Grief and the holidays: Honoring your emotions and loved ones

The holidays are a time for time spent with the people you love. But for anyone grieving the loss of someone special, the holiday season can be an unwelcome reminder of all that’s changed in their life. 

One national poll found that 36% of Americans aren’t interested in celebrating the holidays due to grief and loss. Holiday grief can be even harder for people also living with a mental health condition, like depression or anxiety. 

Experiencing the holidays when you’re missing someone is hard, so remember to show yourself some compassion. Whether it’s the first, fifth, or 15th year without that person, look for ways to honor their memory and your emotions. With the right strategies and support, it’s possible to navigate new and old traditions while finding joy this holiday season.

Why are the holidays so hard after losing someone?

The holidays can be incredibly painful when you’re grieving. You may be surrounded by joy and cheer, but on the inside you might feel sad or hopeless. If you feel in control of your grief, you may be surprised by the mixed emotions you experience throughout the season. 

Something as simple as hearing a song on the radio or baking a special dessert can trigger a wave of sadness. It’s also common to feel lonely or disconnected, even when you’re surrounded by other friends and loved ones. Some people experience guilt, as though their moments of joy are a betrayal to those who aren’t with them. 

If this sounds familiar, know you’re not alone. One of the reasons that grief can be so difficult is because it’s not always linear. According to one psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, grief can consist of five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

You may think you’ve accepted your new reality, only to be caught off guard by debilitating sadness or denial that someone won’t be at this year’s holiday meal. Even if you have accepted your grief, the holidays can highlight new ways that your life has changed that you hadn’t previously considered. 

Does grief around the holidays ever get easier?

Grief typically lasts between six months and two years, with many people noticing that their symptoms start to improve around six months. That said, grief is complicated, and there’s no real timeline for how and when you move through your loss. 

For some people, the first few holidays are the hardest. The loss is still so new, and it can feel like every “first” triggers a tide of sadness. For other people, the later years are more difficult. The numbness has worn off, other people have moved on, and they’re left with the clear realization that this is their new reality. January and February, the period right after holidays, can also be particularly distressing for some people. 

Regardless of when your grief is at its worst, know that it’s possible to effectively manage your pain and continue healing with the right resources and support. 

Seven ways to cope with grief during the holidays

It’s normal to feel like the holidays will never be the same. But it doesn’t mean you’ll never enjoy them again. Navigating the holidays through grief often involves a combination of honoring old traditions while creating new ones. 

Try to continue special traditions, like decorating your home or hosting a cookie party. If this seems too daunting, give yourself some grace and continue the tradition when you’re ready. Another tip is to find small ways to include your loved one in your celebrations, like lighting a memorial candle or serving their favorite dessert. 

It’s also important to learn how to make the most of the holiday season with people you do have. Whether it’s a smaller crowd or with new friends, intentionally creating special memories and traditions can help bring renewed joy to the holiday season.

Here are seven additional strategies to help you cope with grief and enjoy the holidays this year. 

• Acknowledge your grief. You may be struggling to celebrate this year — and that’s OK. Instead of avoiding your grief, allow yourself to recognize and reflect on your feelings.
• Focus on the good. You may not feel like counting your blessings, but practicing gratitude can help improve your mental health. 
• Know your limits. Traditions and expectations can make the holidays a stressful time. Prioritize your well-being by creating clear boundaries. For instance, you might ask someone else to host the holiday meal or limit your social engagements.  
• Think about your health. Make a point to get enough sleep, nourish your body with healthy food, and focus on activities that bring you comfort. Lean into things that make you feel good, like corny holiday movies or brisk evening walks. 
• Stay connected. The holidays can be a lonely reminder of those no longer with you. Take as much time as you need to recharge, but remember that spending time with trusted family and friends can actually improve resiliency and overall well-being. 
• Consider your coping methods. Find effective ways to manage your emotions and distressing thoughts this holiday season, such as meditation, exercise, and coloring. This can help you avoid unhealthy coping methods like alcohol misuse, binge eating, and self-harm.
• Get professional help. If your grief is starting to affect your ability to function, consider reaching out for professional support. Therapy offers a safe space to understand your feelings, develop healthier coping methods, and effectively process your grief. 

Find care with Rula

If you’re struggling to find joy in the holidays this year, know that you’re not alone. Whether you’re grieving or struggling with a mental health condition like depression, seeking professional support can make the season brighter. 

At Rula, we partner with more than 10,000 therapists to make it easier for each person to get the mental health help they need. In just a few clicks, you can use our therapist-matching program to find a therapist who takes your insurance and is available for your first appointment as soon as tomorrow.

Find a therapist with Rula