How to live with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a serious mental health condition that can make it difficult to have healthy relationships. People living with NPD are often hostile, domineering, and controlling. They may frequently belittle others, manipulate people for their own gain, and struggle to demonstrate empathy. 

Understandably, these traits can make it hard to live with someone who has NPD. And if your loved one has this condition, it’s important to know that you cannot change their behavior. However, there are some things you can do to set boundaries and safeguard your mental health against the effects of narcissism.

What are the signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder?

The term “narcissism” has been popularized lately. However, there’s a difference between someone who has NPD and a person who sometimes displays narcissistic traits. Someone who displays occasional narcissistic traits might feel like they’re more important than others. But people living with NPD will also show many of the following signs and symptoms:

• Inflated sense of self-worth
• Needing frequent praise and admiration
• Feeling like they are owed special treatment, favors, or privileges
• Bragging about achievements in an effort to feel important 
• Fantasizing about gaining more power, wealth, beauty, control, etc.
• Believing that only similarly special or superior people can understand how great they are
• Criticizing or looking down on people who they feel are beneath them
• Taking advantage of others for their own benefit
• Showing no concern for the feelings, wants, or needs of others
• Coming across as conceited or arrogant
• Being envious of others or convinced that others are out to get them
• Reacting quickly with anger to seemingly small triggers

On the surface, people with NPD may appear to have an inflated ego and sense of superiority. But their behavior often conceals deep-seated shame and insecurity. Many people with NPD are terrified of coming across as anything less than perfect. So they are often unable to receive constructive feedback without reacting negatively. They also may experience depression or anger issues and have trouble managing their emotions. 

These symptoms can make it incredibly difficult for people with NPD to form and maintain healthy relationships, including with people they live with.

What are the challenges of living with someone who has NPD?

Untreated NPD can make it difficult for people to relate to others and show empathy. Many people with this condition don’t automatically consider how their words or actions may affect others. Their behavior is often driven by their belief in their own brilliance and superiority. 

Living with someone with NPD can take a toll on your mental health and overall well-being. You may often feel like you’re walking on eggshells, afraid to do or say something that could set the person off. You may find yourself avoiding the person for fear of being belittled or insulted. Your interactions may feel unpredictable, preventing you from relaxing and being yourself. You might be routinely blamed for inconveniences around the home. Or your self-esteem might break down if you’re often told you can’t do anything right.

Without understanding how NPD can shape a person’s thoughts and behaviors, you might even blame yourself for their behavior. But know that another person’s narcissistic behavior is never your fault, and living with NPD or any mental health condition does not excuse abuse.

Tips for sharing a home with someone who has NPD

If you share a home with someone with NPD and their behavior is negatively affecting you, know that there are some steps you can take to protect your mental health and foster a healthier dynamic. 

1. Remain calm and composed. This can be hard to do when your feelings are hurt or you’re upset. People with NPD often seek big reactions, as it fuels their sense of power and control. By not reacting to their attempts to engage you, the negative interaction will likely be shorter and less severe. Staying calm can help you remain focused on your desired outcome and uphold your boundaries.
2. Focus on positive reinforcement.  If you notice your partner or loved one doing something kind or considerate, let them know. Tell them how much you appreciate their consideration and thoughtfulness.
3. Manage expectations and emotional responses. Learning more about NPD can help you set reasonable expectations for your loved one’s behavior. This doesn’t mean you should accept being treated poorly. But it can help you understand the underlying reasons that it may be difficult for your loved one to demonstrate desired behaviors.
4. Use clear and direct language. Speaking calmly and clearly, communicate your needs to your loved one. Be specific and concise when possible.
5. Set boundaries. Let your loved one know what you will or will not tolerate and what will happen if they continue to violate your boundaries. For example, you might say something like “When you raise your voice at me, I’m going to walk out of the room and take some space. I can continue the conversation when you lower your voice and speak respectfully.”
6. Avoid confrontation and criticism. Arguments and criticism can often make things worse. So if tempers begin to flare and it seems like things are escalating, it’s likely a good time to walk away. Having a plan for what you will do in these situations can be helpful when emotions run high.

How to help a person living with narcissism

If someone you care about has NPD or shows narcissistic tendencies, you may wish you could do something to help them. You may see how their condition negatively affects their life and causes pain for the people around them. While you can encourage them to seek therapy, remember the only behavior you can control is your own. It’s ultimately up to them to take responsibility for their well-being. 

It’s also critical for you to prioritize self-care, set healthy boundaries, and protect your own mental health. But know that if and when your friend, loved one, partner, or spouse decides to seek treatment, there is support available for people living with NPD. And remember, it is a perfectly reasonable choice to decide to end a cohabiting relationship with someone who has NPD. 

Find care with Rula

NPD is a mental health condition that causes an exaggerated sense of importance and pervasive feelings of superiority. It also makes it difficult for people to demonstrate empathy and consider how their actions affect others. These symptoms can make it hard to live with someone who has untreated NPD. And while it can be challenging to treat, help is available for people living with NPD. 

With Rula’s therapist-matching program, you can quickly find a therapist who accepts your insurance and has expertise in your specific needs. And, our network of over 10,000 therapists means you can be seen as soon as this week. 

Get started with Rula today