Key Takeaways
- Self-harm can take many forms, including biting, scratching, skin cutting, and burning. People who engage in these behaviors typically don’t want to end their life. However, self-harm can still create serious health and safety concerns. That’s why it’s so important to ask for help.*
- If you’re engaging in self-harm, you might feel unsure about who to turn to or how to bring it up. But talking about what you’re noticing and expressing your concerns can help you feel less alone, making it easier to get the support you need.
- Learning about the risks, causes, and myths surrounding self-harm can help you feel empowered as you prepare to tell someone about your self-harm.
If you’re engaging in self-harm, reaching out to someone you trust can be a powerful step in healing. Telling someone that you self-harm takes courage, and it’s completely OK if you’re feeling uncertain about how to start the conversation.
While self-harm is more common than many people realize, it can be a difficult topic to discuss — both for you and those who care about you. Friends and loved ones may not always know how to respond, even if they have the best intentions. The good news is that, using the tips below, you can approach this discussion in a way that feels safe and supportive. Taking this step can help you access the care you deserve to stay safe and move toward healthier coping strategies.
Learn about the risks
Self-harm is any purposeful action that someone takes to harm their body. It can include scratching, picking, cutting, burning, and other behaviors. While self-harm can be a way to cope with uncomfortable feelings, people who engage in it typically don’t have suicidal intent.
However, self-harm can still pose serious risks to your health and well-being. In some cases, it can be life-threatening.* So, if you’re engaging in self-harm of any kind, don’t hesitate to ask for help.
The care you need, when you need it
Learn how Rula can support your mental health journey
Be prepared to challenge some myths
Some people mistakenly believe that self-harm is a form of attention-seeking behavior, or that it has its roots in selfishness. But this is very rarely the case.
People who self-harm are often suffering greatly, and they deserve empathy and nonjudgmental support. The myths that persist around self-harm may make it more difficult to ask for help. But talking about self-harm with someone you trust can be an important part of overcoming stigma and accessing the mental healthcare you need.
Pick the right time and place
As with any sensitive conversation, it’s important to choose the right time and place for the discussion. You might feel more hesitant to open up if you think you might be overheard or rushed. So be sure to meet at a quiet, private location when neither of you have other commitments.
Clarify your expectations and goals for the conversation
Once your loved one is aware that you’re engaging in self-harm, they might be understandably worried about your safety and well-being. Taking the time to share the reasons you’re disclosing this to them can go a long way.
This may go something like, “I want to share something about myself that may worry you. Sharing this is an important step in my healing, and I just need you to listen. I am not open to suggestions at this time.”
Prepare for multiple conversations
Before telling someone about your self-harming behaviors, you might have some conflicting feelings — and that’s OK. Part of you may desperately want help, but another part of you might be afraid of what that journey may look like. Know that you don’t have to decide on next steps during your first conversation if you’re not ready.
Unless there’s a pressing safety concern, you can let your friend or loved one know that you might need to revisit this topic more than once — especially if you don’t have the energy for long conversations at this time. Let them know that you’re open to continuing the discussion, saying something like, “I know you’re probably worried, but I need some time to think. Could you touch base with me again in a few days? Then we can decide what to do next.”
Ask for help with practical concerns
If you’re feeling ready to seek outside support, you might need some help with practical concerns. Sometimes, finding a therapist and entering treatment can feel like an overwhelming process. But having someone else’s help can make a big difference.
You can ask your loved one to help you find a therapist, arrange transportation to appointments (if needed), or secure child care, etc. Having some extra assistance during this time can make it easier for you to enter and stay engaged with care.
*A note on safety: Self-harm can create an increased risk of suicidality. If you or someone else is having thoughts of suicide, don’t hesitate to ask for help. You can contact the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 from any phone. Their counselors will provide confidential support and resources to help keep you safe.
If you told a loved one about your self-harming behavior and didn’t receive the response you were hoping for, please remember that your feelings are valid. The lack of understanding from others doesn’t mean you’re alone or unworthy of support. You deserve to receive compassion, guidance, and support.
Find care with Rula
If you’re engaging in self-harm, you might not be sure how to bring it up with your loved ones or ask for help. Most people aren’t taught how to have conversations about this topic, and it can feel a little intimidating. But know that you’re not alone, and there are things you can do to prepare yourself for this important discussion. Bringing up this topic for the first time can be a critical step in accessing life-changing care that can help keep you safe.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
About the author
Liz Talago
Liz Talago, M.ed. is a mental health professional turned content writer and strategist based in the Detroit metro area. As an independent consultant for mental health organizations, Liz creates meaningful connections between brands and their audiences through strategic storytelling. Liz is known for championing diverse perspectives within the mental health industry and translating bold ideas into inspiring, affirming digital experiences.
In her free time, you can find her hiking with her two German Shepherds, puttering around her dahlia garden, or spending time with her family.
Rula's editorial process
Rula's editorial team is on a mission to make science-backed mental health insights accessible and practical for every person seeking to better understand or improve mental wellness.
Members of Rula’s clinical leadership team and other expert providers contribute to all published content, offering guidance on themes and insights based on their firsthand experience in the field. Every piece of content is thoroughly reviewed by a clinician before publishing.
