Navigating life with an angry partner

Everyone experiences anger at some point, and it can be a natural response to certain situations. If you think you’ve been mistreated, it’s natural to feel anger, along with other emotions like frustration and hurt. 

However, there’s a difference between a healthy anger response and an unhealthy one. When someone experiences healthy anger, it’s assertive and constructive, focusing on establishing boundaries and discussing feelings of mistreatment. 

When anger becomes overwhelming, volatile, and destructive, it’s no longer a healthy reaction. Approximately 8% of adults in the U.S. struggle with an unhealthy response to anger. Their poorly controlled outbursts occur frequently and often risk both their own well-being and that of those around them, particularly spouses or partners.

Knowing how to deal with an angry spouse or partner can be challenging. It’s a delicate balance between wanting to help them with their emotions and prioritizing your own safety and well-being. 

One of the first key steps in navigating life with an angry partner is developing a better understanding of anger and its causes, as well as how to help your partner while prioritizing your own mental and physical health. 

Understanding the causes of frequent anger

There are many reasons that people get angry. On the surface, most types of anger stem from pain, hurt, or a feeling of being mistreated. However, underlying causes of anger may exist as well, some of which can be traced to unresolved issues in the past or present.

These causes can result from a variety of factors, including:

• Unresolved trauma or stress: Traumatic events in childhood, like abuse and neglect, can leave emotional scars that show up as anger in adulthood. 
• Mental health conditions: People with depression may experience greater irritability and anger due to feelings of hopelessness. And those with bipolar disorder may become more impulsive during manic episodes. 
• Unhealthy substance use: Drugs and alcohol can exacerbate anger or lead to emotional dysregulation, particularly when people use substances as coping mechanisms for underlying issues.
• Physical health conditions: Certain medical conditions, like chronic pain or hormonal imbalances, may also contribute to irritability and anger.
• Feeling like expectations are unmet or unachievable: Setting high standards for oneself or others (perfectionism) can lead to disappointment when those standards aren’t met. The same can also be said for situations in which people feel like they’re not recognized or appreciated, which may cause a person to harbor resentment and anger. 
• Lack of emotional regulation: People who face challenges with effectively managing their emotions may turn to anger as a way to deal with stress and discomfort.  
• External triggers: Pressure from work, issues with colleagues, and feeling underappreciated and undervalued at work can lead to anger. 
• Feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, or poor body image: People with low self-esteem and body image challenges may be more likely to experience anger as a way to compensate for feelings of inadequacy, shame, and insecurity. 

The specific causes of anger can vary from person to person, and it can sometimes be a combination of the above factors that lead to frequent outbursts. 

How an angry partner can affect your mental health

Living with an angry spouse or partner can take a significant toll on your mental health. The exposure to constant anger and conflict may create a stressful environment and can lead to some of the following effects.

• Increased stress levels: When your partner is constantly angry, you’re exposed to the negative long-term effects of anger and conflict. You may experience chronic stress, which can negatively affect your physical and mental health. Stress can disrupt your sleep, which can lead to fatigue and irritability. It can also cause physical symptoms, like headaches, muscle pain, and digestive problems. 
• Lower self-esteem: Living with an angry partner can eat away at your self-esteem and lead you to question your worth. You might find that you blame yourself for your partner’s anger, thinking that you’re the cause of their frequent outbursts. This can worsen feelings of isolation and loneliness.
• Changes in brain structure and function: Research shows that chronic stress, like that associated with living with an angry partner, can alter the structure and function of your brain. This affects mood, memory, and decision making. Additionally, prolonged exposure to cortisol (a “stress hormone” that’s often elevated when living with an angry partner) may damage brain cells and impair cognitive function. 
• Increased anxiety due to worrying about partner’s outbursts: Life with an angry partner can cause you to feel constant worry and anxiety about their behavior. You might live in fear of triggering their intense anger and facing another outburst. This can lead to you becoming hypervigilant, constantly surveying your surroundings for signs of anger. 
• Increased risk of mental health disorders: Repeated exposure to the stress and trauma of living with an angry partner can increase your risk of depression and PTSD. Some people may also find themselves developing a substance use disorder as a way to cope with the stress and emotional pain. 

Seven strategies for coping with a partner who’s always angry

While it’s natural to experience frustration from time to time, prolonged or chronic anger can take a toll on you, your partner, and your relationship. 

Incorporating practical approaches can help you cope with an angry partner and maintain balance in your relationship, while also encouraging healthier ways for your partner to express their emotions.

1. Practice active listening

Healthy communication is an essential component of any relationship. This is especially true when you’re learning how to deal with an angry partner.

One of the first steps of effective communication is active listening. This allows you to truly hear what your partner is saying, and it can also validate their feelings by showing them that they have your full attention. Maintaining eye contact, nodding, and paraphrasing are all active listening techniques that convey empathy and acknowledgement. But it’s important to ensure that validation doesn’t equate to endorsing unhealthy expressions of anger.

2. Use “I” statements

When it’s time to address the issue with your partner, focus on using “I” statements. This might look like saying, “I feel worried about how our conversations escalate” instead of saying, “You’re always angry.” Using language like this may help prevent your partner from feeling attacked or getting defensive. 

3. Time your conversation correctly

Talking about your partner’s anger issues when they’re in the midst of an outburst might not bode well for anyone. It can further intensify their anger and potentially put you in danger. Instead, wait until they’re calm and more open to conversation and solutions. 

4. Establish healthy boundaries

Set aside time to talk to your partner about what is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to how you express anger. You and your partner should both feel comfortable voicing concerns, and both sides should establish healthy, reasonable boundaries.

If your partner is consistently unable to abide by your boundaries, it may be time to consider professional help or work toward safely leaving the relationship. 

5. Avoid engaging in arguments

If your partner becomes too heated when you question them about their anger, take a break. Revisit the conversation when both of you feel more calm. If you find that you’re struggling to communicate effectively with your partner, consider couples therapy. 

6. Practice self-care

When you’re helping your partner work through anger, it can be easy to forget about your own needs. However, caring for yourself is a vital part of coping with a partner who’s always angry.

Between daily responsibilities and working on improving communication and expression with your partner, finding the time for self-care each day may be challenging. Thankfully, even small changes throughout the day can produce helpful results.

Some self-care and self-compassion practices you may want to incorporate into your routine include:

• Exercising regularly
• Developing a healthy sleep routine
• Engaging in activities that make you feel good, like a warm bath or massage
• Practicing mindfulness
• Journaling
• Exploring creative outlets to express yourself
• Incorporating meditation and deep breathing into your day
• Connecting with friends and family
• Practicing gratitude
• Spending time in nature

7. Know when it’s time for professional help

If your partner’s anger issues continue even with lifestyle changes or they begin to have a notable impact on you, then it might be time to seek professional help. This can include both individual therapy and couples therapy.

Couples therapy provides a safe environment for a professional to guide you and your partner through learning healthier communication styles and coping mechanisms. Sometimes, living with an angry partner can cause you to also experience issues with anger. A couples therapist can help you target these concerns.

You and your partner may also benefit from individual therapy for anger. Individual therapy can help you better understand and process your emotions. Working with a therapist alone can also help your partner learn to express themselves in a healthy way and work through any underlying causes of their anger.

Helping a perpetually angry partner

Although professional help may be needed in many instances, there are a variety of things you can do that may help your partner with their anger. When it comes to supporting an angry partner, the key is to find the balance between remaining supportive and maintaining your personal boundaries.

Here are some ways you might be able to help a partner who seems to be angry all or most of the time:

• Show empathy, and acknowledge their feelings. Try to understand your partner’s perspective without judgment, and let them know you understand why they may be feeling angry. 
• Encourage open, healthy communication. Create a safe space for your partner to share their feelings and for you to express yours too. 
• Stay calm, and guide your partner to do the same. Incorporate relaxation techniques like deep breathing to keep conversations calm. This can be a great way to show your partner how to express anger in a constructive way. 
• Promote positive coping mechanisms. Suggest ways that your partner can manage their anger through exercise, hobbies, or time in nature, for example. Also, encourage them to seek professional guidance if they’re struggling to manage their anger on their own. 
• Offer reassurance. Let your partner know you care and that you support them in overcoming their anger issues. And both of you should know that change takes time, so be patient. 

It’s important to remember that there should be a balance between your partner’s needs and feelings and your own. If your partner’s behaviors have a notable impact on your sense of safety or well-being, it’s crucial to prioritize your emotional and physical health. 

While seeking professional help may be a first step, if the situation becomes unsafe or unmanageable, it may be necessary to consider ending the relationship. Remember, your safety and well-being should always come first, and seeking guidance from a healthcare professional can help you navigate these difficult decisions.

Find care with Rula

Living with an angry spouse or partner can be challenging and complex. While professional help may be necessary, you can take steps to support your partner while also protecting your own well-being. Understanding the causes of anger, learning how to communicate with an angry spouse, and seeking support can help you navigate this situation. But your safety and well-being should always be your priority. If you feel unsafe, reach out to a professional or someone you trust. 

If you or a loved one struggles with anger, know that change and balance are possible. With Rula’s therapist-matching platform, you can find the right in-network therapist for you. After choosing the right care and provider for you, you can schedule your first meeting as soon as tomorrow.

However, if you’re facing immediate safety concerns, contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline Website, or call 800-799-SAFE (7233) for confidential assistance.

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