Therapist-approved strategies for building emotional intelligence

The term “emotional intelligence” refers to a person’s ability to recognize, name, and understand emotions in themselves and others. Research suggests that there are five domains of emotional intelligence. These include self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills.

Emotionally intelligent people can identify what they’re feeling and where their feelings are coming from. They can also recognize how their emotions shape their behavior and how their behavior might impact other people. These insights can help improve communication, foster empathy, and encourage healthy problem solving and conflict resolution.

If you’ve ever wondered how to improve your emotional intelligence, check out the strategies below. With a little time, patience, and practice, you can deepen your understanding of yourself, strengthen your relationships, and manage your emotions with greater ease.

1. Take a pause

Sometimes, when strong emotions, like anger, bubble to the surface, it can be tempting to react without thinking. Everyone does this once in a while, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with having intense feelings. However, too much reactivity can lead to unwanted consequences.

So, the next time you feel a strong emotion beginning to build, pause, count to 10, and try to name the feeling. See if you can identify where the emotion is coming from and offer yourself some compassion. These small steps can help you attune to your emotions and make a more informed decision about how to react.

2. Increase your self-awareness

Making an effort to understand yourself better is an important step in becoming a more emotionally intelligent person. For example, what are your strengths and weaknesses? What brings you joy? Where do you tend to excel, and when might you need to ask for help? What people, places, or experiences might trigger a strong emotional reaction? When you can recognize why you’re feeling something, it can be much easier to manage your emotions.

3. Observe nonverbal communication

Communication is so much more than the words we use. It involves tone, facial expressions, and body language, and these can vary among people and cultures. You can become a more skilled listener by paying attention to nonverbal cues from others. Then, you can try using them to express yourself more clearly and reinforce your message.

4. Give your full attention

Giving someone your full attention demonstrates respect and consideration — especially during important conversations. This form of emotional intelligence lets the other person know that you care about what they have to say and that you’re ready to listen.

You can do this by tuning out distractions, using clear and concise phrases to reflect what you’ve heard, and asking for clarification if you don’t understand something. You can also use eye contact, nod your head, and use hand gestures if appropriate.

5. Pay attention to patterns

Give yourself some quiet time to reflect on the past week or month. Write down anything you can recall about times when you had a strong reaction to something, a conflict with someone, or difficulty regulating your thoughts, feelings, or behaviors.

Try to think of yourself as a neutral investigator, and resist the urge to pass judgment on yourself. Then, see if you can identify any common threads among those situations. These insights can help you identify your triggers and know when you might need to take a break or seek some additional support.

6. Ask for feedback

Emotional intelligence isn’t developed in a vacuum. So, when you set out to work on this skill, be sure to seek feedback from people you trust in different settings.

For example, ask a boss, friend, partner, or colleague for their opinion on how you receive constructive criticism, your ability to navigate disagreements, how flexible you are when it comes to change, etc. Their responses might not always be easy to hear. But knowing your weaknesses is an important part of overcoming them.

7. Seek professional help

If you want to deepen your emotional intelligence, working with a mental health professional can help. Therapists help their clients understand what’s driving their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Together, you can create a plan for positive change. Therapy can also help you improve your self-compassion, increase your capacity for empathy, and learn to manage uncomfortable emotions in healthy ways.

Clinican's take

Some people naturally develop emotional intelligence because they grew up in environments where emotions were named, validated, and talked about openly. But if that wasn’t your experience, it’s OK. Emotional intelligence is a skill you can absolutely build with time and support.

Brandy Chalmers, LPC

Clinical reviewer

Find care with Rula

Emotional intelligence is a critical component of healthy relationships and overall well-being. It allows us to recognize and manage our emotions and respond thoughtfully to the emotions of others. Emotionally intelligent people tend to be better communicators, listeners, problem solvers, and empathizers.

Fortunately, emotional intelligence is a skill that everyone can work to improve. With the right support, you can learn to identify and manage your emotions, communicate more effectively, and develop more meaningful connections with others.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.