Making sense of a partner’s passive-aggressive behavior

Does your partner give you the silent treatment when they’re angry or upset? Do they rely on under-the-breath murmurs instead of direct communication? Do they repeatedly “forget” important information? If so, it can be hard to make sense of what they’re thinking or feeling. While it might be harder to detect than outright verbal or physical abuse, passive-aggressive behavior in relationships can make it difficult to resolve conflict and maintain a healthy connection. 

In some people, passive-aggressive behavior can be a sign of an underlying mental health condition that they may need professional help to overcome. For others, it may be an automatic, unconscious coping mechanism they can work to resolve with the right support. Learning to recognize and address passive-aggressive behavior can help you set boundaries, foster openness, and avoid manipulation in your relationships. 

Examples of passive aggression from a partner

Passive-aggressive behavior can show up in all sorts of ways in your relationship with your spouse or partner. Here are some common examples. 

Back-handed compliments 

After having your baby, you struggled to feel like yourself amid all the changes. So after many months of neglecting your self-care, you finally book yourself an appointment at the salon for a haircut. After a few blissful hours of pampering, you return home. Upon seeing your shorter hair, your spouse says, “Wow, I think it’s so great that you’re prioritizing practicality over glamor now. Think of all the time you’re going to save now that you don’t have to style your hair like you used to!”

Why they might do it: People who use back-handed compliments often want to avoid direct confrontation and preserve their image. This cruel form of passive-aggressive behavior can allow them to reap the social benefits of being a “nice” person even if that’s not always the case.

Withholding

When you have an argument, your partner acts cold and distant for several days afterward. They pull away from your touch, refusing your usual hugs and kisses. They may also give you the silent treatment, refusing to speak to you unless absolutely necessary. When you ask them why they’re behaving this way, they say that they’re “just not in the mood to talk” but don’t offer any further explanation. After days of this behavior, you start to question what you did wrong.

Why they might do it: People who withhold affection or communication may not have the skills to effectively ask for what they need or express their emotions. In more sinister scenarios, it can also be a way to punish or control their spouse.

Gaslighting

You usually take your daughter to her Saturday-morning soccer practice. But this week, you have to work, so you need your spouse to do it. You remind your spouse about this several times throughout the week, and you also add it to the shared family calendar. 

When Saturday rolls around, you see your spouse packing to go to the gym as you head out to work. Exasperated, you ask them what they’re doing, since your daughter’s practice is about to start. They claim that they have no idea what you’re talking about and this is the first they’re hearing about taking your daughter to soccer.

Why they might do it: Gaslighting can be a way to exert control over a partner or avoid taking accountability by shifting blame and focus.

Murmuring

You usually split most of the household chores pretty evenly with your partner. One of your main responsibilities is vacuuming, which you usually do on the weekends. But this weekend, you ended up spending both days socializing with friends, so your chores fell by the wayside. 

Monday evening, when you return from work, you find that your partner has vacuumed your entire home, top to bottom. When you thank them for taking that task on and apologize for not getting to it, they walk out of the room. As they brush past you, you hear them murmuring under their breath, “I guess if I want to live in a clean house, I have to do it myself.”

Why they might do it: Speaking under the breath can be a way to avoid direct communication. This allows them to express the negative comment they want to say without having to face the other person’s reaction, feelings, or follow-up conversation. People who frequently do this may lack the social skills to communicate their resentment in healthier ways.

Forgetting

For the third month in a row, your spouse has failed to pay the power bill. Now, you just received a notice from the power company that it’s about to shut off your electricity. Frustrated, you ask your spouse why this keeps happening. They claim they just keep forgetting since they have so much on their plate.

Why they might do it: Forgetting can be a conscious or unconscious way to avoid responsibility without directly refusing to do something they don’t want to do.

Weaponized incompetence

You ask your partner to load the dishwasher in a more organized fashion to reduce the number of loads you have to run. When you open the dishwasher to unload it, you find that none of the dishes are clean because it was overloaded far beyond its capacity. When you confront your partner about this, they claim that they must just be “bad” at loading the dishwasher. So you feel you have no choice but to do it yourself.

Why they might do it: Weaponized incompetence is often a way to avoid a task or responsibility a person either doesn’t want to do or doesn’t believe they should have to do.

If you recognize any of these behaviors, you know how frustrating, confusing, and hurtful they can be. And if you’ve engaged in any of them yourself, know that you’re not alone. We all have the capacity to act passive aggressively once in a while. However, when this behavior is severe and repeated, it can escalate into emotional abuse. If you’re experiencing a pattern of ongoing passive-aggressive behavior in your relationship, remember that it’s not your fault, and don’t hesitate to ask for help.

The care you need, when you need it

Learn how Rula can support your mental health journey

Subscribe

I agree to receive emails from Rula and accept the terms outlined in Client Email Consent and Privacy Policy.

Underlying causes of a partner’s passive aggression

We don’t yet fully understand what drives passive-aggressive behavior in relationships. But, as we’ve seen in the examples above, sometimes it’s an unhealthy coping mechanism. People may use it to prevent conflict, evade responsibility, or avoid uncomfortable conversations. People who rely on passive-aggressive behavior may lack communication skills, self-awareness, and the ability to solve problems collaboratively.

Anyone can engage in passive-aggressive behavior. And doing so doesn’t automatically mean that you have a mental health condition. But when it’s severe and chronic, it could be a sign of underlying depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder (BPD), or another condition.

Stopping passive-aggressive behavior in a relationship

The first step in dealing with a passive-aggressive partner is learning to recognize the behavior. Increasing your awareness of what this behavior looks, feels, and sounds like can make it easier to spot in your partner and others.

One of the clearest signs of passive-aggressive behavior is an emotional or practical disconnect. If there’s a big difference between the person’s words and actions or you continue to experience subtle negativity in your interactions, you might be experiencing passive-aggressive behavior. 

Here are some tips to help you cope:

• Avoid assumptions. If you don’t know why your partner is doing or saying something, it’s OK to ask them for clarification. This can help increase shared understanding and let your partner know how their behavior affects you, which can increase accountability. This can also increase your partner’s insight into the subtly expressed negativity that they may not be aware of. 
• Prioritize safety. If you worry that calling out passive-aggressive behavior in the moment could be unsafe, take a pause. You can always wait to address the issue until your partner is in a calmer state. Or, if safety is an ongoing concern, this can be an indicator that it may be in your best interest to remove yourself from the relationship and prioritize your safety.
• Set boundaries. Remember, the only person whose words and actions you can control is you. So, if passive-aggressive behavior is becoming a problem in your relationship, set a boundary using an “I” statement. For example, you can say, “When you communicate indirectly by murmuring under your breath, I feel disrespected. I’m going to take some space from you by moving to another room.” 
• Ask for help. Passive-aggressive behavior can take a toll on your mental health and overall well-being. Therapy can provide a safe space to validate your experiences, process your feelings, and practice setting healthy boundaries in relationships. 

Find care with Rula

From subtle jabs or weaponized incompetence to the silent treatment or purposeful forgetfulness, passive-aggressive behavior can take a serious toll on relationships. And when it’s severe and chronic, it can become a form of emotional abuse that no one should have to tolerate. If passive-aggressive behavior is affecting your relationship, know that you don’t need to navigate this experience alone. Therapy can help you learn to recognize and respond to harmful behavior, validate your emotions, and rebuild your confidence.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

Find a therapist with Rula