Building a healthy long-distance relationship

Those who’ve been in a long-distance relationship know how difficult they can be. Trying to make plans, maintain a sense of closeness, and cultivate intimacy can become all the more complicated when you can’t be together in person. 

Research shows that people in long-distance relationships are more likely to separate than people who live close to one another. Of course, that doesn’t mean all long-distance relationships are doomed to fail. But if you’ve ever asked yourself, “Can a long-distance relationship work?” know that there are things you can do to create a connection that lasts while you’re apart.

Challenges faced by long-distance couples

Being in a long-distance relationship can feel like an emotional roller coaster. On one hand, there are blissful, euphoric moments of reconnection after weeks, months, or even years apart. But being away from your partner for extended periods of time can result in intense emotional distress. Missing someone you love can be a painful experience, resulting in feelings of loneliness, isolation, and despair. In some cases, this can increase the risk of substance use or other unhealthy coping mechanisms.

In addition, long-distance relationships are vulnerable to idealization. For many couples, prolonged separation can extend the “honeymoon period.” People who don’t see each other regularly might be more likely to overlook flaws and see each other in a more positive light. At first, this idealization might make you feel even more drawn to your partner. But, over time, it may lead you to overlook flaws, deal-breakers, or other signs that you might be incompatible in the long run. Realizing that your partner isn’t the person you thought they were can be a heartbreaking experience.

These challenges can be difficult to navigate. But it’s important to remember that all relationships have their ups and downs. While long-distance relationships might require some extra effort, they can also provide incredible benefits. 

For example, being in a long-distance relationship might allow you to maintain a sense of independence and give you more time for yourself. It could also allow you to prioritize your career or education if moving would mean giving up your job or leaving school. And, for some people, relocation just isn’t an option, and that’s OK. In those situations, there are several things you can do to make a long-distance relationship work.

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What makes a long-distance relationship work

Unsurprisingly, many of the skills and habits that help people maintain close-proximity relationships are all the more critical for sustaining a healthy long-distance relationship. These include:

• Communicating consistently: Most people in long-distance relationships expect more frequent communication from partners than from friends and family. Voice or video calls, in particular, can help foster feelings of love, connection, and relationship security.
• Offering reassurance: Partners who don’t see each other every day may need more frequent reassurance. Being intentional about how often you express your love and commitment can help keep your relationship strong. Reassurance can also help ward off feelings of uncertainty and insecurity, which are common stressors in long-distance relationships.
• Being intentional: Research shows that couples who see each other infrequently tend to have less conflict. So there might be some truth to the old saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Being far apart makes it all the more important to appreciate each other and be intentional with the time you spend together.
• Setting shared goals: Having a shared vision for the future can help you feel connected to your partner. It can also help you make shared decisions that align with your goals. For example, perhaps you want to be in a position to cohabitate in the next year or so. This can give you something to work toward together.

Advice for keeping the spark while apart

Long-distance relationships aren’t always easy. But the following tips can help you keep the spark alive while you’re apart. 

• Align on expectations. Whether it’s about the way you communicate (i.e. phone calls, texts, social media, etc.), how often you plan visits, or who pays for travel, it’s important to be on the same page. Aligning expectations can help you avoid unnecessary conflict or disappointment.
• Get creative. When time and schedules allow, brainstorm ideas for creative long-distance dates. Daily calls and texts are great. But sometimes, doing something outside the box can help you feel more connected. For example, you can play an online game together, schedule a “viewing party” to watch a movie together, or cook dinner together on a video call.
• Plan a visit. There are lots of reasons why you might not be able to see each other as often as you’d like to. But having a date on the calendar for your next visit (even if it’s a long time from now) can give you something to look forward to — especially when you’re really missing each other.
• Ask for help. If you’re struggling in your long-distance relationship, know that you don’t need to navigate this experience alone. Therapy can provide an opportunity to strengthen your relationship in a safe space. And, thanks to teletherapy, you don’t need to be in the same location to attend couples counseling together.

Find care with Rula

Long-distance relationships can be challenging. But fortunately, there are ways to feel close to your partner even when you don’t live in the same place. By communicating consistently, offering frequent reassurance, spending quality time together when possible, and creating shared goals, you and your partner can establish a strong foundation for the future. If you’re having a hard time being away from the person you love, know that help is available. A couples therapist can support you both in strengthening your relationship, even when you’re far apart.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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