Ways to support your partner with low self-esteem

Self-esteem is how we view ourselves. People with healthy self-esteem see themselves as worthy, capable, and deserving of love and respect, flaws and all. 

Although the development of self-esteem is a largely internal process, it can also be affected by external factors like our social interactions and the media we consume. In addition, research shows that our relationships can have a significant impact on our self-esteem. So if your partner is struggling with their self-esteem, know that there are many ways you can support them. 

How to talk to your partner with low self-esteem

If your partner has low self-esteem, you likely wish there was something you could do to help. You probably see them as a wonderful, talented, attractive person and wish they could view themselves the same way. Although self-esteem isn’t something that can be magically “fixed,” you can help your partner recognize their negative thinking patterns and how they impact their self image. 

Self-esteem can be a highly sensitive topic that should be approached with care. Here are some tips that can help you discuss it with your partner:

• Pick a time when neither of you will feel rushed so that you have plenty of time to talk. Choose a private and quiet place where you won’t be interrupted.
• Gently introduce the topic using “I” statements. For example, you could say something like, “I wanted to talk to you about something I’ve noticed lately. Is that OK?” or, “I’ve heard you say a few things about yourself recently that have left me feeling concerned about you. Can we talk about that?”
• Remember, this conversation shouldn’t focus on “fixing” your loved one’s low self-esteem. It’s about offering a listening ear and nonjudgmental support.

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How not to talk to your partner with low self-esteem

As you consider approaching your loved one to talk about their self-esteem, know that there’s no perfect way to have this talk and it’s OK if you’re worried about saying the wrong thing. Of course, everyone makes mistakes sometimes, but avoiding the following can help you have a more compassionate conversation with your partner.

• Avoid saying things like, “Why can’t you just snap out of it?” or, “Just focus on all your positive qualities.” If raising self-esteem was that simple, there probably wouldn’t be a need for this conversation in the first place. But the fact is it can be incredibly difficult to change the way we think about ourselves. So, instead of minimizing what your loved one is going through, have patience and demonstrate empathy.
• If your partner is dealing with low self-esteem, it might be tempting to go into solution mode and try to help them feel better as soon as possible. But, unfortunately, this approach can backfire and may even make things worse. Instead, encourage them to name their feelings and offer encouragement. For example, if they say, “I just hate the way I look right now,” you can respond with, “I’m really sorry you’re feeling that way. I’ve had thoughts like that before too, and I know how hard that can be.”

Four actionable ways to help your partner with low self-esteem

Although your partner’s self-esteem isn’t something that you can control, there are some practical things you can do to offer support. You know your loved one best. So feel free to skip any suggestions below that may not be the right fit for them.

1. Notice when they do something well or achieve a goal and offer a sincere compliment. For example, maybe your partner had a particularly tough week at work. You could say something like, “I know this week has been really rough. But I see how dedicated you are and how hard you’re working. I’m so proud of you.”
2. If your loved one has been dealing with low self-esteem for some time, and it’s not getting better, encourage them to seek outside support. A therapist can help them uncover what’s contributing to their low self-esteem and work to repair their self-image.
3. Encourage your partner to avoid things that trigger negative thoughts. For example, many people fall into the self-comparison trap when scrolling social media. If this happens with your partner, offer to help them audit their social media use or feed and remove any accounts that make them feel bad about themselves. 
4. Throughout this time, you may be at risk for compassion fatigue so don’t forget about your own well-being. By prioritizing self-care and doing activities that rejuvenate you, you can be more present with your partner and have more time and energy to offer support.

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When you look at your loved one, you probably see all of their very best qualities. After all, there’s a reason you chose them to be your partner. But if your partner is experiencing low self-esteem, you might not be sure what to do. While their self-esteem isn’t something you can “fix,” you can listen without judgment, offer sincere compliments, and encourage outside support. 

When you or a loved one need affordable mental health care you can access from home, look no further than Rula. With a network of over 10,000 providers to choose from, you use our therapist-matching program to find the right mental health professional for your needs today. In just a few clicks, you can sort through your options, select a therapist and/or psychiatrist, and schedule your first live video session for as soon as tomorrow.

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