Understanding passive aggression from people in your life

Have you ever interacted with someone who said one thing, but their body language or tone of voice conveyed an entirely different message? This might have been an example of passive-aggressive behavior. Passive aggression is when a person expresses negative feelings, like anger and frustration, in indirect ways. 

If you’ve been on the receiving end of passive aggression, you know it can lead to simmering resentment, frustration, and strained relationships. Here’s how to recognize and respectfully address other people’s passive-aggressive behavior to improve your relationships while protecting your emotional well-being.

Signs someone is being passive aggressive

With passive aggression, there can be a disconnect between what people say and do and how they really feel. Someone may claim they’re not upset but then give you the “silent treatment” or complain to a mutual friend. Passive aggressiveness can be expressed through words and behaviors, and it’s not always easy to see. 

Some possible signs that someone is being passive aggressive include: 

• They make sarcastic remarks or backhanded compliments. 
• They complain about feeling underappreciated or taken advantage of.
• They’re resentful of other people’s success.
• They make excuses instead of directly sharing what’s on their mind. 
• They procrastinate tasks or intentionally make mistakes.

You might experience passive aggression at home, work, or school. It can also come from complete strangers. And while a passive-aggressive comment from someone at the grocery store may not be too upsetting, frequent negativity from the people in your life can quickly become a source of stress and discomfort.

Here are some examples of passive aggressive behavior: 

• You decide to host a potluck at your apartment to celebrate the arrival of spring. One friend happily accepts your invitation but then complains to others about having to make a dish for a party she’s not hosting. 
• You start a new assignment at work and have a few questions for your coworker. Instead of providing direct answers, they respond with comments like, “As I already explained to you…” and, “You’re smart enough — I’m sure you won’t forget again.”
• You ask your spouse to grab you a glass of water. They oblige but make comments for the rest of the evening about how they always help you but don’t receive the same treatment in return.
• You invite your mother-in-law over to see your new home. She claims she’s proud of you and your partner for this major accomplishment but says things like, “I thought it would be nicer for the amount you spent.” 
• You order a coffee from your local coffee shop, and the morning barista uses whole milk instead of almond milk. When you kindly request the correct order, they respond by sighing loudly and slamming the almond milk on the counter.

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Why some people are passive aggressive

If someone in your life has a passive-aggressive communication style, you may be wondering what’s behind their behavior. While passive aggressiveness can be considered a form of covert emotional abuse, it’s possible for people to not realize they’re behaving this way.

Passive-aggressive behavior, intentional or not, can be a defense mechanism for underlying emotions like fear, anger, and resentment. For example, someone with low self-esteem or an insecure attachment style may have trouble expressing their needs but become upset when those needs go unmet. 

Passive-aggressive behavior can also be triggered by stressful or challenging situations — especially for people who haven’t learned how to process and manage their feelings in healthy ways. It can even be a way to maintain control in certain situations or relationships.

Passive aggressiveness can occur in people with various mental health conditions, like narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and borderline personality disorder (BPD), depression, anxiety, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and substance use disorders. However, not everyone with these conditions engages in passive-aggressive behavior, and many people exhibit it for reasons unrelated to a mental health diagnosis.

Dealing with someone who’s passive aggressive

While the occasional passive-aggressive remark may not feel like a big deal, a steady stream of criticism or complaints can start to take a toll on you. Passive aggression can contribute to conflict, misunderstandings, and trust issues — all of which can impact your confidence and self-esteem. 

If you’re experiencing passive aggression from someone in your life, consider addressing their communication style and how it’s impacting you and your relationship.

• Recognize the signs. Passive aggression can take many forms, including backhanded compliments and the silent treatment. Before you approach someone with your concerns, take some time to reflect on their behavior patterns and possible triggers. This insight can help you have a more productive and empathetic conversation. 
• Address the behavior, not the person. There’s a chance that someone is unaware of how their words and behaviors affect you. When discussing their behavior, make a point to share a specific example and how it made you feel. For example, you could say, “I felt hurt when this happened,” or, “I don’t find those comments funny. Please stop.” Focusing on the behavior — not the person — is a more effective way to address your concerns.  
• Remain calm. When dealing with someone who’s passive aggressive, it’s important to be mindful of how you communicate. While it may be tempting to respond with your own sarcastic remarks, it’s best to remain calm and respectful when discussing your concerns. Try to avoid anything that could make them feel more defensive, like making assumptions or explicitly calling them passive aggressive.
• Set healthy boundaries. Boundaries are a way of communicating what you will and won’t tolerate in a relationship. If there’s someone in your life whose behavior is upsetting you, take some time to identify your limits, voice your needs, and reinforce those boundaries. In some cases, your boundary may involve taking some space from that person.
• Seek professional support. When someone’s passive aggressiveness starts to impact your mental health, consider speaking with a mental health professional. Therapy can provide support as you navigate difficult relationship dynamics and focus on your own well-being and resilience.

Find care with Rula

Once you notice a person’s passive-aggressive communication style, it can be hard to unsee. Passive aggressiveness can have a negative effect on relationships, potentially leading to resentment and trust issues. Fortunately, working with a therapist can help you learn to manage your emotions, navigate difficult conversations, and improve your relationships.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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