Key Takeaways
- Before asking for an open relationship, take some time to reflect. Consider why you want to make this change and how it might affect your current partner.
- During the conversation, try to be patient and prepare for mixed reactions. Offer flexibility and reassurance when you can, and let your partner know that they don’t need to make a decision right away.
- Whether you’re just beginning to explore the idea of opening up or you’re already practicing ethical nonmonogamy, therapy can help. Couples therapists who specialize in open relationships can help you and your partner create the relationship structure that works best for you both.
If you’re wondering how to ask for an open relationship, you’re not alone.
Today, more people are beginning to question compulsory monogamy — the societal pressure to be in a relationship with one other person — as they explore more diverse relationship dynamics. Open relationships are a form of ethical nonmonogamy. Ethical nonmonogamy refers to relationships in which all parties agree to engage with other consenting partners. These types of relationships can include practices like swinging or polyamory, which involve consensual sexual or emotional connections with multiple people at the same time.
If you’re interested in changing the structure of your monogamous relationship, it’s important to communicate with your partner. However, sometimes it can be challenging to find the right words to initiate this important conversation. It may be worth meeting with a couples counselor to explore this desire in a safe and supportive space.
Additionally, consider these tips to ask for an open relationship in a way that demonstrates honesty and respect for your current partner.
Is it the right time to ask for an open relationship?
Before you decide to ask for an open relationship, it’s important to take some time to do some introspection. Some questions to consider include:
- Why do you feel drawn to open relationships?
- What are you hoping an open relationship will give you that you don’t have in your current dynamic? Similarly, what might an open relationship free you from?
- What about your experience of monogamy makes you feel that it might not be right for you?
- Are you interested in being polyamorous and developing emotional intimacy with others? If so, do you want your current partner to remain your primary partner?
- Are you interested in a swinger dynamic, in which the focus is mainly on developing sexual relationships with others while reserving deeper emotional intimacy for your current partner?
- Is there anything that worries you about opening up your relationship?
- If your partner begins spending time with someone else, how much do you want to know about it?
- What resources do you have to help you and your partner navigate this change?
- How do you see yourself managing any jealousy that might arise once you open up?
- If your partner declines your request for an open relationship, what will that mean for you? Are you able to continue your monogamous commitment?
Some of these questions might be difficult to answer, and that’s OK. You don’t have to have every detail figured out before bringing this topic to your partner. However, the more clarity you have about your needs and desires, the better equipped you’ll be to communicate them to your partner.
Once you gather some of these insights, consider whether this is the right time for this conversation. You know your relationship best and the implications for waiting to discuss this. But in general, it’s probably not a great idea to ask for a change to your relationship structure when things are rocky or you’re navigating a major life event (i.e. grieving a loss, having a baby, or moving across the country). Instead, try to have the conversation when you’re in a more stable place.
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6 tips to guide your conversation with your partner
When you’re ready to talk to your partner about an open relationship, the following tips can help you have a respectful, compassionate conversation.
1. Pick the right time and place
As you prepare to discuss what’s likely a sensitive topic, you can demonstrate concern for your partner by picking a private place where you won’t be overheard or interrupted. Also, think about your schedules and choose a time when neither of you will feel rushed.
2. Have patience
If this is the first time you’re bringing up the possibility of an open relationship, your partner will probably need some time to process everything you’ve discussed. It’s unlikely that you’ll come to a final decision after a single conversation. Let your partner know that you can continue the discussion when they’re ready.
3. Prepare for mixed reactions
It’s OK to be nervous about how your partner might react to your request to open the relationship. But remember that while you may have been considering the idea for some time, this might be the first time they’re hearing about it. It’s possible that they could have a strong emotional reaction to the request — especially at first. You can reassure them by communicating that their feelings are valid and that you want to find a solution that works for both of you.
4. Suggest some “baby steps”
If your partner is open to experimenting with ethical nonmonogamy, offer to take things slow and let them set the pace. You don’t have to go “all in” with swinging or polyamory right away, and moving too fast could damage your connection. Instead, suggest some “baby steps” like flirting, fantasizing, or using a dating app together. Afterward, process how the experience felt and agree on next steps together.
5. Offer flexibility
In some open relationships, partners give each other “veto power.” This means that they can request to open or close the relationship at different times, depending on what’s going on in the couple’s life. If this model works for you, it may help your partner to know that they’ll continue to have a choice in how your relationship is structured over time. But again, this dynamic reinforces isn’t right for everyone.
6. Ask for help
Like any other relationship style, there’s no surefire blueprint for successful ethical nonmonogamy. So, as you navigate this shift, know that you don’t have to do it alone. There are therapists who specialize in supporting people in all sorts of relationship styles. These providers will help you navigate your unique challenges and celebrate the relationship structure that works best for you and your partner(s).
One common misconception is that open relationships are effortless or free from boundaries, when in reality they require clear communication, trust, and ongoing emotional check-ins. People often assume that jealousy disappears, but it’s more about learning how to navigate it consciously and kindly. If you’re curious about what this could look like for you, therapy is a great place to explore your values, fears, and desires around connection.
Find care with Rula
If you’re thinking about asking your partner for an open relationship, know that it’s OK to seek outside support. A therapist who specializes in ethical nonmonogamy or polyamory can offer expert guidance as you navigate this transition.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
About the author
Liz Talago
Liz Talago, M.ed. is a mental health professional turned content writer and strategist based in the Detroit metro area. As an independent consultant for mental health organizations, Liz creates meaningful connections between brands and their audiences through strategic storytelling. Liz is known for championing diverse perspectives within the mental health industry and translating bold ideas into inspiring, affirming digital experiences.
In her free time, you can find her hiking with her two German Shepherds, puttering around her dahlia garden, or spending time with her family.
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