Key Takeaways
- Love bombing is a manipulation tactic that uses excessive displays of affection and attention to gain control over someone.
- This type of emotional abuse is often perpetrated by people with insecure attachment styles, narcissistic tendencies, or low self-esteem.
- If you’re being love bombed, it’s important to set healthy boundaries and reconnect with trusted family and friends. In some cases, you might want to work with a mental health professional to help you navigate next steps.
There’s nothing quite like the start of a new romantic relationship. It’s normal to want to spend a lot of time together or to light up every time they send you a message. And if your new partner shows their feelings through delicious dinners and thoughtful gifts, you may think you’ve hit the romantic jackpot.
But what if the attention and affection start to become a little overwhelming? This may be a sign of love bombing, a type of emotional manipulation used to influence another person and gain a sense of control over the relationship.
What is love bombing?
Love bombing is when someone uses grand gestures and excessive affection to gain control over another person. It can happen at any point in a relationship, but most often happens in the early days of a new romantic relationship. Love bombing can sometimes be confused for the honeymoon stage, but there are several notable differences.
With healthy relationships, both people are eager to learn about one another and enjoy each other’s company. It’s a genuine connection that grows deeper and more sustainable with time. Relationships with a love bomber tend to be more one sided, with the love bomber going above and beyond to create dependency.
Love bombing is typically characterized by three stages:
- Idealization: Relationships with love bombers often progress quickly, with one person using praise, flattery, or expensive gifts to win the other person’s trust and affection.
- Devaluation: As time goes on, the love bomber will show their true self. They may become jealous, possessive, or use manipulative tactics, like gaslighting and emotional abuse, to control the relationship. Devaluation is often followed by a return to the love bombing to keep their partner in the relationship. This can be very confusing for someone to navigate.
- Discard: Love bombers will end a relationship when it no longer meets their needs or after being confronted about their behaviors and lack of boundaries. This can leave the other person feeling confused, disappointed, or hurt.
Six common signs of love bombing
Still not sure if what you’re experiencing is mutual infatuation or something that’s potentially harmful? Here are six warning signs of love bombing.
- Excessive praise: Most people enjoy a compliment or two, but be mindful of excessive flattery, praise, and attention. More specifically, look for flattery that feels inauthentic or comes without the other person really knowing you.
- Over-the-top gifts: Grand gestures and extravagant gifts, particularly at the start of a relationship, may be a sign of love bombing. These gifts are sometimes used to make the other person feel indebted to the love bomber.
- Constant communication: Another common love-bombing tactic is excessive communication, including frequent calls and texts throughout the day.
- Pressure to commit: Each relationship has its own timeline, but be cautious of relationships that progress too quickly. Red flags include someone saying “I love you” or using labels like “soulmate” or “other half” before you’ve gotten to know one another fully or established a comfortable level of trust and commitment.
- Too much together time: Often, love bombers demand all of the other person’s time and attention. They may prevent you from spending time with family and friends or become upset if you have other plans.
- Lack of boundaries: Love bombers have trouble setting healthy boundaries and taking no for an answer. If you feel like you can’t say no without your partner reacting negatively, it may be a sign of love bombing.
Why do people love bomb?
There are associations between love bombing and attachment styles, including anxious attachment style and avoidant attachment style, and low self-esteem. Love bombing has also been linked to narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), a mental health condition defined by an inflated sense of self-importance, desire for admiration, and lack of empathy. In some cases, love bombing may be learned behavior from a person’s parents, caregivers, or past relationships.
Psychological and emotional impact of love bombing
When people are in abusive relationships, they sometimes develop what’s known as a trauma bond. A trauma bond is an unhealthy emotional connection with someone who causes you mental, emotional, or physical harm. Even when people are aware of the patterns of abuse, this bond can make it difficult to leave the relationship, leading to self-doubt, insecurities, and emotional instability.
Love bombing can also cause mental health issues like relationship post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which is traumatic stress that results from being in an unhealthy or abusive relationship.
How to respond if you’re being love bombed
If you’re being love bombed, there are several important steps to help you prioritize your well-being and heal the emotional abuse.
Acknowledge the problem
When it comes to relationships, it’s always important to trust your gut. If you recognize signs of love bombing, don’t hesitate to acknowledge the abuse and how it’s affecting you. Whether you’re in the idealization, devaluation, or discarding phase, acknowledging the problem is the first step in reclaiming control of your life.
Set and enforce healthy boundaries
Prioritize your safety and well-being by setting boundaries that allow you to distance yourself from the abuser. Love bombers are notorious for disrespecting other people’s boundaries, but creating this distance can help you find space to reflect and heal. Recent research on women who experienced intimate partner violence, including psychological abuse, found that setting boundaries was essential for recovery and growth.
Practice self-care
After experiencing love bombing, it’s important to make time for self-care and reflection. Being manipulated by someone you trust can take a toll on your sense of self, so find ways to nurture your body, mind, and spirit. For example, you could try listening to music, making time for hobbies that bring you joy, or spending time in nature.
Reconnect with your support system
Love bombers tend to cause their partners to isolate themselves from their family and friends. If you’ve noticed yourself growing distant from your support system, make an effort to share your experience with people you trust.
Meet with a mental health professional
Love bombing and other forms of emotional abuse can have a negative effect on your mental and emotional well-being. Working with a therapist can help you regain your sense of self, create healthy boundaries, and build more balanced relationships.
Get immediate help
If you’ve experienced abuse or feel unsafe in your relationship for any reason, know that help is always available. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by dialing 800-799-7233 for confidential support.
Find care with Rula
Love bombing may not be obvious at first, but learning how to recognize the signs of this toxic cycle is the first step in ending the abuse. If you or someone you know is being love bombed, consider making an appointment with a qualified mental health professional.
At Rula, we’re here to make it easier to access mental healthcare so you can prioritize your health, independence, and well-being. Using our simple therapist-matching tool, you can find a therapist who takes your insurance, understands your concerns, and can meet with you as soon as tomorrow.
About the author
Alex Bachert
Alex Bachert is a freelance copywriter and mental health advocate. Since earning her masters degree in public health, she has focused her career on creating informative content that empowers people to prioritize their health and well-being. Alex has partnered with organizations like Ro, WellTheory, and Firsthand, and her work has been recognized by the Digital Health Association. When she’s not writing about mental health, Alex is usually playing pickleball, meeting with her local board of health, or enjoying time with her three kids.
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