How to overcome loneliness after a breakup

Breakups can be one of the most painful experiences a person can face. It’s not just about losing the person you love — it involves so many other losses, including the loss of shared dreams, your imagined future, and maybe even your identity.

It’s completely understandable and normal to feel lonely after a breakup, regardless of what caused it. Even if you’re 100% sure it was the right decision for you, and even if you have many other friends, you may experience loneliness. 

If you’re feeling lonely after a breakup, here are six research-backed tips to help you overcome the intense loneliness that can come after a breakup and move forward with self-compassion.

1. Understand the stages of grief

It may not be the first thing on your mind when you’re going through a breakup and feeling lonely, but it can be very helpful to understand the processes that lie behind your emotions. A breakup is a life event that can cause an immense amount of grief. Your former partner may not have died, but they’re suddenly absent from your life, which is a valid reason to grieve.

It may be helpful to learn about some of the possible stages of grief. According to Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’ famous model, the stages of grief include:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

The loneliness you’re feeling could fall under the depression stage of grief. It’s also important to understand that these stages aren’t linear, so you might find yourself feeling angry with your ex and missing them at the same time. Or you might have thought you’d accepted the breakup only to find yourself feeling lonely during certain times of the year, like the holidays.

These are all normal emotional reactions, and reading about the stages of grief may help you understand and refrain from judging yourself for feeling this way. Regardless of what led to your breakup, and even if you initiated it and believe that it was the best decision for you, it’s natural to feel lonely after losing someone so important in your life.

2. Try to accept your feelings

Research has shown that acceptance-based therapies, like acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), are helpful for reducing feelings of loneliness after divorce. While receiving ACT with a licensed therapist is a great option, you can also borrow some of its principles and strategies to use on your own.

For example, one of the main principles of ACT is to attempt to accept emotions — even painful ones — instead of pushing them away or ignoring them. Mindfulness training can help you with this. Try to spend at least a few minutes every day sitting in mindfulness meditation. The benefits of this practice may also show up in other parts of your life, allowing you to become more aware and accepting of your emotions.

3. Learn emotional literacy

Emotional literacy simply means learning how to recognize and manage your own emotions. One study found that going through emotional literacy training helped participants feel less lonely after being betrayed.

You don’t necessarily need to participate in an emotional literacy training program to improve this skill. ACT principles and mindfulness can also help you be more aware of painful emotions when they arise. When you feel these emotions, try putting names to them. For example, instead of just “sadness” or “pain,” try to be more specific. Is it loneliness mixed with anger, resentment, or fear?

On top of recognizing your emotions, learn healthy ways to express them. This will be unique to each person and situation. For example, maybe going for a run helps you feel calmer and more connected to the world. Or perhaps you need to see a good friend to talk about what’s going on.

Emotional literacy can also help you co-parent or maintain a healthy relationship with your ex if that’s something you hope for.

4. Seek social support

Research has found that having strong social connections can help you adjust more positively after a breakup. If you already have a strong social support system, make efforts to connect with them. It’s completely understandable if you’re not in the mood to attend parties or spend time with “couple friends” during this difficult time. But even a phone call or one-on-one coffee date with a colleague or friend can help you feel more supported and less alone. This may involve you initiating the type of social contact that feels good to you during this time.

Many people also find new sources of social support through groups geared toward people going through the same thing. Post-breakup or divorce support groups — which you can usually find online or in your local area — can help you connect with others who understand your experiences.

5. Avoid maladaptive coping

Maladaptive coping refers to anything you might do to deal with post-breakup loneliness that feels helpful temporarily but makes things worse in the long run, like using substances to cope.

Rebound relationships are considered a maladaptive coping strategy by some. Research shows that men are more likely than women to engage in rebound relationships after a breakup to seek the social support they’ve lost. 

While some rebound relationships might be unhealthy, they can also serve as a source of comfort and support if both partners are on the same page. Just make sure you’re not using a rebound relationship to avoid feeling or accepting some of the more painful emotions, like loneliness, that have come from your breakup.

6. Work with a therapist

Therapy can be a powerful tool for working through the loneliness that often comes after a breakup. A therapist can help you navigate complex emotions, build healthier coping strategies, and process grief in a safe and supportive environment.

A licensed therapist is trained to help you explore and better understand the layers of emotions you’re experiencing, like sadness, anger, or guilt. They can guide you through the process of making sense of these feelings and finding ways to address them that feel empowering and constructive. For example, if you find yourself stuck in the anger or depression stages of grief, a therapist can help you work toward acceptance in a compassionate way that feels manageable for you.

Therapists can also provide structure and accountability when it comes to developing new coping skills. Whether it’s practicing mindfulness, building emotional literacy, or finding healthier ways to express difficult emotions, therapy offers you a space to try out these tools without judgment. Over time, this can help you not only feel less lonely but also feel more confident in your ability to move forward and create a fulfilling life.

Find care with Rula

Post-breakup loneliness is normal, but that doesn’t make it any less painful. It may take time to process this grief, find new sources of social connection, and move forward with your life. A therapist can help you learn how to recognize, accept, and express painful emotions after your breakup and teach you new skills to cope.

Rula has helped hundreds of thousands of patients find affordable, quality, in-network therapy. And with our network of over 10,000 providers, you can meet with someone via live video as soon as tomorrow.

Find a therapist with Rula