Growing up with passive-aggressive parents

If you’ve grown up with passive-aggressive parents, you know how discouraging and hurtful their behavior can be. Even if their hostility isn’t blatant, you can still feel it — and the indirectness of it can make things confusing. Being subjected to passive aggressiveness in your family may have even affected your relationships as an adult.

Parents can be passive aggressive for different reasons. Passive aggression also comes on a scale. Some passive-aggressive behaviors can cross the line into emotional abuse.

Regardless of what your relationship with your parents is like, there are ways to cope and protect your mental health. Therapy can also help you untangle and heal from the effects that passive-aggressive parenting may have had on your life.

Signs of a passive-aggressive parent

Although many of us intrinsically know what it looks like — especially if we have a passive-aggressive parent — there are no clear criteria for what it means to be passive aggressive in psychology. But some researchers have tried to develop ways to clinically measure passive aggressiveness.

Based on the Passive Aggression Scale, some signs that your parent may be passive aggressive include:

• They insist they aren’t upset even when you know they are, as they’re showing you in other ways.
• They give you the “silent treatment” when they’re upset, instead of addressing the issue.
• They act dismissive or cold whenever you share something meaningful with them.
• They intentionally bring up embarrassing events or your past mistakes in front of others.
• They ask you loaded questions in front of others to make you feel uncomfortable.
• They mock you in sarcastic ways but insist they’re “just joking.”
• They make negative comments about you in a way that seems indirect but is still meant for you to hear.
• They play the victim to make you feel guilty or responsible for their emotions.
• They deliberately avoid eye contact with you when they’re upset.
• They intentionally ignore or exclude you to make a point.
• They refuse to answer your messages or calls even when they know it’s important.
• They pretend to help you but secretly sabotage you behind your back.
• They deliberately procrastinate or do a sloppy job when helping you with something, on purpose, and then make excuses.
• They pretend to praise you but also drop hints about your weaknesses.
• They withhold emotional support when you need it and use it as a form of punishment.

Passive aggression is a fairly common communication style, and it isn’t necessarily abusive in the same way that openly aggressive behaviors are. But some examples of passive-aggressive parenting could cross the line into childhood maltreatment and psychological abuse. 

Examples include:

• Public humiliation: Exposing embarrassing or deeply personal details about you to others
• Emotional neglect: Ignoring or invalidating your emotions rather than offering support
• Manipulation: Guilt-tripping or withholding love to control your behavior
• Intentional sabotage: Purposely making things harder for you out of resentment or pettiness

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Why parents may be passive aggressive

People adopt a passive-aggressive communication style for many different reasons. Parents who are passive aggressive are often this way with other people in their lives as well — not only their children.

Some reasons why a parent may be passive aggressive:

• They experience underlying sadness, grief, or resentment about parenting or their lives.
• They haven’t learned how to directly express emotions.
• They grew up with a passive-aggressive parent.
• They have a fear of conflict, so they express their anger in more indirect ways.

Certain personality disorders may also contribute to passive-aggressive parenting.

• Borderline personality disorder (BPD): Parents with BPD may struggle with emotional regulation, which can lead to passive-aggressive behaviors when they feel abandoned, rejected, or overwhelmed.
• Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD): Parents with NPD may use passive aggression as a way to confuse, manipulate, or control their children.

How children react to the effects of passive aggression

Research shows that children are sensitive to parental hostility, even if it isn’t communicated directly. In addition, passive aggression can harm children even when it’s not directed at them. For example, passive aggressiveness between two parents can create tension in the home.

If you have a passive-aggressive parent, you may have noticed the following in yourself:

• Insecurity and lack of trust: You might feel like you’re always second-guessing yourself or others’ intentions because you never knew when your parent was being genuine.
• Chronic people-pleasing: You might go out of your way to keep the peace — even when it comes at your expense.
• Interpersonal difficulties: You may struggle with direct communication or feel anxious in close relationships.
• Repressed emotions: You may find it hard to express emotions, or you may not even fully recognize what you’re feeling.
• Developing your own passive-aggressive patterns: Without realizing it, you may use passive aggression in your relationships because it’s the only communication style you were exposed to growing up.

In addition, passive-aggressive parenting that crosses the line into emotional abuse can come with a wide range of mental health risks, including depression, anxiety, personality disorders, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Ways to deal with a passive-aggressive parent

Being the adult child of a passive-aggressive parent can be frustrating and exasperating. You may find it extremely difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with your parent and worry about how their behaviors affect you and your mental health.

What you’re feeling is valid. Whether you continue to have contact with your parent or you’ve distanced yourself, there are ways to cope and take care of yourself.

Acknowledge passive-aggression

A good first step is to acknowledge that passive aggression is happening, even if it’s just to yourself. Often, passive aggression is so inconspicuous that you might question yourself and whether it’s really happening. So acknowledging that your parent is actually being passive aggressive can go a long way.

Validate yourself

In the same vein, validate your own emotional reaction to your parent’s passive aggressiveness. You may not receive the validation you need from them, but it’s still important to validate yourself. 

Instead of telling yourself that it isn’t a big deal or that you shouldn’t be so upset about it, talk to yourself in a validating way instead. For example, you might say to yourself: “It’s really hurtful when my parent talks to me that way, and it’s OK to feel the way I do.”

Work on your own communication style

If you grew up with a passive-aggressive parent, you may have unconsciously adopted a passive-aggressive communication style yourself. Try to be honest with yourself about this and practice assertive communication as much as you can. If you aren’t sure, learning about different communication styles or even taking a healthy communication class can be helpful.

Avoid escalating

It can be tempting to argue with your parent or try to force them to directly express their emotions when they’re being passive aggressive. While this response is understandable, confrontations like these often only make passive-aggressive parents even more defensive and withdrawn. If you choose to address these behaviors, try to focus on the communication itself and not your parent as a person. 

For example, instead of saying, “You’re awful at communicating, and you always make me feel bad,” say, “I can sense that you’re upset with me right now, and I’d rather you tell me that directly.”

Set boundaries that make sense for you

Boundaries are important in any difficult parent-child relationship. But different boundaries work for different people. While some adult children may choose to go “no contact” with their passive-aggressive or abusive parents, others may not feel comfortable with that. Whatever you choose is valid. Just know that you have the right to set boundaries to protect yourself without any guilt.

Get support

Don’t be afraid to seek professional support to deal with your passive-aggressive parent. Individual therapy can help you explore how growing up with these communication styles may have affected your mental health and relationships. If your parent is open to it, family therapy may also heal some of the wounds caused by passive aggressiveness.

Find care with Rula

If you grew up with a passive-aggressive parent, you may still be dealing with the emotional impact of their behavior. Passive aggression can be confusing and painful — especially when it comes from a parent who was supposed to be a source of love and support. But no matter how their actions have affected you, healing is possible.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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