Breaking free from passive-aggressive abuse

Passive-aggressive behavior can erode trust and create an unhealthy power dynamic in relationships that can lead to significant emotional harm. It usually involves doing or saying something that, on the surface, seems innocent but is an indirect way of controlling or harming another person.

Anyone can act passive aggressively once in a while, and doing so doesn’t necessarily mean you’re being abusive. However, when the behavior is purposeful, repeated, and enacted by someone with more power than their victim, it can be classified as passive-aggressive abuse.

Therapy can help you recognize these patterns, build healthier communication skills, and set boundaries that support more authentic and respectful connections.

The warning signs of passive-aggressive abuse

Passive-aggressive behavior can dismantle a person’s confidence and undermine their version of reality. When a person begins to question the validity of their experiences, they can become easier to control. When this behavior is repeated over time, it can be a form of covert emotional abuse that can lead to serious harm. 

One of the best things you can do to protect yourself from emotionally harmful behavior is to learn to spot the warning signs. While passive-aggressive abuse can take many forms, here are some examples of ways it might manifest in different relationships:

• Weaponized incompetence: You and your partner have agreed to split up the household chores. As you assign tasks, your partner begrudgingly agrees to do the laundry, as it’s a better fit for their schedule. But week after week, articles of your clothing keep getting damaged. You ask your partner to check the care labels to prevent this from happening, but things don’t improve. When you become frustrated and raise the issue again, your partner says. “I guess I’m just terrible at doing laundry,” and you feel like you have no choice but to take on the responsibility yourself.
• Backhanded compliments: One of your friends from high school has a habit of commenting on your appearance when you’re together. On a recent night out, you were wearing a new outfit and your friend paid you a “compliment,” saying, “I just love how brave you are to wear anything you want. Most people your size don’t have your confidence!”
• Guilt-tripping and gaslighting: Recently, you had to take some time off of work for a medical procedure. During your recovery, you get permission to work from home for a few weeks while you’re unable to drive. When you’re on a team call, one of your colleagues says they hope you’re “enjoying your vacation while everyone else picks up the slack.” Later, when you confront them about their statement privately, they act surprised that it bothered you, saying, “Jeez, I guess no one can take a joke anymore.”
• Purposeful forgetting: One of your children has a food sensitivity. When you drop them off at your parents’ house, you remind your dad that your child can’t have certain foods. You also supply some safe snacks your child can eat. However, your dad has made it clear that he doesn’t believe in food allergies or sensitivities in children. So he repeatedly “forgets” to give your child their safe snacks when he’s watching them, resulting in days of uncomfortable symptoms for your child. When you tell your dad that he can’t babysit anymore if this keeps happening, he makes you feel guilty and accuses you of sabotaging his relationship with his grandchild.

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What drives passive-aggressive abusive behavior

We don’t yet fully understand all the factors that fuel passive-aggressive behavior. But research suggests that it might be a coping mechanism meant to help shield people from internal and external stressors. 

People who rely on this behavior may have underdeveloped problem-solving or communication skills, possibly due to adverse childhood experiences. They may struggle to engage in direct, open communication or to exhibit emotional vulnerability. Instead, they rely on passive, manipulative behaviors to meet their needs.

Exhibiting passive-aggressive behavior doesn’t mean that you have a mental health condition. However, severe passive aggression is associated with:

• Depression
• Anorexia
• Acute stress disorder
• Borderline personality disorder (BPD)
• Adjustment disorder
• Self-harm

Long-term impact of passive-aggressive abuse

When it’s ongoing and chronic, passive-aggressive behavior can be a form of verbal and emotional abuse. Over time, it can have long-lasting effects on your physical and emotional health. Victims of passive-aggressive abuse may be at greater risk of mental health conditions, like depression and anxiety. They may also be more likely to live with chronic physical pain. 

These challenges can be difficult to live with and affect your ability to function. But know that, with the right support, you can recover from the impact of passive-aggressive abuse.

Healing from passive-aggressive abuse

If you’ve experienced passive-aggressive abuse, remember that it’s not your fault and healing is possible. While this process may take some time, the following tips can support you on your journey to recovery.

• Increase your awareness. Familiarizing yourself with the warning signs of abuse can help you know when you might need help. Some of the most common effects of abuse-related trauma include:
  • Sleep disturbance
  • Low self-esteem
  • Increased anxiety
  • Panic attacks
  • Feeling afraid of people or relationships
  • Unhealthy substance use
  • Disordered eating
  • Flashbacks of the abuse
  • Suicidal thoughts*

• Shift your self-talk. Passive-aggressive abuse can lead you to question your self-worth. To counteract this, use positive self-talk to shift your internal narrative. You can use affirmations like, “I’m worthy of love,” or, “I’m strong, smart, and capable.”
• Set boundaries. Establishing clear boundaries is a crucial step in healing. This might include limiting contact with those who continue harmful behaviors, clearly stating your needs, and protecting your emotional and physical well-being. In some cases, a ”no-contact” approach may be necessary, especially if someone’s behavior is consistently harmful or abusive. 
• Move your body. Strengthening your body through movement can have a positive effect on your mental health. Try to make some time for running, yoga, kickboxing, or any other exercise you enjoy.
• Get creative. Research shows that doing something creative can help counteract the effects of trauma. It’s OK if you don’t consider yourself an artist. You can still benefit from expressing yourself through drawing, painting, writing, crafting, or music.
• Ask for help. While self-care can be an important part of your recovery from passive-aggressive abuse, it’s not a replacement for professional help. Therapy can give you an opportunity to process your emotions in a safe space, rebuild your self-worth, and practice the skills you need to develop healthy connections in the future.

*The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline provides 24/7, confidential support with trained crisis counselors. If you or a loved one is in emotional distress or a suicidal crisis, please call or text 988. If you’re experiencing a life-threatening emergency or you need immediate help, please call 911.

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Passive-aggressive behavior might seem innocent, but it’s often designed to conceal more sinister motives. When it’s repeated and severe, it can be considered a form of covert emotional abuse. Over time, abuse can erode a person’s sense of self and negatively impact their mental and physical health. 

So, if you think that you or someone you care about might be experiencing passive-aggressive abuse, don’t hesitate to ask for help. With the right support, you can break the cycle of abuse, repair your self-esteem, and cultivate the healthy relationships you deserve.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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