Building a strong relationship when your partner has ADHD

Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a mental health condition that affects people’s ability to pay attention, control their impulses, and manage their emotions. With 4.4% of U.S. adults living with ADHD, there’s a good chance that someone in your life has ADHD. You may even be in a relationship with that person. 

While it’s true that people with ADHD sometimes struggle to maintain long-term romantic relationships, it’s completely possible to have a meaningful and committed relationship with someone who has ADHD. The key is understanding how your partner’s diagnosis impacts your relationship dynamic, as well as strategies to build a balanced and fulfilling partnership. 

How can an ADHD diagnosis affect your relationship?

ADHD looks different for everyone, but the condition is associated with several core symptoms — many of which affect how people build and maintain relationships. ADHD can impact people’s communication skills, motivation, and ability to regulate their emotions. And while these issues may seem insignificant at first, they can eventually affect your intimacy and overall relationship satisfaction.

There are various ways that an ADHD diagnosis can create conflict and tension in your relationship. If your partner has ADHD, they might: 

• Have trouble recognizing your emotions and needs, which can leave you feeling ignored, unappreciated, or misunderstood 
• Forget about appointments, promises, and responsibilities (ranging from daily tasks — like switching the laundry — to events like your wedding anniversary dinner)
• Act in unpredictable ways, like making expensive purchases without consulting you 
• Impulsively speak or interrupt you and others during conversations

But while being in a relationship with someone with ADHD can have its challenging moments, it can also be incredibly rewarding. People with ADHD tend to have high levels of energy, empathy, and willingness to help others. And a survey of 400 people in a serious relationship with someone with ADHD found that most people regarded their partners as creative, kind, energetic, and spontaneous. 

Eight ways to build a stronger relationship with someone who has ADHD

Being in a relationship with someone who has ADHD can pose some unique challenges, so it’s important to learn how to balance your partner’s needs with your own. Here are eight tips for building a stronger relationship with someone who has ADHD. 

1. Learn about ADHD

More and more people are talking about ADHD these days, but the condition is still somewhat misunderstood by the general public. Taking the time to learn about ADHD can help you better understand your partner’s experience and perspective. Apart from doing some reading on the topic, you can also ask your partner about their unique experience with ADHD.  

2. Focus on communication

Open and honest communication can help couples avoid misunderstandings and reduce resentment. Part of this is making sure that both people have an opportunity to feel seen and heard. For example, “I statements” allow you to share your thoughts without coming across as confrontational or judgemental. Instead of saying, “you never let me talk,” phrase your thoughts as “when you talk over me, I feel unimportant and like I’m being ignored.”

3. Adopt a team mindset

Maintaining a healthy relationship when one partner has ADHD can be challenging for both people in the relationship. But instead of getting defensive or blaming one another, make an effort to approach situations as a team. For example, let’s say you want to have a date night. If your partner is creative but struggles with time management, you handle logistics (like choosing the night and booking the babysitter) while they plan the activity. By playing to each other’s strengths, you can create space for a balanced and supportive partnership. 

4. Remind them of their strengths 

Research shows that people with ADHD tend to have lower self-esteem than people without ADHD or another form of neurodivergence. What’s more, criticism can have a negative effect on their self-worth and lead to even more challenges. Instead, focus on telling your partner what you love about them — like their creativity, passion, or spontaneity. 

5. Show patience and empathy

Patience and understanding are essential to any healthy relationship, but it’s especially true when your partner is prone to inattention, impulsiveness, and other ADHD symptoms. While it’s normal to feel frustrated at times, research shows that having an understanding support system can make a big difference for people with ADHD.

6. Set healthy boundaries

It may feel like setting boundaries would create distance between you and your partner, but healthy boundaries are actually designed to cultivate mutual trust and understanding. Here are a few questions to help you identify and express your needs: 

• How do I want to be treated?
• What have I said and done already that has worked and not worked
• What will I allow (and not allow) to be said and done to me?
• What is in my control, and what do I have no control over? 

7. Practice self-care

While it’s important to be mindful of your partner’s needs, it’s just as important to remember your own. Finding ways to prioritize your mental, physical, and emotional health can help you be the best version of yourself. A few self-care ideas include gratitude journaling, physical activity, and spending time with friends. These acts may seem simple, but they can lay the foundation for managing stress and being more available for your partner. 

8. Suggest therapy 

If your partner’s ADHD symptoms are starting to affect your relationship, consider suggesting couples therapy. Working with a qualified mental health professional can help couples feel comfortable discussing their relationship concerns, honing their communication skills, and strengthening their connection. In fact, data suggest that couples therapy has a positive impact on 70% of couples who receive treatment. 

Find care with Rula

Having a partner with ADHD can be challenging, but their diagnosis doesn’t have to define your relationship. With access to the right mental health resources and support, you can learn how to improve your communication skills, support them in managing their symptoms, and create a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

You can use Rula’s therapist-matching platform to find a therapist who specializes in whatever you’re dealing with. Plus, you can find someone who takes your insurance and can meet with you virtually, from the comfort of your home. And, our extensive therapist network means you can be seen as soon as tomorrow.

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