Why and how to forgive someone who hurt you

Most of us know what it’s like to be wronged by someone. In the aftermath, it can be tempting to hold a grudge, especially when we’re deeply hurt. But carrying those negative feelings around can damage your physical and emotional health. On the surface, the solution seems simple: Forgive the person, and move on. In reality, though, that can be very difficult to do. 

You may worry that forgiveness will mean accepting an injustice or excusing harmful behavior. But that isn’t the case. True forgiveness doesn’t mean being OK with what happened, and it doesn’t hinge on the person admitting they were wrong. By forgiving others, you can free yourself from the emotional burden of anger and pain.

What does it mean to forgive someone?

Forgiveness is the release of resentment against someone who has hurt or offended you. While it might seem like a charitable gesture toward the person who wronged you, forgiveness has been shown to provide many psychological benefits to the forgiver, including:

• Decreased anger
• Reduced anxiety and depression 
• Enhanced self-esteem 
• More hope for the future 

Forgiving isn’t the same as forgetting or tolerating. It’s a deeper process that requires a total release of any ill will or anger toward the aggressor. For example, imagine catching your neighbor attempting to take your child’s bike from your yard. From that point forward, you could avoid eye contact with that neighbor, install a lock on the gate to make your yard more secure, and try not to let your anger and resentment take hold. 

While those steps might help you manage the situation in the short term, they’re not the same as forgiveness. Forgiving your neighbor would mean releasing any resentment you hold toward them, whether they apologize and express remorse or not. It may also include talking to them about what happened.

Tips for forgiving someone who hurt you

The way you achieve forgiveness can change based on the situation at hand. For example, the steps involved in forgiving someone you love versus someone you will have no future contact with may differ. 

Experts say that all forgiveness can be divided into two essential parts: decisional and emotional. 

Decisional forgiveness is the “easy” part. It’s the mental process of deciding that you don’t wish the aggressor any harm. Emotional forgiveness usually takes a little more time. It’s the deeper process of fully letting go of hostility and no longer dwelling on the wrongdoing. You’ve achieved emotional forgiveness when something that reminds you of the incident no longer causes anger or other uncomfortable emotions.

Here are some steps to help you achieve both decisional and emotional forgiveness in different dynamics:

How to forgive someone who keeps hurting you

If someone shows a pattern of hurtful behavior and it doesn’t seem like anything is going to change, you’ll need to set boundaries to prevent further harm. Remember, forgiveness is an internal process. You don’t have to tolerate abuse to forgive someone, and you don’t need to talk to someone to forgive them. 

If someone keeps hurting you, you may need to avoid unnecessary contact to keep yourself safe. After maintaining some distance, you can begin taking steps to release resentment. This might include working on self-acceptance, letting go of blame, and recognizing that the person’s behavior was not a reflection of you or your worth. 

How to forgive someone you love

When you love someone, you can usually acknowledge both their positive and negative qualities, even if they’ve hurt you. But trust, once broken, can be difficult to repair. Forgiveness can be an important part of the healing process. However, it requires intentional communication and consistent effort to repair the harm. 

To move forward and forgive someone you love, have patience with yourself and the other person. Know that this process might take some time.  It might be helpful to acknowledge your hurt out loud and try to put the person’s behavior in context (which is not the same as making excuses). Consider how forgiveness will benefit you, the other person, and the relationship.

How to forgive someone when it feels impossible

If someone has wronged you in a serious way, causing harm that cannot be repaired, forgiveness can be very difficult. In these instances, it’s important to focus on how forgiveness might benefit you (not the other person). Forgiveness can free you of the burden of negative emotions and help you reclaim your energy. 

When forgiveness seems difficult, consider using the REACH method:

• Recall: Visualize the wrongdoing in detail, and acknowledge whatever feelings surface. Let yourself experience any emotions that come up.
• Empathize: Try to understand the person’s motives or situation. This doesn’t mean excusing their behavior or the harm they caused. But it may help you better understand them.
• Altruistic gift: Recall a time when someone forgave you. Reflecting on your own imperfections and what it was like to receive forgiveness may make it easier to forgive someone else.
• Commit: Make the forgiveness “real” by committing to it. You might want to write it down or write a letter of forgiveness you don’t have to actually send.
• Hold: If the hurt was significant, it’s likely that you’ll be reminded of it from time to time. Something or someone might bring up memories that could make your anger resurface. In these challenging moments, hold to your commitment to forgive the person.

Why is it so hard to forgive someone who hurt you?

When someone hurts you, it can leave lasting emotional wounds. Betrayal, especially from someone you love and trust, can get in the way of your ability to trust others. In response to these experiences, you’ll naturally want to protect yourself. 

Our brains are hardwired to help us avoid being hurt, and holding a grudge can feel like protective armor against future harm. But the truth is, that emotional armor can be heavy and difficult to carry. Through forgiveness, you can lighten your emotional load, free yourself of anger and resentment, and repair your relationships if you choose to. 

Find care with Rula

Holding a grudge can take a toll on your mental health. So if you’re struggling to forgive someone and it’s negatively impacting your well-being, know that help is available. By working with a therapist, you can process your emotions, release resentment, and reclaim your energy. 

To find a therapist who takes your insurance, check out Rula’s therapist-matching program. In just a few clicks, you can find the right provider for your needs and schedule your first appointment as soon as tomorrow. And, our online platform means you can get care from the comfort of your own home. 

Find a therapist with Rula