How to heal your insecure attachment

Attachment theory explains how early caregiving shapes our ability to connect with and trust others. Secure attachment usually forms from consistent care, while inconsistent care often results in insecure attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. 

Insecure attachment is more common than many people realize, with studies showing that about 50% of people experience it. It usually starts in childhood when a child’s relationship with their caregiver is inconsistent or not supportive. Though it begins in childhood, insecure attachment can continue into adulthood and affect relationships, emotions, and overall well-being.

Some people are more likely to develop insecure attachment — especially if they grew up in traumatic or unstable environments. Those with parents who’ve experienced mental health issues, unhealthy substance use, or trauma may be at higher risk. The good news is that healing is possible, whether on your own or with support, and understanding insecure attachment is the first step toward building healthier relationships.

Types of insecure attachment

Insecure attachment is typically divided into three styles: avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized. These styles reflect different behaviors and beliefs about trust, closeness, and independence in relationships. Understanding them can help explain how past experiences shape current challenges in relationships. It can also help you learn to heal and build secure attachments. 

The three styles of insecure attachment are:

Avoidant attachment

People with an avoidant attachment style often struggle with emotional intimacy, avoiding close connections and maintaining emotional distance. They may avoid social or romantic relationships, find it difficult to discuss their emotions, and place high value on independence as a way to avoid vulnerability. 

A person with avoidant attachment may have grown up with a parent who was emotionally distant and rarely offered comfort, leading them to believe that depending on others for support is either unsafe or unnecessary.

Ambivalent attachment

Those with ambivalent attachment — also called anxious attachment — crave intimacy but also fear it. Because of this, they may struggle to trust or rely on others fully. They may worry about losing those they care about, leading to anxiety and inconsistent behavior. Often, they may seem highly reliant on others or distrustful, causing strain in relationships and reinforcing their fears of rejection. 

A person with ambivalent attachment may have had a caregiver who was sometimes caring and attentive but, at other times, distant or unresponsive. This mixed behavior can leave the person feeling unsure about whether they can depend on others.

Disorganized attachment

Disorganized attachment is characterized by conflicting desires for closeness and fear of connection. This style is often associated with confusing or erratic behavior in relationships, as people may feel unsure about whether relationships are safe. This insecurity can lead to self-doubt, low self-esteem, and difficulty trusting others. 

A person with disorganized attachment may have had a parent who was both caring and frightening — sometimes loving, but also abusive. This mixed experience can make them feel torn between wanting closeness and fearing it, which can lead to confusion and difficulty in relationships

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Is it possible to heal insecure attachment?

Yes, it’s possible to heal insecure attachment with the right support. 

Imagine someone who’s struggled for years to feel secure in relationships, often holding back or worrying that they’re too overwhelming or demanding. They might avoid intimacy or cling to it out of fear of being abandoned. If this sounds like you, understanding attachment styles can help you recognize the roots of these fears. 

With therapy, self-reflection, and supportive relationships, you can learn new ways of connecting. Shifting from an insecure to a secure attachment style is possible at any age, even in adulthood. Research shows that healing insecure attachment is a gradual process, but it can lead to meaningful change over time.

Overcoming insecure attachment offers many benefits. People often find themselves better able to trust others, manage their emotions, and communicate more openly. This can lead to improved health outcomes, reduced anxiety in social situations, and greater self-compassion. For many, developing a secure attachment fosters stability and peace, helping them feel more connected and confident both personally and professionally.

Self-help strategies for overcoming insecure attachment

If you’re wondering how to fix insecure attachment, therapy can help you identify your attachment patterns and set personal goals. Since insecure attachment styles differ, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach. However, with awareness, effort, and possibly professional guidance, change is achievable. 

These strategies can lead to healthier connections and improved emotional well-being.

1. Talk to someone. Engaging in open conversations with trusted friends or family can help you build emotional safety, a key aspect in healing insecure attachment patterns. Sharing feelings helps reduce isolation and fosters connection. For example, sharing with a close friend about feeling anxious when a partner doesn’t respond right away can bring relief and reduce feelings of isolation. Their support may help you feel more grounded and remind you that you’re not alone, making it easier to handle the situation with patience and perspective.
2. Practice self-compassion. Developing compassion and kindness toward yourself can reduce self-criticism, which often exists within insecure attachment patterns. This can help you build self-worth and learn to better regulate your emotions. You can build self-compassion by engaging in positive self-talk. For example, you could try saying daily affirmations or journaling.
3. Set boundaries. Healthy boundaries create a sense of safety in relationships, helping to prevent unhealthy patterns and build trust. This is crucial for people with insecure attachment, as it helps them feel more in control and respected. For instance, someone with an insecure attachment style might set a boundary around needing space to process emotions before engaging in deep conversations. By discussing and respecting each other’s needs, both partners can build trust, create emotional safety, and lower anxiety, which is key to healing and forming a secure attachment.
4. Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness can be especially helpful in healing insecure attachment. Mindfulness allows you to pause before reacting, helping you respond more thoughtfully in relationships. Practicing mindfulness helps you notice what emotions come up and how they change during moments of discomfort. For example, if someone cancels plans with you, mindfulness can help you notice whether you feel hurt, frustrated, or insecure and keep those feelings in check before they lead to reactions that may strain the relationship.
5. Build routines in your relationships. Creating routines in relationships can help build a sense of stability and emotional safety, which are essential for developing trust. By consistently showing up for each other, whether it’s a weekly check-in or a daily message, partners can create predictable moments that foster closeness and reduce fears about abandonment or inconsistency. This steady foundation can help both partners feel more secure and valued over time.

Healing insecure attachment with therapy

If you think you might have an insecure attachment style, it’s a good idea to reflect on how your relationship patterns affect you emotionally. If these patterns cause ongoing stress or make it hard for you to form healthy connections, seeking help from a therapist can be a helpful next step. A therapist can guide you in understanding why you feel this way, offer strategies to shift these patterns, and help you build stronger, more secure relationships.

Healing insecure attachment through therapy can lead to long-term improvements. Over time, therapy for insecure attachment can help you improve self-esteem, build trust, and learn to regulate your emotions more effectively. 

Different therapeutic approaches can guide you toward these goals:

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): Helps people identify and challenge negative thoughts and behaviors that impact relationships
• Attachment-based therapy: Focuses on helping people understand how early relationships shape their current attachment style and emotional patterns
• Emotion-focused therapy (EFT): Helps people process emotions and improve emotional connections
• Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT): Teaches skills for managing emotions and improving interpersonal interactions
• Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR): A trauma-focused therapy that helps people process and reframe past painful experiences that affect current attachment patterns, fostering emotional regulation and healing

Beginning therapy to address insecure attachment can be a transformative step toward improving your relationships and emotional well-being. Here are some first steps to consider:

• Recognize the need for therapy. If you notice patterns like difficulty trusting others or emotional intimacy struggles, this may signal insecure attachment. Therapy can help you improve these concerns.
• Find a qualified therapist. Seek someone experienced in attachment issues, like those specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or attachment-based therapy.
• Prepare for your first session. Your therapist will assess your attachment style by exploring your relationship history and emotional responses. It may be helpful to bring notes on your relational history to your first session to help your therapist best understand your attachment dynamics.
• Set therapy goals. Work with your therapist to define specific goals, like building trust or improving emotional regulation.
• Commit to the process. Consistent effort is key to healing. Over time, therapy can help you build secure attachments and healthier relationships.

Find care with Rula

An insecure attachment style can deeply impact how you approach and maintain relationships, often leading to challenges with intimacy and trust. If you or someone you know is experiencing relationship issues tied to insecure attachment, Rula can connect you to mental health support for attachment healing. Therapy offers a safe, private space to explore how insecure attachment influences your thoughts, relationships, and patterns. With the right guidance and effort, attachment healing can lead to better emotional regulation, healthier relationships, and lasting personal growth.

With the right care, you can understand your attachment style, break unhelpful habits, and foster healthier connections. Rula makes it easy to find licensed therapists who accept your insurance, are open to new clients, and specialize in meeting your unique needs. With access to over 10,000 therapists, Rula is here to help you start your healing journey today.

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