How to overcome infidelity and heal individually or as a couple

Most people see infidelity or cheating as having no place in a healthy, long-term relationship. But despite these attitudes, it’s incredibly common. According to national surveys, approximately 15% of women and 25% of men admit to engaging in sexual activity outside of their committed partnership. When we account for emotional affairs without a sexual component, those rates increase by 20%. 

So if you’re one of the many people whose relationship has been impacted by infidelity, know that you’re not alone and help is available. Infidelity is one of the primary reasons that couples seek therapy. But whether you seek to heal from a breach of trust as a couple or on your own, know that you can overcome the pain of infidelity and repair your ability to trust.

What is infidelity?

When you hear the term “infidelity,” what do you think of? For most people, it calls to mind images of cheating or sexual liaisons outside of a committed partnership. But the truth is that infidelity can take many forms, and cheating isn’t limited to sexual affairs. Each couple gets to define the rules that govern their relationship. What counts as infidelity in one couple might not be viewed the same way by others. 

For example, some people might view flirting, texting, or other online interactions as cheating. But others may view sexual activity as the only type of infidelity that could violate trust. It’s also important to note that, for some people, emotional affairs can be more damaging than sexual ones. This might include sharing deep, personal information and cultivating non-sexual intimacy with a person who isn’t your partner.

How to heal from infidelity

There are many ways to overcome infidelity. For some couples, a serious breach of trust may prompt the end of their relationship. Other couples may choose to work together with a shared desire to repair their connection. But whether you embark on this journey individually or as a couple, know that you can heal from infidelity with the right support. 

If you’re feeling lost or unsure what to do next, give yourself time for self-care and to process your emotions. Then, consider using the following steps as you think about what’s next for you and your relationship.

1. Acknowledge the pain. The early days and weeks after an infidelity disclosure can leave you feeling heartbroken, angry, and betrayed. Your emotions may vary from one moment to another, and that’s completely normal. Remember, this isn’t a linear process, and you deserve whatever time and space you need to acknowledge your pain and grieve the loss of trust you’ve experienced.
2. Communicate openly about the betrayal. If you’ve experienced infidelity in your relationship, you might wish you could just press a “reset” button and go back to the way things used to be. But experts say that attempting to push difficult emotions under the rug in an attempt to return to normalcy could cause further damage to the relationship. Instead, both partners need to communicate openly and honestly about the betrayal and their wishes for the future.
3. Decide on a path forward together or separately. People respond to infidelity in different ways, and many factors can shape your desire to stay together or separate. You get to decide what is ultimately best for you and your mental health. But if you and your partner decide to stay together and work toward healing, it must be a joint effort. Keep in mind that it may take you some time to make a decision, and that’s OK.
4. Consider therapy. Many people find that it’s helpful to work with a therapist to process the pain of infidelity and repair their ability to trust. You can do this either in couples counseling, individual counseling, or with a combination of both. 

How couples therapy can support healing after infidelity

Research shows that therapy can help couples work through infidelity, stay together, and even improve their relationship. While the process can vary from one couple to the next, a couples therapist can help you and your partner address three important aspects of overcoming infidelity. 

A couples therapist can help you:

• Identify the underlying reasons the infidelity occurred. Most of the time, infidelity is a symptom of a deeper concern that you must address for lasting healing to occur. A therapist can help you and your partner explore why the infidelity happened and create a plan to work through those dynamics individually or as a couple. These might include addressing things like emotional trauma, a fear of abandonment, attachment issues, negative past experiences, retaliation for past hurts, or low self-esteem.

• Increase your understanding of the relationship dynamics that need to change. Affairs don’t usually happen in a vacuum, and each person must be willing to acknowledge what role they had in contributing to a loss of closeness and trust. A therapist can help you and your partner understand the interpersonal dynamics you need to shift if you wish to stay together.

• Work together toward a mutual resolution. If the choice is to remain together, you and your partner both need to take an active role in the therapeutic process. But to get to that point, you’ll both need to reflect on why you want to remain in the relationship, what you want your relationship to look like in the future, and what you both need to move forward.   

How long does it take to heal from infidelity?

When it comes to healing from infidelity, there’s no set timeline for recovery. Infidelity can cause a significant loss of trust that may take a long time to process. 

Remember, your healing journey is your own. Whether you decide to stay with your partner or end the relationship, be patient with yourself throughout this experience, and remember that healing is hard work. Try to channel some self-compassion, and know that you are not defined by your relationships. 

And if you need some extra help, don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional for individual therapy. Sometimes, infidelity can lead to relationship trauma that can be difficult to overcome on your own. But by working with a therapist, you can address the effects of infidelity, repair your ability to trust, and overcome the trauma of betrayal.

Find care with Rula

If you’re dealing with the impact of infidelity in your relationship, know that healing is possible. And whether you choose to stay together or end the relationship, therapy can help. 

At Rula, we make it easy to find individual, couples, or family therapy when you need it most. Our therapist-matching program can help you find an in-network therapist you can meet with from the comfort of home. In just a few clicks, you can sort through your options, find the right provider for your needs, and make your first appointment as soon as tomorrow. 

Find a therapist with Rula