Cultivating a secure attachment style

A secure attachment style is the foundation of healthy relationships. It often starts in childhood when caregivers consistently provide safety, support, and affirmation. This early security makes it easier to trust others, regulate emotions, and form strong connections later in life.

But if you didn’t grow up with this kind of stability, you’re not alone — and it’s never too late to develop a secure attachment. Building trust, setting healthy boundaries, and surrounding yourself with supportive people can make a difference.

Therapy can also play a key role in fostering a secure attachment style. A therapist can help you explore past experiences, understand how they’ve shaped your relationships, and develop new ways of connecting with others. Through therapy, you can learn to recognize and challenge patterns that no longer serve you, build self-compassion, and create relationships that feel safe, fulfilling, and secure.

What secure attachment looks like

A secure attachment style helps you build healthy, trusting relationships. You may have secure attachment if you:

• Are comfortable with closeness: You’re open to sharing feelings and being emotionally close with others.
• Are trusting and trustworthy: You feel safe relying on others and being reliable.
• Have balanced independence: You maintain both personal space and close connections.
• Are a good communicator: You express your needs clearly and resolve conflicts well.
• Feel confident seeking support: You ask for help without fear or hesitation.
• Are emotionally regulated: You manage challenging feelings without fear of rejection.
• See relationships as secure: You feel safe and supported in connections.

Secure attachment plays a role in many types of relationships, from personal to professional. Having a secure attachment style can lead to stronger, more fulfilling relationships. It can also help reduce anxiety, build confidence, and improve communication.

However, not everyone develops a secure attachment style. There are also three other attachment styles — anxious, avoidant, and disorganized — which can impact relationships in different ways. But attachment styles aren’t fixed, meaning people can grow, heal, and develop more secure ways of connecting with others over time. With self-awareness, supportive relationships, and therapy, it’s possible to build a stronger sense of security and trust.

The care you need, when you need it

Learn how Rula can support your mental health journey

Subscribe

I agree to receive emails from Rula and accept the terms outlined in Client Email Consent and Privacy Policy.

How secure attachments develop

Secure attachment starts in childhood when caregivers are loving, consistent, and responsive. When your needs are met with care and comfort, you learn to trust others and feel safe in relationships.

Many things help build secure attachment during childhood, including:

• Consistent care: Having your needs met regularly
• Emotional support: Feeling heard, comforted, and understood
• A safe environment: Growing up in a stable, protective space
• Healthy boundaries: Having a balance of support and independence
• Positive interactions: Learning from kind and caring relationships

If you didn’t experience this as a child, you’re not alone — and you’re not stuck. Secure attachment isn’t just something you’re born with. Rather, it’s something you can build. No matter your past, you can learn to trust, set healthy boundaries, and feel safe in relationships. Going to therapy, engaging in self-reflection, and surrounding yourself with supportive people can help you create new, more secure patterns.

Some attachment styles may take more time to shift. If you have a disorganized attachment style, past trauma or unpredictable caregiving may have made it hard to trust others. Anxious attachment can lead to deep fears of abandonment, while avoidant attachment might make emotional closeness feel uncomfortable.

Even if change feels overwhelming, healing is possible. With time, self-awareness, and the right support, you can build a sense of security in your relationships and within yourself.

Six ways to build a secure attachment style

Building a secure attachment style takes time, practice, and support. It means learning to trust others, feel safe in relationships, and handle emotions in a healthy way. Even if your early experiences shaped a different attachment style, change is always possible. 

Steps to build a secure attachment include:

1. Understanding your patterns: Pay attention to how you react in relationships. Do you pull away when someone gets too close, or do you worry they’ll leave you? For example, if you get anxious when a friend takes a while to text back, that might be a pattern from past relationships. Noticing these reactions can help you understand where they come from.
2. Challenging negative thoughts: If you assume people will hurt or abandon you, try to question that belief. For example, if a loved one cancels plans, do you immediately feel rejected? Instead, remind yourself that they might just be busy or overwhelmed, not pushing you away.
3. Managing emotions in healthy ways: If you feel overwhelmed by emotions, find calming strategies that work for you. For example, instead of shutting down or lashing out when upset, you might take a few deep breaths, journal about your feelings, or go for a walk before responding.
4. Improving communication: Expressing your needs clearly can strengthen relationships. For example, instead of assuming your partner knows what you need when you’re upset, try saying, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now and could really use some reassurance.” Small shifts like this help build trust and understanding.
5. Choosing supportive relationships: Surround yourself with people who make you feel safe and valued. If you have a friend who consistently respects your boundaries and is there for you, lean into that relationship. If someone frequently makes you feel insecure or anxious, it might be worth reconsidering their role in your life.
6. Working with a therapist: A therapist trained in attachment-based therapy can help you work through past wounds and develop healthier patterns. For example, if you struggle with trust because of early experiences, a therapist can guide you in practicing safe, secure connections in your current relationships.

Building secure attachment isn’t always a smooth or quick process. It can take time, and setbacks are normal. Be patient with yourself, and remember that healing and growth are part of the journey. Keep trying, and, with the right support and practices, you can move toward more secure, fulfilling relationships.

Find care with Rula

Cultivating a secure attachment style can help you feel safe and connected in relationships. Your past shapes how you relate to others, but it doesn’t define your future. Change is possible. Noticing patterns, challenging negative thoughts, and learning to manage your emotions in healthy ways can help. Therapy and support from others can give you the tools to build strong, trusting relationships.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

Find a therapist with Rula