How to set boundaries in a relationship

The word “boundary” can be used in many contexts. For example, the line between one state or county and the next is sometimes referred to as a boundary. Personal boundaries work in a similar way. They’re intentional barriers between ourselves and others that are designed to protect our health and well-being. Boundaries govern how we want to be treated and what we will or won’t tolerate in a relationship. 

Many people associate boundaries with romantic relationships. But boundaries are important in relationships of all kinds. And at the end of the day, boundaries are really about your relationship with yourself. Thinking through your personal boundaries can help you honor your wants, needs, and goals in your important relationships.

What are boundaries?

Some people think of boundaries as inflexible rules that impose harsh limits on relationships. While it’s OK to have clear expectations or “deal breakers” in your relationships, healthy boundaries can be flexible and take many forms. They can also change as your relationships evolve and vary from one relationship or setting to the next. 

Boundaries represent how you want to be treated by others. But sometimes, people confuse boundaries with expectations for others’ behavior. For example, someone might say “You can’t raise your voice at me when we disagree.” While this is a completely reasonable request, it’s not quite the same as setting a boundary. Boundaries govern how we respond to others and what we will or won’t tolerate. So in this example, setting a boundary might sound like “If you raise your voice when we disagree, I’m going to discontinue the conversation by walking away.” 

The difference between these two statements might seem subtle. But it puts an important emphasis on boundaries as something that you control. Healthy boundaries keep your wants, needs, and values front and center. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” when they need to and articulate their limits while remaining open to intimacy and closeness.

Why are boundaries important?

Boundaries are important because they are a foundational element of strong relationships. They tell us what is and isn’t OK in our relationships and are an expression of self-respect. Whether at work, school, home, or in the community, boundaries help us be our full and best selves. And by taking some time to think about your personal boundaries, you can become more aware of others’ boundaries, even when they’re different from your own. 

Three steps for setting boundaries in a relationship

If you’re ready to set some boundaries in a relationship, you can use the following steps to help you get started.

1. Identify your boundaries. Before setting a boundary, think about your current relationships. Is anyone doing or saying something that hurts or bothers you? For example, let’s say your boss constantly messages you after you clock out. This frustrates you because it interferes with your family time and you feel pressured to respond.
2. Make your boundaries clear. Boundaries are easier to communicate (and follow) when they’re clear and concise. Taking our example one step further, once you realize that your boss is violating a communication boundary, you’ll need to consider how to respond. Saying “Sometimes I’m not able to get to my messages after I get home” is not as clear as saying “After I clock out, I’m busy with other responsibilities. But I’ll be happy to get back to after-hours messages when I clock in the next day.”
3. Manage boundary violations. In a perfect world, we could mention our boundaries a single time and they’d never be violated. If only! In reality, sometimes we need to have follow-up conversations. However, if someone is knowingly ignoring your requests or if their behavior is unsafe, know that you don’t need to continue having these conversations. Your boundary will also govern your behavior. If your boss continues to message you after hours, part of you respecting your boundary is to not respond. You deserve to feel safe and respected in every situation, and you have the right to change your boundaries at any time.

Keep in mind that these three steps are just a starting point. You know yourself and your situation best, and you can decide the boundary-setting behavior that works best for you. It’s also worth mentioning that setting and maintaining boundaries can be more difficult when there are imbalanced power dynamics at play. If you fear that setting a boundary could create an unsafe environment, consider seeking outside support.

Examples of healthy boundaries in relationships

Boundaries come in so many different forms. Some of the most common include:

• Emotional boundaries: I feel close and connected to my loved ones, but I don’t absorb their emotions. When my partner is angry, for example, I don’t automatically feel angry. Instead, I feel empathy.
• Physical boundaries: I don’t feel comfortable hugging new people. Instead, I extend my hand to shake when we’re introduced. 
• Intellectual boundaries: Some of my friends have very different political views than me. I can respect our differences and don’t feel the need to argue with them or convince them to think the same way I do.
• Sexual boundaries: It takes me some time to warm up to new sexual partners, and I like to take things slow. I’m able to proactively articulate the level of intimacy I’m comfortable with when the need arises and stay within my comfort level.
• Time boundaries: I can say “no” to requests for my time or attention when saying “yes” would not be best for my well-being. I don’t feel the need to justify the decision to put myself first. 
• Material boundaries: I don’t lend out the tools I use for work, even to my family. Without these tools, I couldn’t do my job, and that would seriously affect my income and stress level.
• Boundaries in digital spaces: I like to keep my private life separate from my work life. I keep my social media accounts set to private, and I don’t “friend” anyone I work with.

Find care with Rula

If you struggle to set and maintain healthy boundaries, know that you’re not alone. Many of us were not raised with good examples of what that looks like. But fortunately, with the right support, you can learn to create boundaries that center your wants, needs, and values. 

No matter the mental health or relationship issues you’re facing, with Rula, help is just a few clicks away. Our streamlined platform makes it easy to find a therapist who takes your insurance and secure a convenient online appointment as soon as tomorrow. 

Whether you need individual, couples, or family counseling, we invite you to explore our diverse network of providers and find the right therapist for your needs.

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