How to stop being codependent

Relationship issues are a common reason people start therapy. Therapy can be an effective tool for overcoming infidelity, navigating major life changes with your partner, or understanding how to support a partner with a mental health condition like anxiety or depression.

Working with a therapist can also help people identify any behavior patterns that may be harming their relationships and overall well-being. One example is codependency, a learned behavior characterized by excessive caretaking of others, people-pleasing behaviors, and a lack of healthy boundaries.

What is codependent behavior?

Codependency refers to a pattern of behaviors that impact a person’s ability to maintain a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. The term was originally used to describe relationships involving substance use and addiction but now refers to relationships with an imbalance of power. This could include romantic couples, parents and children, and relationships in the workplace.

In a codependent relationship, one person often sacrifices their own well-being, desires, and goals to take care of the other person. Codependent people do whatever they can to sustain the relationship and often rely on the other person for their identity and self-esteem.

Other common characteristics of codependency include:

• An excessive sense of responsibility for others

• An extreme need for approval or recognition

• Lack of trust in themselves or others

• Trouble making decisions

• Trouble identifying their feelings

• Trouble setting healthy boundaries

People who experience a long-term pattern of codependent behaviors and relationships may be diagnosed with dependent personality disorder. This is something that can be targeted in therapy. It also often occurs alongside other mental health conditions.

Dig deeper:

• The connection between eating disorders and codependency

What does codependency look like?

When left unaddressed, codependency can take a toll on people’s well-being, relationships, and overall quality of life. People experiencing codependency often crave approval and fear rejection, which may cause them to stay in abusive, unhealthy, or unfilling relationships. They also tend to associate their self-worth with their ability to care for others, putting them at risk for low self-esteem, a lack of personal boundaries, and feelings of guilt and anxiety.

Codependency isn’t always easy to recognize, but knowing the signs and symptoms can help you break the cycle and build healthier relationships. Here are some additional questions to help you identify patterns of codependency in your own life:

• Do you stay quiet to avoid disagreements?

• Do you have trouble asking for help?

• Do you have trouble saying “no” when others ask for your help?

• Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?

• Do you feel uncomfortable expressing your genuine feelings to others?

• Do you feel like a bad person when you make a mistake?

• Do you often feel inadequate?

• Is it hard for you to set boundaries with people?

What causes codependency?

Codependency often stems from a person’s family dynamic during childhood. When someone was raised in an environment involving frequent fear, shame, or anger, they may feel like expressing their emotions is not safe. As a result, they don’t learn how to express their needs.

Other factors that can contribute to codependency include:

• Experiencing abuse or neglect as a child

• Being raised in an environment with excessive control, criticism, and perfectionism

• Playing the role of the caregiver at a young age, especially when caring for parents with substance use issues

• Having a close family member with a chronic health condition

Five strategies for overcoming codependency

Overcoming codependency requires self-awareness and a commitment to personal growth. Here are five tips to help you break harmful relationship patterns and work toward healthier relationships with yourself and others.

1. Acknowledge the problem. Overcoming codependency begins with awareness and recognizing harmful behaviors. If you suspect that you have codependent habits, consider journaling to better understand your thoughts, feelings, triggers, and behavior patterns.

2. Set clear boundaries. Setting healthy boundaries is an important step in ending codependency. By identifying and communicating your goals and desires, you can help ensure that your needs are met. This may include asking for more personal space or not being expected to solve other people’s problems. Practice emotional regulation skills when setting boundaries causes you discomfort.

3. Improve your communication skills. Honest and respectful communication is key to any healthy relationship. This means learning how to share your genuine thoughts and feelings while listening without interruptions as your partner does the same. When both people have a chance to validate their feelings, it allows for healthier interactions and a more balanced relationship.

4. Focus on you. Codependency can create an unhealthy dependence on relationships with other people. As part of the healing process, make an effort to focus on your own personal growth and sense of accomplishment. Set personal and professional goals, engage in new hobbies, and discover what brings you joy each day.

5. Seek mental health support. Many people with codependency benefit from working with a mental health professional. Whether it’s through individual therapy or couples therapy, therapists are trained to help people uncover the root causes of their codependency, discover new coping methods for difficult emotions, and develop healthier relationship habits.