Key Takeaways
- Self-esteem reflects how we view and value ourselves. Low self-esteem can strain relationships, leading to arguments, insecurities, and a lack of trust.
- When someone in a relationship has low self-esteem, they may feel unappreciated, experience feelings of loneliness, have a higher risk of anxiety and depression, and question their partner’s love and commitment.
- Feeling confident in yourself is related to building and keeping strong and lasting relationships. If you’re experiencing low self-esteem, practicing self-care and seeking therapy can equip you with the tools and support you need to restore your confidence.
Low self-esteem can pose challenges in romantic relationships — especially when one partner needs constant reassurance or finds it difficult to share their feelings.
In a healthy relationship, both partners should feel secure, valued, and comfortable talking openly. While low self-esteem can make this more complicated, practicing self-compassion, seeking support, and working with a trained therapist can help you rebuild your self-worth and strengthen your relationship.
Common signs of low self-esteem in relationships
Self-esteem often develops as the result of childhood experiences like trauma, bullying, or having overly critical or demanding parents. Physical abuse, neglect, or the early loss of a loved one can also contribute to how you see yourself. These unresolved feelings and emotions from childhood can leave a lasting impact and influence your self-esteem and relationships as an adult.
In some cases, low self-esteem develops later in life due to body image issues, chronic stress, or traumatic events.
The signs of low self-esteem in relationships can differ for each person, but common ones include:
- Constant need for reassurance: Frequently seeking validation from your partner to feel worthy and loved
- Fear of rejection or abandonment: Excessive worry about your partner leaving, even when there’s no reason to believe they will
- Difficulty accepting love: Feeling undeserving of affection or questioning your partner’s motives
- Jealousy or comparison: Comparing yourself to others or feeling insecure when your partner interacts with others
- Overcompensating or people pleasing: Overextending yourself to gain love and approval
- Avoiding conflict: Holding back your feelings or needs out of fear that disagreements or expectations might push your partner away
These behaviors and feelings are often the result of internal insecurities and fears. Working on them with self-awareness and professional support can improve both how you view yourself and your relationship.
The care you need, when you need it
Learn how Rula can support your mental health journey
How can poor self-esteem affect your relationship?
People with low self-esteem may deeply desire a healthy relationship but feel unsure about how to make it work. Their self-doubt, fear of rejection, and insecurities can make it challenging to set boundaries and keep the relationship balanced.
Low self-esteem can negatively affect relationships by causing you to:
- Stay in a bad relationship: Remaining in a toxic or abusive relationship because you think you don’t deserve better
- Jump to conclusions: Assuming your partner is neglecting or cheating on you, even without evidence
- Neglect your own needs: Finding it hard to ask for what you need or want in a relationship
- Blame yourself: Thinking that everything that goes wrong is your fault
- Avoid physical and emotional intimacy: Having a hard time maintaining close connections due to feelings of insecurity
Do you need to love yourself to be in a relationship?
Loving yourself can strengthen and improve your relationships, but it’s not a strict requirement for loving someone else. You can care deeply for someone while working on self-love, and the process can boost your confidence and deepen the bond in your relationship.
For some people, their self-worth is closely linked to the state of their relationship, a pattern known as Relationship contingent self-esteem (RCSE). People with RCSE feel good about themselves when their relationship is going well but may feel anxious or worthless when there are conflicts or challenges in the relationship.
Understanding self-love and working to boost your self-esteem involves accepting yourself, imperfections and all, and maintaining a positive self-image. When you know your value, you’re less likely to accept mistreatment in a relationship. You’ll also likely feel more secure and be more able to have constructive conversations.
Overcoming self-esteem issues in relationships
Breaking the cycle of low self-esteem and believing you aren’t good enough or deserving of a happy, healthy relationship, can be challenging. But through a combination of self-care, support, and talk therapy, it’s possible to rebuild your confidence and change your mindset.
Having low self-esteem is linked to negative thinking, anxiety, and depression. If you’re experiencing low self-esteem, some steps you can take to boost your confidence include:
- Practicing self-care: Prioritizing yourself improves mental health, leads to higher self-esteem, and increases self-worth. Making time for regular exercise and activities you enjoy can make a big difference.
- Focusing on the positive: Surround yourself with uplifting friends, a good support system, and opportunities to receive positive feedback.
- Challenging negative self-talk: Ask yourself, “Would I talk to a friend the way I talk to myself?” We’re often much tougher on ourselves than we’d ever be with someone we care about. The next time you notice negative thoughts creeping in, respond with the same kindness and encouragement you’d offer a friend. Replace self-criticism with gentle, supportive words.
- Focusing on facts, not assumptions: Facts are verifiable, like saying, “I live in Arizona.” On the other hand, thoughts like, “I’m not good enough” are assumptions, not truths. People with low self-esteem often accept these assumptions without any evidence. Remember: Just because you think it doesn’t make it true. Question assumptions, and focus on evidence to build a healthier relationship with yourself and others.
- Considering therapy: A therapist trained in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help boost your self-esteem. CBT helps people separate feelings from facts, addressing harmful beliefs like, “I’m unlovable” by replacing them with more positive, realistic perspectives.
Find care with Rula
If low self-esteem is affecting your relationships, remember that help is available. Strengthening your self-esteem can improve your relationships and help you develop a stronger sense of self. Working with a skilled therapist can help you gain perspective, deepen self-awareness, and become more confident and assertive.
At Rula, we believe everyone deserves affordable, effective mental healthcare. With a network of over 10,000+ therapists, it’s easy to find a provider who accepts your insurance and can meet with you as soon as tomorrow.
About the author
Linda Childers
Linda is an award-winning medical writer with experience writing for major media outlets, health companies, hospitals, and both consumer and trade print and digital outlets.
Her articles have appeared in the Washington Post, USA Today, WebMD, AARP, Brain+Life, HealthyWomen.org, The Rheumatologist, California Health Report, Everyday Health, HealthCentral, and many other media outlets.
While juggling the responsibilities of being part of the “sandwich generation” and caring for both her toddler son and terminally ill mother, a nurse friend encouraged her to seek therapy, which helped her to learn coping strategies and manage her depression. Linda hopes her work will help to destigmatize mental health conditions and encourage others to get the help they need.
Rula's editorial process
Rula's editorial team is on a mission to make science-backed mental health insights accessible and practical for every person seeking to better understand or improve mental wellness.
Members of Rula’s clinical leadership team and other expert providers contribute to all published content, offering guidance on themes and insights based on their firsthand experience in the field. Every piece of content is thoroughly reviewed by a clinician before publishing.
