How to deal with holiday guilt

The holidays are often celebrated as a season of joy, togetherness, and meaningful traditions. Yet for many, the holidays can also bring mixed emotions. Whether it’s trying to meet sky-high expectations or dealing with family conflict, you may associate this time of year with feeling guilty. 

You might experience guilt if you aren’t spending time with family or are struggling to afford expensive gifts. While these feelings are natural, they don’t have to define your holidays. Setting realistic expectations, respecting your limits, and seeking support from a trained therapist can all help you manage feelings of guilt during the holiday season.

Where does holiday guilt stem from?

Guilt during the holiday season can be caused by many factors, including:

• Unrealistic expectations: The idea of a “perfect holiday” is a myth promoted by social media, movies, and ads. Trying to achieve perfection can often lead to stress and guilt. Instead of chasing perfection, focus on setting realistic goals and creating a holiday season that feels meaningful to you.
• Financial strain: It’s natural to feel guilty if you can’t buy gifts for everyone on your list or afford the items you know your loved ones want. Rather than overspending, shift your focus to nonmaterial gifts and memorable experiences. You might set a price limit on gift exchanges or offer the gift of your time, like babysitting for a friend or cooking a family member their favorite meal.
• Family dynamics: You may feel guilty if the thought of family drama or uncomfortable conversations around the dinner table make you want to avoid holiday gatherings. Taking a break from family gatherings doesn’t mean you don’t love your relatives, it means you’re prioritizing self-care. If you decide to attend, remember that while you can’t control the behaviors of others, you can control how you react and respond.
• Grief and loss: The holidays can bring feelings of sadness and guilt — especially after the loss of a loved one, job, or relationship. You might feel guilty if you’re not in the mood to celebrate, are experiencing regrets, or you blame yourself for what happened. Addressing guilt rooted in regret starts with acknowledging your feelings, practicing self-forgiveness, and learning to accept the things you can’t change.
• Food and drink temptations: Indulging in that second piece of pecan pie or enjoying many holiday treats or drinks can sometimes leave us feeling guilty and ashamed. These feelings of food guilt are often rooted in fear of weight gain, disordered eating habits, or a fear of judgment from others. Instead of letting guilt take over, remember the holiday season only happens once a year and indulging mindfully and in moderation won’t derail your healthy habits.
• Pre-existing mental health conditions: The holidays can be especially challenging for those with major depressive disorder (MDD), also known as clinical depression, and seasonal affective disorder (SAD), a subtype of MDD that typically emerges in late fall and can last until early spring. Both conditions are often accompanied by feelings of guilt, which can become even more intense over the holidays.

Five healthy ways to manage holiday guilt 

You might wonder why you don’t feel as joyful as other people during this time of year. It’s important to acknowledge how you feel, find ways to manage negative emotions, and reach out for help if needed.

Here are some additional tips for navigating holiday guilt effectively:

1. Give yourself permission to say no: Guilt often comes from a fear of disappointing others or a desire to avoid conflict. During the holiday season, you may feel obligated to accept every party invitation, but it’s perfectly fine to say no and prioritize what truly matters to you. According to the American Psychological Association, 77% of people have accepted invites to holiday gatherings just to avoid the consequences of declining. Yet the actual fallout of saying no is often far less significant than we imagine.
2. Set healthy boundaries: By setting clear boundaries for yourself, you can reduce stress, prioritize self-care, and even strengthen relationships. It’s also important to establish consequences for your boundaries. For example, if you tell your family in advance that you don’t want to discuss politics and they bring it up anyway, calmly step away from the conversation. 
3. Simplify and reimagine traditions: If your holiday to-do list feels overwhelming and leaves you feeling guilty about keeping up with it all, consider ways to simplify. Instead of meeting friends for an expensive dinner, why not volunteer together at a local soup kitchen? If hosting and cooking a big family dinner feels like too much, ask each guest to bring a dish to share.
4. Plan accordingly: Not being able to visit your family home or spend quality time with every friend and loved one during the holidays can lead to feelings of guilt. If you can’t meet in person, consider video calls or making plans to meet after the holidays when it’s less hectic. 
5. Talk about your feelings: Bottling up your emotions prevents you from meeting your own needs and setting boundaries. Over time, suppressing and not accepting your emotions can lead to physical symptoms like migraines and also increase your risk of depression. Working through these feelings with a therapist can be an important step toward feeling better. 

Find care with Rula

If holiday guilt has you feeling overwhelmed or emotionally drained, you aren’t alone.  Whether it’s the pressure to uphold long-standing traditions or the challenge of navigating unresolved family conflict, talking with a therapist can help you understand and manage holiday guilt in a healthy, constructive way.

Rula connects you with a network of over 10,000 + therapists who are ready to help you prioritize your mental health. With just a few clicks, you can find a provider who accepts your insurance and can meet with you via live video as soon as tomorrow. 

Find a therapist with Rula