How to respond to gaslighting safely and effectively

Two people can recall the same event very differently, even if it happens while they’re standing next to one another. This is because we all view the world through a unique lens based on our background and lived experiences. Differences in perspectives are a normal part of most relationships. However, persistent confusion and disagreement about what did or didn’t happen could be a sign of an unhealthy dynamic. 

The term “gaslighting” describes a scenario where one person purposely confuses or undermines another person to gain control. This harmful and abusive tactic results in an erosion of self-trust and self-esteem. But fortunately, there are things you can do to safely respond to gaslighting. And it starts with learning to recognize the behavior.

What is gaslighting?

The term “gaslighting” has its roots in cinema. It comes from an old film called “Gas Light,” in which a husband dims the gas lights in the home he shares with his wife without her knowledge. When she questions him about the low light, he denies that anything has changed. This causes her to question her grip on reality. But the audience, aware of the husband’s actions, sees the tactic for what it is — a means of mental and emotional manipulation.

Today, we understand gaslighting as a form of emotional abuse that causes victims to question their feelings, instincts, experiences, and sanity. It can happen subtly, slowly weakening a person’s ability to trust themselves. 

Over time, gaslighting can lead to:

• Anxiety
• Isolation from friends and loved ones
• Depression
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Trouble trusting others
• Reduced self-confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem
• Confusion 
• Codependency in relationships
• Feeling hopeless
• Self-blame
• Less autonomy and independence

Examples of gaslighting

Gaslighting is often thought of as something that happens in intimate partnerships. While this is sometimes the case, gaslighting can take many forms. 

The following examples illustrate how gaslighting can unfold in different settings:

• In personal relationships: Your partner always questions your memory of events. Today, you ask them why they took your work computer. They respond with: “You told me I could borrow your computer last night for this project. Is your memory that bad, or are you just lying to my face?” You have no recollection of this conversation.

• In the workplace: You schedule your annual meeting with your boss to talk about your performance. After sending an email requesting their availability, they storm out of their office and berate you in front of your team, saying, “Here you are again coming up with another attempt to get a raise you don’t deserve.”  You schedule this meeting at the same time every year, and everyone else in your department does the same thing.

• On social media: A well-known celebrity you follow on Instagram posts some photos, and their overall appearance has changed drastically. People in the comments begin questioning whether the person has used a filter or plastic surgery to achieve the effect. The celebrity denies both accusations, responding with “you all don’t know what you’re talking about, check your eyes, I’m just well rested.”

Four ways to respond to gaslighting

While you can’t prevent someone from engaging in gaslighting, there are things you can do to protect yourself.

1. Keep records. If someone is constantly questioning your version of reality, take some time to write down what you recall about conversations and events. You can even screenshot texts or take photos if it’s helpful. These records can help you stay grounded in the truth of your experiences. Be sure to keep this information in a safe, private place.
2. Set clear boundaries. If you begin to notice a pattern of gaslighting, tell the gaslighter what you will and will not tolerate. For example, if it feels safe to do so, confront the behavior directly. Let the person know that you won’t continue to participate in conversations that undermine or belittle you.
3. Seek external validation. Often, gaslighting happens when there aren’t any witnesses nearby. It can seem subtle and barely detectable to the outside observer. But you don’t need to have proof of the gaslighting to seek validation from friends or loved ones. If you’re being gaslit, talk to people you trust about what’s happening.  
4. Limit contact. If you have to interact with someone who is prone to gaslighting, do your best to avoid them as much as you can. But if the gaslighting is persistent and severe, it could be a sign of narcissistic abuse. In this case, you may need to limit contact with the gaslighter and create a plan to keep yourself safe. 

How to recover from gaslighting

Gaslighting can take a toll on your mental health and overall well-being. But know that there are steps you can take to heal and repair your ability to trust yourself.

• Make time for activities that help you feel strong and capable. Whether it’s taking an art class, training for a 5K, or playing an instrument, do something that empowers you and nurtures your self-esteem.
• Write in a journal. Putting your recollections on paper, including seemingly minor details of the day, can help foster self-trust. A journal can act as a record of the truth of your thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
• Practice mindfulness. Research shows that mindfulness and meditation can improve resilience against adversity. A simple breathing exercise can help you remain calm and present in the face of gaslighting.
• Consider therapy or counseling. Talking to a therapist, either in person or online, can help you process your experience with gaslighting and increase your self-confidence.

Find care with Rula

Experiencing gaslighting can erode your self-esteem and ability to trust yourself. So if this has happened to you, it can help to explore your experiences in a safe, confidential setting. A therapist can help you manage uncomfortable emotions and develop new coping strategies. And if gaslighting has been present in your intimate relationship, working with a couples therapist can help you heal from past hurt and create a healthier dynamic. 

At Rula, we’re committed to making it easier to find effective, in-network therapists you can meet with from the comfort of home. When you need support, you can use our therapist-matching program to find a provider who meets your needs and schedule your first appointment as early as this week.

Find a therapist with Rula