How to protect your privacy in relationships

One of the most rewarding aspects of a relationship can be sharing yourself wholeheartedly with another person. But this doesn’t mean there’s zero privacy in a relationship. In fact, it can be healthy to keep some things to yourself. 

This doesn’t mean that you’re trying to hurt your partner or loved one. In fact, the opposite could be true as you protect or care for their feelings while thoughtfully choosing what you share. It could also simply mean that you don’t feel it’s necessary to share every thought or interaction you’ve had with them. 

Privacy will probably look different depending on your relationship. For example, some couples regularly access each other’s phones, and others prefer to keep that information off limits. The key here is consent: Both partners have agreed to what’s private and what’s not. 

If you and your partner are having trouble deciding what makes sense for your relationship, couples therapy can help. A therapist can help you and your partner decide what makes the most sense for both of your values, goals, and comfort levels. 

Why privacy is important in relationships

Sometimes, people think of privacy as secrecy. This isn’t always the case. You might be more likely to think this if a former partner kept secrets that hurt you or made you feel betrayed.

But some privacy is healthy. And a good relationship thrives on healthy boundaries. Healthy and balanced relationships — no matter whether romantic or platonic — require that each person feel a separate sense of self. This is especially important for couples, as it can be easy to lose yourself in a relationship. 

Here are some examples of why maintaining a degree of privacy is important: 

• You have the right to not disclose certain information. For example, if your partner wants to know how your conversation with your friend went, you can choose what to tell them. You might tell them they got a new job. But you might want to protect your friend’s privacy by leaving out that they’re unhappy in their relationship. 
• You might want to keep some details to yourself. Sometimes, people withhold information from their partners because they want to protect their feelings. For example, if your mother said something hurtful about your partner to you, you might choose to not tell your partner. This revelation might only hurt them — and possibly your relationship too. 
• Privacy can keep your relationship exciting and fresh. In a long-term relationship, your day-to-day routines can start to feel monotonous.You might not want to tell your partner mundane details of your day, like what you ate for lunch. Or about your boring commute to work. It could also spice things up by “hiding” that you’re performing in a comedy show and then inviting them to it. 
• The pressure to constantly share can be overwhelming. You or your partner might start to feel stifled if you require sharing every detail of your lives. Even though you might think constant and complete transparency would bring you closer together, it can actually cause a rift in your relationship.

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Balancing transparency and privacy

There’s probably no couple that hasn’t had to negotiate privacy in their relationship. Sometimes partners keep secrets out of embarrassment or because they’re afraid of their loved one’s reaction. This can be particularly true if a former partner was controlling. 

Explore these situations where privacy became a point of conflict:

• You’re curious whose messages make your partner laugh out loud all the time. You say, “Hey, they must be pretty funny. Who are you talking with?” Your partner doesn’t tell you. Later, you go through their text messages without permission.
  
  They get mad because you violated their privacy. It turns out they don’t want you to know who they’re talking with because they act more crudely with that friend. They’re afraid you’ll think negatively of them because of this behavior.

• During an emotional conversation, your partner wants to know what you’re thinking. You don’t want to share, but you still want to respect your partner and their feelings. You say, “I appreciate that you want to know. Normally, I’d share, but I’m still figuring out my feelings. I will let you know if I want to tell you.”
  
  Your partner gets mad and badgers you to tell them. This makes you feel uncomfortable and like you have to tell them all of your innermost feelings.

• You want to start sharing your location with your partner for safety reasons, especially when you take separate vacations. You tell your partner, “Hey, would you mind if we share locations with each other? I don’t mean it as a way to keep tabs on each other all the time but more as a safety precaution. What do you think?”
  
  Your partner doesn’t want to. You get impatient and argue with them why it’s in both of your best interests to share locations. You then say, “I already know your password, so I could just enable that feature anyways.”
  
  This makes your partner feel like you don’t have respect for them or their privacy.

• For days, your partner has been repeatedly asking you how many people you’ve slept with. You don’t want to reveal this information because you don’t think it’s relevant to your current relationship, and you don’t want them to judge you. 

Instead of respecting your privacy, your partner says, “There should be no privacy in a relationship. I should get to know the answer.” You feel like your partner doesn’t respect your preference to keep unimportant details private.

These are all examples where privacy boundaries weren’t clear to both partners. Know that it’s possible to find a solution that works for both of you, and these discussions don’t need to “make or break” your relationship. 

How to set privacy-friendly boundaries

Talking with your partner about privacy in a relationship is essential, and being proactive can help get ahead of issues or conflict. Sometimes, multiple conversations are necessary to hash out personal preferences, like the right amount of privacy and transparency in your relationship.

It can help at times to discuss with your partner about how past partners have made each of you feel like your privacy has been honored or violated. The intention isn’t to compare either of you to your past partners but so you can better understand each other, your pasts, and the boundaries you each want. 

This can be a sensitive conversation, so laying down a foundation of intimacy and trust can go a long way. To help strike a balance around privacy, secrecy, and transparency that works for your relationship, consider the following areas:

• Digital privacy: Do you or your partner want the password to each other’s phones, emails, or social media accounts? Consider why you might want this access. If just one of you wants this, is a compromise possible? Maybe you both agree to share your passwords but only to access each other’s phones if there’s an emergency. 
• Financial privacy: What financial information are you comfortable telling your partner? Maybe you’re OK telling them how much credit card debt you have but opening up a joint checking account is going too far. These answers can also change depending on what stage of your relationship you’re in. 
• “Whereabouts” privacy: Do you know where your partner is at all times? Do they share their daily or weekly schedule with you? For some couples this can feel like mundane details they’re comfortable keeping private. Others may fear betrayal if they do not know where their partner is or what they’re doing. 

What to do if your partner is being secretive 

When does privacy cross over into secretive behavior? Keeping secrets, rather than maintaining healthy boundaries around privacy, can erode trust. Maybe you’ve noticed your partner isn’t as open with you as they used to be. Or perhaps you’ve noticed certain behaviors, like they’re spending more time on their phone or getting home late. 

While it’s important to give your partner the benefit of the doubt, if you are concerned it can be an opportunity for an open and honest conversation. Find a time when you can both talk without interruptions. You might say something like, “I’ve noticed you’re spending a lot more time on your phone texting. It has made me feel … ” 

Leading with “I” statements can help keep the focus on your feelings and needs, without jumping to conclusions about your partner’s behavior. But remember, it’s OK to be direct and honest about how you’re feeling. 

Your partner may be receptive to how you’re feeling, and you can agree on a solution that helps you feel at ease while respecting the boundaries of your relationship. If your partner isn’t willing to listen to you or consider your feelings, it may be time for change. 

How to handle if your partner violates your privacy

It can be frustrating when you feel like your partner has violated your privacy — especially after you’ve discussed your boundaries. If this happens, it can help to state what you think or know happened.

In a situation like this, approach the topic calmly. Again, it can be helpful to use “I” statements to communicate how you feel like your privacy was violated and how you think trust can be restored. 

Couples therapy for establishing boundaries and building trust 

Whether you feel like your partner is being secretive or your own privacy has been violated, couples therapy can be a helpful tool. 

You and your partner might consider couples therapy. Couples therapy is a useful tool to explore your past understandings and pain around privacy, secrecy, and transparency. It can help you develop shared goals for your relationship. Through therapy, you and your partner can learn how to focus on emotions that surface when conflict arises, while your therapist monitors both body language during disagreements and conflict. Then, the therapist can help you emotionally regulate and work through disagreements with calm, compassion, and confidence.

Find care with Rula

It’s important to find a balance between privacy and transparency in relationships. This can help you maintain a sense of self, maintain healthy boundaries, and respect both your own and your partner’s needs. Going to therapy can help you determine the level of privacy you want in your life and relationships. 

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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