Identifying and recovering from narcissistic abuse

People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may engage in narcissistic abuse. People with NPD tend to show a series of traits that make them more likely to harm, manipulate, or take advantage of others. 

Like other forms of abuse, narcissistic abuse hinges on an imbalance of power. People with NPD often use subtle tactics to erode the self-esteem of the people they abuse, make them question their reality, and manipulate them for their own gain. But narcissistic abuse can also take more obvious forms, like physical aggression or violence. 

If you suspect that you’re the victim of abuse of any kind, it’s important to learn to identify it, surround yourself with support, and take steps to keep yourself and your family safe.

Four types of narcissistic abuse 

It can be difficult to tell the difference between narcissistic abuse and other forms of abuse. However, it’s important to keep in mind that people with NPD often have a grandiose sense of self. This means they may feel entitled to special treatment and often think they’re smarter than everyone else. 

Their belief in their superiority is coupled with a lack of empathy for others. When combined, these traits may cause a person to engage in one or more of the following patterns of narcissistic abuse. 

1. Overt narcissistic abuse

Imagine you’ve just received a promotion at work that you’re very proud of. It comes with a significant raise, and now, you’ll be making more money than your partner. In the past, your partner mocked you for your earnings and used money as a means of control in the relationship. 

When you’re out to dinner with family and friends to celebrate your achievement, your partner loudly tells the group that your new job is a joke. They tell everyone you’ll probably get demoted once your boss realizes what an idiot you are. 

2. Covert narcissistic abuse

You volunteer with a local animal shelter and work closely with the leader of the fundraising committee. This person acts as the public face of the shelter. To most people, they seem selfless, caring, and almost a martyr to the cause. But behind closed doors, they berate and belittle other volunteers. They also give the silent treatment to any volunteers they feel aren’t meeting their ambitious fundraising targets.

3. Professional narcissistic abuse

During your last annual review, your boss told you that you weren’t eligible for the promotion you’ve been working toward. They tell you that you need to spend more time proving yourself. So over the next few months, you come in early and stay late, tackle extra projects, and solve problems for your team. 

During a recent meeting, your boss took credit for your extra work in front of the senior management team. When you mention your contributions during your next review, your boss gaslights you and says he never promised you a promotion.

4. Romantic narcissistic abuse

When you first started dating your partner, they showered you with compliments, professed their love after only a few dates, and spoiled you with gifts. You felt swept off your feet and soon fell head over heels. 

But after a few short months, you barely recognize your partner. They’ve become cold, harsh, and distant,and they no longer seem like the romantic, loving person you met in the beginning. This shift is called “lovebombing,” and it’s a common manipulation tactic among people with NPD.

Effects of narcissistic abuse

Like other forms of abuse, ongoing narcissistic abuse can have serious consequences for your mental and physical well-being. Research shows that victims of this form of abuse may experience:

• A decline in mental and physical health due to physical aggression
• Limited social support due to isolation from friends and loved ones
• Financial instability due to financial exploitation
• A general loss of independence and autonomy 
• Living in constant fear for one’s safety or the safety of their children
• A loss of identity and sense of self

Healing from narcissistic abuse

If you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, help is available. Therapy can provide a safe, confidential environment to process your experience. Your therapist can help you understand how the abuse has affected you and help you learn healthy coping strategies for the future. 

In addition to seeking professional help, there are also some healing techniques you can practice on your own.

• Start the day with a positive affirmation. One of the most damaging outcomes of abuse is that survivors may start to absorb some of the negative things their abuser says about them. Make a positive statement to yourself about yourself every morning to work to counteract this negativity.
• Take some deep breaths. Breathing exercises can calm the body and quiet the mind. So if you’re feeling anxious or stressed, pause, and focus on your breath. Inhale and exhale slowly, and notice how you’re feeling.
• Do some movement you love. Exercise can be a great way to release uncomfortable emotions. It doesn’t have to be intense cardio or a specific exercise routine. It can be any form of movement you enjoy and look forward to.
• Find a creative outlet. Self-expression has been shown to help reduce the impact of trauma. But you don’t have to be an artist to enjoy the mental health benefits of creativity. Find something that you enjoy, whether that’s drawing, painting, sculpting, singing, writing, or playing an instrument. 

Find care with Rula

Abuse of any kind can take a toll on your mental health and overall well-being. But often, narcissistic abuse can be subtle and hard to detect. This can make it difficult to know when to ask for help. But if someone is hurting you repeatedly and you’re feeling powerless to stop the behavior, you deserve support. 

And thanks to Rula, you can connect with a compassionate therapist who can help you navigate the impact of trauma and abuse from the comfort of home. With our therapist-matching program, you can find a provider who takes your insurance, and you don’t have to wait weeks or months for an appointment. In just a few minutes, you can sift through your options, select the right therapist for you, and make your first appointment as early as this week.

However, if you’re facing immediate safety concerns, contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline Website, or call 800-799-SAFE (7233) for confidential assistance.

Find a therapist with Rula