How to help a loved one with substance use disorder

Nearly 50 million people live with substance use disorder in the U.S. Having a loved one with substance use disorder can be painful and complex. You might experience emotions like fear, worry, and sadness but also frustration. Some people experience guilt or feel overly responsible — especially if it’s their child who lives with substance use disorder.

Your support may be critical as your loved one navigates this condition. It’s important to prioritize your own mental health and remember that the decision to seek support is ultimately up to them. Here are some things to keep in mind when trying to help a loved one with substance use disorder.

Approach with empathy

When witnessing a loved one navigate substance use disorder, it’s completely natural to experience emotions like resentment, frustration, or anger. But when approaching your loved one with your concerns, it’s most effective to put these emotions to the side.

With these types of conversations, try to lead with empathy and not blame. Be careful of the language you use. Avoid any negative labels like “alcoholic” or “addict.” Try not to attack your loved one for living with substance use disorder and instead express your concern for their well-being. Let them know that you’re here to support them and want to see them get healthier. 

Attacking, blaming, or labeling your loved one will likely only make them feel more defensive and reluctant to accept help. If it’s hard for you to manage your feelings like anger and you’re worried you might lash out, it may be best for someone else to approach your loved one who can talk to them more neutrally. Getting yourself support with therapy can also help you with the range of emotions and thoughts that arise. 

Learn about substance use disorder

It can be very helpful, for you and your loved one, to learn more about the facts of substance use disorder. Rather than a product of individual flaws, substance use disorder is a chronic health condition that requires treatment. Many experts define it as a brain disease that can have similar consequences to conditions like heart disease. 

Learning about the science of how substance use disorder affects the brain can provide some insight into some of your loved one’s behaviors, like continuing to use even when their reliance on substances causes significant problems. Equipping yourself with education can help you understand the patterns and risks of substance use disorders — and how to support your loved one best. 

Avoid enabling

Enabling behaviors are anything you might do to make it easier for your loved one to continue using substances. For example, you might call into their job for them when they’re too drunk or high and tell their supervisor they’re sick. You might continuously provide them with money to get drugs or alcohol. Or you may provide emotional enabling such as siding with them when their partner is upset about their substance use.  

Enabling behaviors generally come from a good place — you love this person and probably want to help them in any way you can. But these actions may unintentionally make it harder for your loved one to quit. Plus, this can create an unhealthy dynamic between you and your loved one, like in which they might expect you to give them money any time they ask. 

Refer to resources

As much as you may want to, you can’t help a loved one with substance use disorder on your own. Substance use disorder is a serious health condition and requires professional treatment. One of the best ways that you can help your loved one is to refer them to resources and professionals who might be able to provide them with the treatment they need.

This conversation may not go as smoothly as you hope. Your loved one may not be ready to accept professional help or may not even be willing to acknowledge a substance use disorder at all. Some treatment centers and professionals may be able to help you with how to approach this conversation with your loved one.

There are some situations — for example, if you have a child with substance use disorder or you fear for your loved one’s life — where you may feel you need to be more forceful about getting your loved one into treatment. 

If you have a child with substance use disorder, you may have the legal capacity to send them to treatment. For parents and kids, this can be a difficult and painful experience. Try to avoid becoming angry or overly emotional, and instead focus on the love that you have for your child and your desire to see them get the help they need. Taking a firm, matter-of-fact stance can reduce further emotional reactivity from your child. 

In addition, always research treatment facilities and programs beforehand because some — especially those designed to help teens — have been found to use abusive practices. You can call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) hotline for referrals and information.

Don’t take it personally

You may start blaming yourself for your loved one’s substance use or feel like it’s your responsibility to help them quit, even when they’ve told you they don’t want your help. It’s important to not take their behavior personally. In fact, substances may make your loved one act out of character or not realize how their behaviors are impacting you. 

Ultimately, if your loved one is an adult, they have autonomy — meaning there’s nothing you can do to force them to get treatment if they don’t want it.

Take care of yourself

Lastly, it’s essential that you take care of yourself. Loved ones — especially partners, parents, and children — of people with substance use disorder often develop codependency. Codependency is when you’re constantly forgoing your own needs to support your loved one. 

It can be incredibly hard to watch a loved one navigate substance use disorder, and caregivers may be at risk for developing mental health conditions like depression and anxiety. 

You deserve support, whether that’s connecting with friends and family or others who might be in the same situation. Organizations like AI-Anon offer a community of people who might be going through something similar and help you feel less alone. 

Working with a therapist can support you in processing challenging emotions, setting healthy boundaries, and finding ways to practice self-care. Further, they can provide professional insight into your loved one’s condition. 

Find care with Rula

Substance use disorder is painful, for the person who lives with this condition and their loved ones. If you have a loved one with substance use disorder, you deserve support as well. 

Rula’s therapy-matching platform can help you find a therapist who can support you through this experience. Plus, in just a few clicks, you can find someone who takes your insurance and is available to meet as soon as tomorrow. 

Find a therapist with Rula