What is self-loathing? What causes it and how to overcome it

Most people experience  negative thoughts about themselves sometimes. These might sound like “I can’t believe I screwed that up,” “ I’ll never be as good at this as everyone else,” or “I know everyone thinks I’m a loser.” Experiencing negative self-talk once in a while does not mean that you have a mental health concern. 

But if this happens frequently and these thoughts are negatively impacting your life, it could mean that you’re dealing with low self-esteem, the effects of trauma, or an underlying mental health condition. Fortunately, thoughts aren’t set in stone, and you can learn effective methods to change them. With help from a therapist, you can begin to interrupt unhelpful patterns and reframe the way you view yourself.

What is self-loathing?

Self-loathing is a feeling of intense dislike, disgust, guilt, or shame directed toward oneself. Sometimes referred to as “self-hatred,” it usually involves a pattern of rigid self-criticism, social comparison, or feelings of unworthiness. 

People who experience chronic self-loathing may struggle with feelings of inadequacy, despite their talents and abilities. They may believe they’re unworthy of happiness or love. Their negative view of themselves may result in harsh self-criticism and difficulty acknowledging their positive attributes. For some people, these feelings significantly impact their mental health, relationships, and overall quality of life.

What causes self-loathing?

Self-loathing can take many forms and can stem from a variety of causes. Sometimes, it can be the result of feeling as if you made a mistake or disappointed someone. This is because when we excessively blame ourselves for our mistakes, it can cause us to engage in negative self-talk. 

However, self-loathing can also stem from certain environmental and physiological factors, including:

• Living with a mental health condition, like depression, borderline personality disorder, a phobia, or an eating disorder
• Experiencing childhood trauma in the form of abuse
• Experiencing social-media-induced comparison to others
• Having perfectionistic tendencies  
• Living with a substance use disorder

Seven ways to overcome self-loathing

Interrupting negative self-talk and reconstructing your self-concept can take some time. But know that if you struggle with self-loathing, you can work to overcome it with the right support. For some people, this means seeking help from a mental health professional to address their underlying concerns. 

But there are some things you can do on your own to help you strengthen your self-esteem and learn to see yourself in a more positive light. These include:

1. Increasing your self-awareness: Learning more about yourself and the source of your self-loathing is an important first step. This insight can help you identify possible triggers and develop healthy coping strategies.  
2. Challenging negative thoughts: When you have a negative thought about yourself, pause to ask yourself if it’s really true. It may be easy to just accept these damaging thoughts as facts. But by challenging them, you’ll likely discover that you have some compelling evidence to contradict them.
3. Making a list of your positive attributes: Take a few minutes each day to reflect on your positive qualities and write them down. They can be small things, like supporting a friend or having great taste in books or movies. By getting into this habit, you can train your brain to begin noticing positive things about yourself throughout the course of your day.
4. Trying to avoid comparison: Social media has made it especially easy to compare ourselves to others. But it isn’t the only source of comparison in our lives. If you tend to compare yourself to friends, family, or coworkers, remember that no one is perfect. Focus on your own uniqueness, and know that outward appearances don’t tell the full story of someone’s life.
5. Building a habit of positive self-talk: It might feel a little silly at first, but you can challenge negative self-talk by saying positive affirmations out loud. For example, you might say something like “I’m strong, I’m capable, and I can handle whatever comes my way today.” 
6. Strengthening your support network: Think about the people you spend the most time with. How do you feel when you’re together? Focus on your friends, family, and colleagues who leave you feeling most uplifted. Look for ways to strengthen your connections with your support network, and avoid spending time with people who make your self-loathing worse.
7. Practicing self-compassion: Remember, if you’re struggling with self-loathing, chances are this is something that evolved over time. In other words, since it didn’t develop overnight, it will probably take some time to overcome it, and that’s OK. Just remember to have patience and acknowledge all the hard work you’re doing to change the way you see yourself. 

How to help someone who’s experiencing self-loathing

Watching someone you care about struggle with self-loathing can be a difficult experience. You probably wish they could just see themselves the way you do. But while their positive qualities might seem obvious to you, remember that this is not their experience. So try to listen without judgment and create an open space for them to express themselves. And remember, you can acknowledge their feelings without agreeing with them. 

For example, if your friend or loved one says something like “I just can’t do anything right,” you might be tempted to give them a long list of reasons why that simply isn’t true. This is an understandable response. But it may be more helpful to reflect that person’s feelings. You might say something like “I hear you saying you feel like you can’t do anything right. I know it must be really hard to feel that way. Do you want to tell me more about it?” This sort of response can go a long way in helping the person feel seen and heard.

Find care with Rula

If you’re struggling with self-loathing, it could be a sign that you’re living with an underlying mental health concern. But by working with a mental health professional, you can uncover the root of your negative self-talk and strengthen your self-esteem. 

At Rula, we believe that everyone deserves accessible mental healthcare, and we’re committed to making it easier to connect with the right provider for your needs. No matter the mental health condition you’re facing, you can use our therapist-matching program to find a therapist who takes your insurance and who offers the specialized care you deserve. From there, you can begin receiving care from the comfort of home as soon as tomorrow.

Find a therapist with Rula