Key Takeaways
- Children who are recognized by their schools “gifted and talented” perform at higher levels than their peers of the same age, experience, and environment. Some gifted children set high standards for themselves and become frustrated when they don’t achieve those goals.
- Signs of unhealthy perfectionism, also known as neurotic or maladaptive perfectionism, in highly gifted children include procrastination, negative self-talk, and having excessively high standards for themselves.
- Unhealthy perfectionism can lead to stress, low self-esteem, and other social and emotional challenges. If you notice signs of perfectionism in your child, consider meeting with a mental health professional.
As a parent or caregiver, you’re naturally inclined to see the best in your child. But even the proudest of parents can admit that some children are objectively gifted. According to national data, approximately 6-10% of U.S. students are considered gifted and talented. Gifted children perform at higher levels than other children of the same age, experience, and environment. This includes areas like academic subjects, artistic talents, and athletic abilities.
Gifted and talented children tend to be curious, quirky, and creative problem solvers. However, many gifted children also have characteristics of perfectionism, meaning they have extremely high personal standards. These high standards can lead to distress when gifted students don’t receive enough guidance and support.
Seven ways to help gifted students manage perfectionism
Most parents will agree that they want what’s best for their child. And while that may mean seeing their child successfully reach their goals, it also means prioritizing their mental and emotional health. If you’ve noticed that your gifted child struggles with perfectionism, here are seven tips to help them manage expectations, change unhelpful behaviors, and improve their emotional well-being.
1. Practice unconditional acceptance
Research shows that children and teens who feel pressured by their parents to succeed academically are more likely to experience perfectionism. Even if you’re not consciously pressuring your child, making an effort to show them unconditional love and acceptance can help reduce stress and improve their resiliency.
2. Encourage a growth mindset
Help your child cultivate a growth mindset by challenging their current thought processes. For example, if they say “I don’t know how to do this,” encourage them to rephrase it as “I don’t know how to do this yet.” Children with a growth mindset are more likely to appreciate new challenges and have a passion for learning.
3. Share your own experiences
Children with perfectionist tendencies tend to be highly self critical. One way to help them overcome this habit is by sharing your own failures and experiences. Next time you make a mistake, verbally acknowledge the situation by saying “I made a mistake with X, but it’s OK. Here’s what I’m going to do next.” If you’re unable to use personal examples, consider sharing stories of famous scientists, authors, and athletes who experienced failure before achieving success.
4. Focus on the process
People with perfectionistic tendencies are often so focused on their goals that they don’t acknowledge the work that goes into reaching those goals. Next time your child starts a project or task, make a point to celebrate the process instead of just the results. One way to do this is by helping them break their goals into smaller, more manageable steps.
5. Develop healthy coping methods
It’s also important to help your child develop strategies for managing their stress. Mindfulness practices, like meditation and deep breathing, teach kids to focus on the present moment and distance themselves from perceived mistakes. You can also encourage greater self-awareness by teaching them to identify and name their emotions during distressing moments. And don’t forget about self-care, even if it’s something as simple as eating a delicious snack or watching an episode of their favorite show.
6. Create a support system
If your child struggles with perfectionism, consider looping in their teachers, coaches, and mentors. By growing your child’s support network, you’re creating more opportunities for them to discuss their fears and seek positive reinforcement. Plus, having healthy role models can help improve their self-esteem, resiliency, and overall well-being.
7. Try talk therapy
If perfectionism starts to impact a child’s mental health, it may be time to seek professional mental health support. Therapists can help children better understand their fears, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and adopt a more balanced outlook.
The link between perfectionism and giftedness
Perfectionism has been on the rise over the last several decades, with data suggesting that each generation of youth demands more of themselves and others. There’s limited evidence that gifted students experience perfectionism more than non-gifted students, but it’s known that many gifted students struggle with perfectionist tendencies.
One survey of middle school students even found that 88% of academically gifted students identified as perfectionists. Some people may have a genetic predisposition to perfectionism or certain personality traits that lead to perfectionistic tendencies. For others, their perfectionism is driven by external factors, like parental expectations and societal pressure to succeed.
How to recognize unhealthy perfectionism in students
Experts believe that perfectionism can be healthy or unhealthy. A “healthy perfectionist” is someone who sets realistic goals and is satisfied when they achieve success. Also referred to as “adaptive perfectionism,” healthy perfectionism motivates people to work hard, learn from their mistakes, and take pride in their accomplishments.
Conversely, people with “unhealthy perfectionism” often set unrealistic goals that are nearly impossible to achieve. Also known as “maladaptive perfectionism,” people with this trait are overly self critical and rarely satisfied with their achievements. Their primary goal is to avoid failure, which can cause stress, low self-esteem, and other social and emotional challenges. Unhealthy perfectionism is also linked to mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, and eating disorders.
Gifted students with unhealthy perfectionism usually prefer to work alone, rather than with their classmates, so that they have complete control over their grades. They might submit their assignments late or avoid certain tasks altogether because they think their work isn’t good enough.
Other signs that a child or teen is experiencing unhealthy perfectionism include:
- Excessively high standards
- Fear of rejection and criticism
- Overthinking and rumination
- Self-doubt
- Being prone to stress and anxiety
- Defensiveness
- Negative self-talk and low self-esteem
- Intense attention to detail
- Procrastination
Find care with Rula
Perfectionism can be a healthy and motivating personality trait. But for many gifted children, it can also cause stress, low self-esteem, and other social and emotional challenges. If your child is showing signs of perfectionism, consider meeting with a mental health professional to help address harmful habits and perspectives.
Rula is committed to helping parents quickly and easily find a therapist who takes their insurance and specializes in working with children and teens. Our extensive network of therapists means you can find the right provider for your family and be seen as soon as tomorrow.
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About the author
Alex Bachert
Alex Bachert is a freelance copywriter and mental health advocate. Since earning her masters degree in public health, she has focused her career on creating informative content that empowers people to prioritize their health and well-being. Alex has partnered with organizations like Ro, WellTheory, and Firsthand, and her work has been recognized by the Digital Health Association. When she’s not writing about mental health, Alex is usually playing pickleball, meeting with her local board of health, or enjoying time with her three kids.
Rula's editorial process
Rula's editorial team is on a mission to make science-backed mental health insights accessible and practical for every person seeking to better understand or improve mental wellness. Rula’s clinical leadership team and other expert providers contribute to all published content, offering guidance on themes and insights based on their firsthand experience in the field. Every piece of content is thoroughly reviewed by a clinician before publishing.
