Dealing with low emotional intelligence in others

Intelligence is often measured by thinking and cognitively solving problems. But there’s another type of intelligence that many experts say is just as important: emotional intelligence. When someone lacks emotional intelligence, it doesn’t mean that they’re a bad person. But it’s important to understand how to deal with someone with low emotional intelligence to ensure a healthy relationship with them.

Thankfully, emotional intelligence is a skill that can be learned and improved. Just because someone lacks emotional intelligence now doesn’t mean they’ll always lack it. You can support people with low emotional intelligence while protecting your mental health at the same time.

Signs someone lacks emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence is about how well we’re able to reflect and understand our own emotions, the emotions of others, and express or manage them appropriately. And sometimes we’re simply not taught the tools we need to be able to do this.

According to psychologist Daniel Goleman, emotional intelligence has five key components. People with low emotional intelligence will show signs in each of these five areas.

• Self-regulation: Someone with low emotional intelligence may not be able to manage their emotions. They may frequently and easily have emotional “meltdowns” or be completely unable to soothe themselves. For example, someone with  low emotional intelligence might explode or shut down at a minor inconvenience.
• Self-awareness: They’re not aware of their own emotions or why they react the way they do. They might struggle to take accountability or admit when they’re wrong because they don’t fully understand their emotional patterns and the influence it may have on others.
• Empathy: When someone lacks empathy, they struggle to understand or validate the emotions of others. They may seem cold, dismissive, or like they’re always making things about themselves. This can also affect their ability to feel and express remorse if they’ve hurt you in some way.
• Social and interpersonal skills: They may have a hard time communicating clearly, resolving conflict, or building strong connections. They may interrupt, talk over people, or dominate conversations without noticing. They may miss social cues and have difficulty expressing needs to others.
• Motivation: People with low emotional intelligence might have low intrinsic motivation — they may struggle to know their values, likes, and interests, so finding engaging activities is hard. They may avoid hard conversations or give up easily when it comes to improving things. This can deepen their lack of motivation, leading to a sense of disconnection in relationships.

The care you need, when you need it

Learn how Rula can support your mental health journey

Subscribe

I agree to receive emails from Rula and accept the terms outlined in Client Email Consent and Privacy Policy.

Underlying causes of low emotional intelligence

Low emotional intelligence doesn’t come from an underlying personality defect. For many people, it’s caused by a lack of healthy emotional role models — especially in early childhood. Research shows that childhood maltreatment is linked to lower emotional intelligence.

If someone grew up in a home where emotions were punished, ignored, or misunderstood, they may never have learned how to recognize or express their own feelings — let alone respond to someone else’s. 

For example, someone who experienced childhood abuse or neglect might have learned to shut down their emotions as a way to survive. Over time, this can lead to deep disconnection from their inner world, making it harder to build strong relationships in adulthood.

Some research has also found that low emotional intelligence is associated with certain mental health conditions, including depression, anxiety, stress, and borderline personality disorder. But the relationship isn’t necessarily causal, and we need more research to understand this more deeply. 

Ways to maintain a healthy relationship

Emotional intelligence isn’t something you’re either born with or not. It’s a skill that people learn. And even if someone you love didn’t learn it in childhood doesn’t mean they never can. 

It’s absolutely possible for someone with low emotional intelligence to learn the skills they need to be able to manage and express their emotions in healthier ways. But it’s not your job to help this person change — especially if the relationship is triggering for you. 

In the meantime, you can use these strategies to communicate with someone with low emotional intelligence and protect your own boundaries and mental health.

Set boundaries

It can be frustrating, overwhelming, and even hurtful to deal with someone who doesn’t know how to manage their emotions. And it can be all too easy to take on the role of managing these emotions for them. But especially if the other person is an adult, it’s important to remember this isn’t your job.

Having healthy boundaries can help you stay emotionally safe and clear on what’s yours to carry. Boundaries can look different depending on the relationship you have with this person and how you want to move forward. They can range from going no contact to simply maintaining certain emotional boundaries. The important thing is to stay consistent.

Be direct about your emotions and needs

Don’t assume someone with low emotional intelligence will be able to “read between the lines” and know what you need or how you want to be treated. Be as direct as possible when communicating your needs and avoid any ambiguity.

For example, you might say something like, “When I’m upset, I need you to listen without interrupting.” Or, “It’s important to me that we don’t yell when we’re having a disagreement.” It can even help to put things in writing to help your loved one remember what you talked about without becoming defensive or overwhelmed.

Tune into your emotional intelligence

Use your own emotional intelligence skills to help regulate yourself during tough interactions. This might mean recognizing when you’re getting triggered, staying calm during conflict, or choosing empathy even when it’s hard.

By tuning into your emotions — and theirs, when necessary — you can set the tone for healthier communication. This doesn’t mean taking responsibility for their behavior. But it does mean staying grounded so you don’t get swept up in their emotional chaos.

Encourage them to learn and change

If the person is open to it, you can gently encourage them to build their emotional intelligence. You might recommend a book, podcast, or article that helped you. Or suggest working with a therapist who can help them learn the emotional skills they may not have been taught.

Family therapy or couples counseling can also be helpful — especially if emotional intelligence challenges are getting in the way of your relationship. But ultimately, they need to want to do the work. You can’t do it for them, as much as you might want to. If they’re unwilling to listen to your concerns or make you feel unsafe, it might be time to let go of the relationship. It’s important to prioritize your own mental health and safety.

Find care with Rula

Low emotional intelligence doesn’t make someone a bad person, but it can make relationships harder. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure how to move forward, therapy can not only help your loved one but also help you stay grounded and make the choices that are right for you.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

Find a provider with Rula