they can impact your well-being over time. 

Signs of people pleasing include: 

• Having a hard time saying “no” to requests, even when you’re already overwhelmed
• Feeling guilty when you’re prioritizing your needs
• Agreeing to things you don’t want to do to avoid disappointing others
• Avoiding conflict, even when it negatively impacts your well-being
• Feeling anxious or uncomfortable when someone is upset with you
• Struggling to express your opinions or preferences, especially if they differ from others’
• Experiencing burnout or exhaustion from constantly meeting others’ expectations
• Believing your worth is tied to how much you can do for others

The good news is that you can break free from these patterns. Learning to set boundaries, prioritize your needs, and build self-worth beyond what you do for others is possible — with time, practice, and support.

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Why people pleasing is a red flag

When being considerate of others comes at an expense to your needs, goals, boundaries, or values, it can impact your mental well-being and relationships. Over time, this pattern can lead to:

• Burnout: Constantly prioritizing others can leave you physically and emotionally drained. You might feel exhausted, even when you’re technically “resting.”
• Increased stress: Trying to meet everyone’s expectations can put immense pressure on you and lead to chronic stress. Over time, this can affect both your mental and physical health.
• Anxiety: People pleasing often comes with anxiety — especially about disappointing others or setting boundaries. You might worry excessively about how people perceive you or feel anxious when you have to say “no.”
• Low self-esteem: If your sense of self-worth is tied to making others happy, it can be difficult to feel confident in yourself. Over time, this can reinforce the belief that your needs are less important than others’.
• Resentment: When you’re always putting others first, you may start to feel unappreciated or taken for granted. This can lead to resentment — even toward people you genuinely care about. 
• Strained relationships: Ironically, people pleasing can harm your relationships. You may struggle with honesty, suppress your true feelings, or feel like your relationships are one-sided. This can prevent you from feeling genuinely close to people.
• Suppressed emotions: Avoiding conflict and negative emotions might seem easier in the moment. But bottling up feelings can increase stress, anxiety, and even physical health issues.
• Loss of direction: When you’re constantly focused on meeting other people’s needs, your goals and dreams can fall to the wayside. Over time, you might feel like you’ve lost your sense of self and your goals don’t matter anymore.

It’s important to explore the reason behind your people-pleasing tendencies. For some, it stems from a desire to avoid conflict or gain approval, while for others, it may be linked to anxiety, past trauma, or  mental health conditions. 

People-pleasing behaviors can be associated with anxiety disorders. These can include social anxiety or generalized anxiety disorder), depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), obsessive-compulsive personality traits, and borderline personality disorder (BPD). Understanding the underlying factors can help you set healthier boundaries and feel more secure in your relationships.

Some experts suggest that people who experience trauma may exhibit a “fawn” response, in addition to the better-known fight, flight, and freeze responses. Fawning can be an extreme form of people pleasing, making it important to understand the underlying reason for your behavior. 

6 ways to stop engaging in people-pleasing habits

There are several ways to put a stop to people-pleasing habits.

1. Recognize your needs

You may have engaged in people-pleasing habits for so long that you no longer know how to recognize your needs. So, this could be a good place to start. You can’t prioritize your needs if you’re not aware of them to begin with. 

Practicing mindfulness can help you find opportunities to become more aware of what you need on a moment-by-moment basis. For example, notice when you’re hungry, tired, irritable, or when you’re feeling anxious or overwhelmed by others’ expectations. Name these needs to yourself. After you can recognize these more basic needs, you can start working toward recognizing what you need and value on a bigger scale.

2. Set boundaries

One of the hardest things to do when you’re used to people pleasing is to set boundaries and learn how to say “no.” But boundaries are essential when you value yourself and your needs. It’s about understanding that your time and energy are just as valuable as anyone else’s.

For example, you might have a relative who often comments on your appearance in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. As a person who may engage in people-pleasing behaviors, you may have previously laughed at these “jokes” in an effort to avoid conflict. But you can set a boundary without being offensive. For example you might say, “I love you, but it hurts me when you make comments like that. Let’s move on to another subject.”

3. Learn assertive communication

Learning assertive communication techniques can help you maintain your boundaries and ensure others are aware of them. 

One important assertive communication technique is to use neutral and direct language. For example, imagine a colleague asks you to work late to take on additional tasks. You know that no one else has been asked to work late, and you’ve already made plans that evening.

You might say something like, “I have a dinner reservation tonight, so I can’t stay. Let me know if there’s something I can help you with tomorrow when I clock back in in the morning.” Don’t overapologize or overexplain, but there’s also no need to use aggressive language. Keep it neutral and communicate your boundaries assertively.

4. Work on your self-worth

When you set boundaries, some people around you may get upset or uncomfortable. They may have gotten so used to you prioritizing their needs that they don’t like being told “no.” 

Try to strengthen your sense of self-worth so it isn’t solely based on others’ approval. What are your strengths? What have you accomplished, no matter how small? You can also try to work on building unconditional worth — the idea that every human being is worthwhile, regardless of who they are or what they’ve done.

Strengthening your self-esteem can make it easier to refrain from people pleasing because your sense of self-worth is no longer tied to what others think of you.

5. Build healthy relationships

It can also be helpful to build healthy relationships with people who appreciate you for who you are, not because you’re willing to neglect your own needs. Consider the people who are in your life now. Which ones would be supportive of you standing up for your needs? Who would be able to remind you of your goals when you’re about to prioritize their needs above yours?

Supportive loved ones can help you learn how to break people-pleasing habits and remind you to take care of yourself.

6. Talk to a therapist

If your people-pleasing habits are affecting your life and relationships, working with a therapist can help. A therapist can provide a supportive space to explore the reasons behind your behavior, including any underlying mental health conditions or trauma.

Common therapeutic approaches for people engaging in people-pleasing tendencies include cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which helps challenge negative thought patterns, and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), which focuses on building skills for emotional regulation and setting boundaries. These therapies can guide you in understanding the roots of your behavior and help you develop healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.

Find care with Rula

A therapist can help you address your people-pleasing habits, prioritize your needs, set boundaries, and nurture supportive relationships. 

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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