How loneliness and self-harm fuel each other

Most people have felt lonely at some point in their lives. And while it’s normal to feel lonely sometimes, it’s also possible to feel so lonely that you have the urge to hurt yourself. Research has found that loneliness is a risk factor for nonsuicidal self-injurious behaviors, more commonly known as self-harm. 

If you’re self-harming due to loneliness, the sense of isolation can feel all-consuming. But there are ways to break the cycle of loneliness and self-harm and feel connected again, both to yourself and others.

How can feeling lonely lead to self-harm?

Loneliness and self-harm can get caught in a vicious cycle. People who feel lonely may be more likely to self-harm because of a few different reasons.

One study found that even though living with others usually reduces your overall risk of self-harm, loneliness reduces this protective effect. So,  if you live with someone but feel lonely, you could still be at high risk of self-harm. 

One possible reason for this is that loneliness is such a painful emotional experience. For some people, painful emotions can lead them to self-harm. You might self-harm to try to release these painful feelings or because you’d rather feel physical pain than emotional pain.

Feeling lonely can also mean that you’re lacking social support, but not always. People who are surrounded by loved ones can still feel lonely. If you have supportive people around you, you might feel like you can talk to them before harming yourself. They might also try to discourage you from self-harming. If you’re socially isolated, you might not have those same supports and barriers.

Loneliness can also be linked to other mental health conditions, like depression and social anxiety disorder. Both depression and anxiety can lead you to withdraw from others or feel emotionally disconnected from those in your life. This can cause you to feel more lonely. Although self-harm isn’t a symptom of either of these conditions, it can be linked. People with depression are up to 44 times more likely to engage in self-harm behaviors.

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How self-harm can make loneliness worse

But the vicious cycle means the reverse is also true: Self-harm can also make you feel more lonely. 

Self-harm can be an isolating experience. For many people, it can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, and embarrassment. It’s common for people who self-harm to not want to disclose their self-harm behaviors to people around them. One of the warning signs that someone is self-harming is going to extra lengths to hide their scars. For example, they may wear long sleeves even in hot weather.

This could be because of shame, as well as very real fears due to the stigmatization of self-harming. For example, you might be afraid that you could face judgement from a friend if people find out that you self-harm. Because of these fears, many people who self-harm avoid social situations or making and maintaining friendships. 

But when you’re going through something so painful and intense, and you can’t talk to anyone about it, it can make you feel even lonelier than you already felt. These feelings of loneliness could trigger even more self-harm, which could then lead to deeper loneliness, and so on — a vicious cycle.

Breaking the cycle of loneliness and self-harm

But it’s possible to break that cycle. Through a combination of social support, behavior changes, and professional mental health treatment, you can feel less lonely, break out of self-harm, and learn how to treat yourself more kindly.

Take steps to combat loneliness

First, try to directly address feelings of loneliness and build stronger, more supportive relationships. When you’re in the depths of loneliness, it can feel like nothing will ever change the way you feel. But there are many effective ways to combat loneliness. 

For example, spend some time with animals by walking dogs or volunteering at a shelter. Engage in hobbies and interests. Strengthen your existing relationships. Try to maintain regular mindfulness and practice gratitude, which may help you feel existing connections where you previously couldn’t.

Tell someone

If you’re thinking about self-harming, tell someone you trust. Try to choose someone who you feel won’t judge you for self-harming but also won’t enable or encourage you. Self-harm can inherently come with feelings of shame, but there’s nothing wrong with you, and self-harm isn’t a sign of weakness. You deserve support.

If you don’t feel like you can trust anyone in your life, you can try reaching out to a trained listener at a hotline. For example, you can text the Crisis Text Line to connect with a volunteer crisis counselor who’s there to listen and support you.

Understand your triggers

Knowing what triggers you to feel lonely and want to self-harm can be helpful in breaking the cycle. What happened to trigger these intense emotions? Did something happen in your relationships? Have you met your physical needs, like enough sleep and nourishing meals?

When you know what makes you more vulnerable to feeling lonely, you may be able to avoid those triggers — or make a plan to cope with them — when they come up in the future.

Engage alternative coping behaviors

Some people also find alternative coping strategies helpful when they have the urge to self-harm. Any activity that can distract you, without hurting you, can be effective. 

Examples that have worked for people include:

• Hold ice cubes in your hands
• Eat a slice of lemon
• Tear up a piece of paper or cloth
• Throw ice cubes in the bathtub to shatter them
• Listen to music really loud
• Dance
• Bang pots and pans
• Rub an essential oil, like peppermint oil, under your nose
• Take a hot shower or bath

Using these alternative coping skills may not be an effective long-term solution, but it can help divert your attention away from your self-harm urges in the moment.

Get mental health treatment

Lastly, getting the support of a therapist can help you combat feelings of loneliness and urges to self-harm. Mental health treatment has been found to be effective for reducing these painful feelings and helping you feel more connected — both to yourself and others.

Some therapy methods that may help for loneliness and self-harm include:

• Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT): DBT was originally developed to help people with self-harm and suicidal thoughts and teaches skills like distress tolerance and emotional regulation. It can help you manage intense emotions like loneliness and reduce self-destructive behaviors, while also improving your ability to build meaningful connections.
• Group therapy: In a group setting, you can connect with others who understand your struggles, which can help combat loneliness. Many group therapy programs also focus on learning coping strategies, like managing emotions in healthy ways.
• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT helps you identify and change unhelpful thought patterns that might be contributing to loneliness or self-harm. It focuses on developing healthier coping skills and reframing negative beliefs about yourself and your relationships.
• Mindfulness-based therapies: These therapies help you practice staying present in the moment and accepting emotions without judgment. Practicing mindfulness can help reduce stress and strengthen your relationships.

Find care with Rula

Loneliness is painful to experience, and it doesn’t discriminate. Sometimes, loneliness may feel so painful that it leads you to seek relief through self-harm. Unfortunately, loneliness and self-harm can get locked in a vicious cycle — but with the support of a therapist, it’s possible to break out.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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