What micro-cheating means for your relationship

If you’re in a monogamous relationship, you may have an idea of how you’d react if your partner cheated by having a sexual or romantic relationship with someone else. But when your partner engages in “micro-cheating,” things can feel a little murkier.

For example, what would you do if your partner hid that they were texting their ex late at night? Flirted with a coworker at happy hour? Or lied about their relationship status on a dating app — but never actually met up with anyone?

Even if micro-cheating doesn’t cross the line into full-fledged infidelity, it can still be emotionally hurtful and break the trust in a relationship. How you want to move forward is up to you, but couples therapy can help. 

What’s considered micro-cheating

Just as each couple has their own idea of what cheating looks like, there’s no objective answer on what behaviors are considered “micro-cheating.” Research shows most people are clear about what constitutes physical or sexual infidelity, but when it comes to emotional infidelity — behaviors that could fall under the umbrella of “micro-cheating” — the line gets blurrier. 

Micro-cheating is generally understood as subtle behaviors that betray a partner’s trust without fully crossing the threshold into what the couple considers “cheating.”

For example, many monogamous partners consider kissing or having a sexual encounter with another partner as cheating. Within these boundaries, micro-cheating could include:

• Sending flirty or romantic messages to someone else
• Hiding a close friendship from your partner
• Taking off your wedding ring before going out
• Lying about your relationship status to someone new
• Keeping a dating app on your phone “just to browse”
• Talking negatively about your partner to someone you’re attracted to
• Consistently seeking validation or emotional intimacy from someone outside the relationship

Keep in mind that these examples are very subjective. They could be considered a betrayal by some couples, while others may think they’re completely fine. And research has shown that social media discourse has highly influenced what we think of as “transgressions” in relationships. At the end of the day, it’s most important to understand your partner’s boundaries.

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The emotional fallout of micro-cheating

Just because your partner hasn’t had a full-fledged physical affair doesn’t mean that micro-cheating isn’t emotionally damaging. Everyone reacts to their partners’ “micro-cheating” in their own ways. Some partners may not be bothered as long as no sexual encounters occur. But many people feel betrayed — even as betrayed as if their partner had physically cheated on them.

Whatever you’re feeling is valid. There’s no “right” way to feel in response to micro-cheating.

There’s no research on if people who micro-cheat are more likely to have a physical affair. But remember, just because it’s not a physical affair doesn’t mean it’s any less hurtful. 

Tips for navigating micro-cheating

Whether micro-cheating is forgivable or not is entirely personal. No one — including a therapist — can make that decision for you. But if you decide that you want to make the relationship work, here are some ways to manage micro-cheating.

Address it

The longer you let micro-cheating continue without addressing it, the blurrier the boundaries can become. It’s important to address these behaviors as soon as possible. 

Choose a time when you’re both feeling calm. Tell your partner exactly how these behaviors make you feel, but try to avoid attacking their character. For example, you might say something like, “When you text your ex and hide it from me, it makes me feel like I can’t trust you. I need transparency if we’re going to continue our relationship.”

Clarify boundaries

It’s essential to get clear on the boundaries in your relationship, ensuring you’re on the same page as your partner. For example, is staying in communication with an ex acceptable? What about “innocent flirting” at work?

Obviously, it would be difficult to narrow down every single behavior that could break boundaries. So it’s often easier to define the boundaries themselves. For example, you might say, “I want to know who you’re with when you’re going out with friends,” or, “I need to know that you’re not hiding conversations from me, even if they seem harmless.”

Work on strengthening your bond

If you decide to move on from micro-cheating, it’s important to strengthen your bond. This can mean spending more intentional time together, having regular check-ins about how you’re feeling, and rebuilding emotional intimacy through open communication and shared activities.

Plus, when your relationship is strong, you may be less likely to feel betrayed by — or suspicious of — your partner’s actions. Strengthening your connection can also help you feel more secure, which may reduce the temptation for either of you to seek validation elsewhere.

Consider couples therapy

If your relationship involves micro-cheating, a lack of boundaries, or damaged trust, couples therapy can help. A therapist can support you both in uncovering what’s going on beneath the surface — whether that’s unmet emotional needs, unspoken resentment, or different expectations for the relationship.

Couples therapy can also help you learn effective communication, clarify boundaries in a way that feels fair, and work toward healing if trust has been broken.

Find care with Rula

Micro-cheating might not involve physical infidelity, but it can still have a big impact on how safe, valued, and respected you feel in your relationship. Whether you want to repair things or simply understand your options, a therapist can help you determine what’s right for you.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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