Are you being passive aggressive?

If you’ve resorted to giving your partner the “silent treatment” or used sarcasm during a conflict, you might have exhibited passive-aggressive behaviors. 

Passive aggressiveness is an indirect way to express your thoughts, needs, or emotions. It’s not just limited to verbal communication. Nonverbal language can convey passive aggressiveness, like through rolling your eyes, slamming a door, or sighing loudly. 

But being passive aggressive can strain your relationships, as it’s usually not a very effective way to communicate what you need. It can send mixed signals to others, making it hard for them to know how to respond or resolve disagreements. In some severe cases, it can turn into emotional abuse.

It’s not always easy to identify or put an end to passive-aggressive behavior, but a therapist can provide feedback and support as you practice healthier communication. 

Signs of passive-aggressive tendencies 

Passive-aggressive behavior can be hard to recognize. You might not be passive aggressive all the time, and it could manifest in more subtle ways. Sometimes communication differences or neurodiverse interactions can be incorrectly interpreted as passive aggressiveness. Therefore, it’s important to consider the intent behind behavior when labeling it. 

Some common signs of passive aggression include:

• Giving someone the silent treatment
• Sarcasm 
• Guilt-tripping 
• Emotionally manipulating 
• Not being honest about how you’re feeling 
• Ghosting
• Giving backhanded compliments
• Gaslighting 
• Saying yes when you want to say no

Further, explore the following situations where passive aggression can show up.

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At work

You might have some passive-aggressive tendencies at work as you collaborate with a variety of personalities in sometimes high-pressure environments. 

Imagine you’ve just spent all night finishing a project, but then your coworker takes credit for your work during the presentation. After the presentation, you say to them, “Yeah, you really work hard. All that vacation time must be paying off.” This is an example of passive-aggressive behavior instead of a more direct response, like, “You taking full credit for my hard work felt really unfair.” 

Passive aggression can also manifest in written communication. For instance, the phrase “Per my last email” can come off as passive aggressive to some people. It can also show up in your body language, like having crossed arms when your manager is giving you constructive feedback. 

Behaviors like this in the workplace can create tension and make it hard to be productive and collaborative. 

In parenting 

The parent-child relationship is complex, and it can be easy for parents to use passive aggression as a way to communicate their feelings or feel like they have control. This can show up as guilt-tripping, backhanded compliments, sarcasm, and more. 

For example, let’s say your teenage son has asked you not to drop him off at school anymore because he prefers to take the bus with his friends. A passive-aggressive response might look like, “I get it — you don’t want to be seen with your uncool mom!” In this situation, a more direct response could be, “I’ll miss driving you to school, but I respect your decision,” or, “I feel hurt that you do not want me to drive you anymore. Can we find another activity to do together during the week?”  

Even if it’s unintentional, passive-aggressive parenting can be hurtful, discouraging, and confusing for kids. They might respond by not being truthful, repressing their emotions, people pleasing, or even developing their own passive-aggressive habits. In more severe cases, being passive aggressive can become emotional abuse, which can have lasting effects on kids’ well-being. 

In relationships

Passive-aggressive behavior can affect your relationships too. You may unconsciously believe it’s the way to get what you want. But, in reality, being passive aggressive can make communication even more difficult or end up hurting your partner. 

The silent treatment is one hallmark passive-aggressive tendency. If you’re upset with a loved one or don’t agree with them, you may try to “get back” at them by not responding. But this is an unhealthy way to deal with tension or conflicts in relationships. In fact, it might confuse your partner (if they’re not sure why you’re upset) or even make them feel like they can’t disagree or be honest with you. 

If you’re noticing passive-aggressive behaviors in yourself or your partner, it’s important to address them right away. Healthier communication in your relationship can help you overcome conflict, set boundaries, and feel closer to your partner. 

Why you might be passive aggressive 

There are many reasons why you might fall into passive aggression, ranging from your childhood experiences to underlying mental health conditions. Oftentimes, it’s a coping mechanism — a way to deal with stress or emotional discomfort. 

Exploring these underlying factors can bring you clarity on your behavior and find ways to communicate more effectively. 

• Childhood experiences: Maybe you grew up in a household where your parents dealt with conflict through passive aggression. Maybe you were taught to bottle up your emotions or even punished for expressing your feelings. These experiences may have shown you that the safest way to tell people what you think or feel is through indirect means. 
• Conflict avoidance: It can be uncomfortable to tell someone how you feel or set a boundary. So, you might rely on passive-aggressive behaviors to communicate what you’re thinking or feeling. Being indirect might seem like the easier option, but in the long run can harm your relationships. 
• Mental health conditions: While passive aggressiveness isn’t a mental health condition, it can signal one. Passive-aggressive behavior is linked to narcissistic personality disorder, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), borderline personality disorder, depression, and anxiety. Also, neurodiverse people are more likely to engage in behavior that may be misinterpreted as passive aggression.

Four tips to stop being passive aggressive

Noticing your own passive-aggressive tendencies and wanting to improve your communication skills is an important step in personal growth and nurturing the relationships you care about. Here are five ways to address your passive-aggressive behavior: 

• Take time to reflect. It can be helpful to first reflect or journal on situations where you’ve displayed passive-aggressive behavior. Pay close attention to the patterns or situations where you’re more likely to be passive aggressive. For instance, do these behaviors show up more with your family members? Or your romantic partner? Do you tend to be more passive aggressive when you’re feeling stressed or anxious? What benefit are you trying to get from engaging in this behavior? 
• Ask for feedback. Talk to your trusted friends and family and invite them to share their perspectives on your behavior. You might ask, “When I act passive aggressive in front of you, what does it look like?” or, “How does it make you feel when I’m passive aggressive?” This can help you further identify your passive aggression and signal to the people in your life that you’re working to end this pattern. Hearing from others how your behavior is affecting them can also build motivation to do the hard habit-changing work. 
• Practice expressing your true feelings. Embrace more direct forms of communication in environments that feel safe. For instance, you might start by journaling your thoughts. Or, the next time your partner does something that upsets you, you might talk it out rather than giving them the silent treatment. 
• Work with a therapist. A therapist can help you uncover the reasons why you might be passive aggressive and offer ways to adjust your communication style. In particular, dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) can help you tackle your passive aggression and find healthier coping mechanisms. 

Find care with Rula

Whether due to childhood experiences or difficulty facing uncomfortable emotions or conflict, passive aggression can feel like a safer or easier way to communicate your thoughts and emotions. But, ultimately, it can strain your relationships. Therapy can help you learn better communication techniques that support your relationships while addressing any mental health concerns. 

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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