When and how to go no contact

The idea of “going no contact” has become more popular in recent years. It refers to the process of intentionally cutting ties with a friend, partner, or family member for the purposes of self-preservation. The reasons for going no contact are incredibly varied. But the decision is typically a difficult one. 

Most people who go no contact will no longer communicate or spend time with someone they once had a close relationship with. This is often because that person has shown that they’re unable or unwilling to change their harmful behavior or respect healthy boundaries.

Therapy can help you work through your feelings, set boundaries, and stay strong in your decision. A therapist can support you in handling guilt, sadness, or doubt while focusing on your well-being.

A note to the reader: If you feel unsafe in your relationship for any reason, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by dialing 800-799-7233 for confidential support. 

When cutting contact is the best option

People who criticize the idea of going no contact may mistakenly view it as a rash or careless decision. But, in doing so, they underestimate how painful the choice can be. Most people don’t want to lose a meaningful connection. So, prior to going no contact, it’s likely that a person will try many things — sometimes at their own expense — to preserve an important relationship.

Deciding when to go no contact is a very personal choice. However, it’s generally something you may wish to consider if it’s clear that maintaining the relationship will continue to cause you harm. The following examples are designed to help illustrate some of these dynamics. But, again, remember that the decision to go no contact is ultimately up to you.

You may decide to go no contact if:

• You’ve experienced ongoing emotional, physical, psychological, and/or financial abuse in your relationship, and your partner refuses to seek help.
• Your father or mother refuses to respect your parenting choices and continues to behave in ways that put your children at risk.
• A “friend” has demonstrated a habit of spreading rumors about you and sharing your private information with other people.
• An ex-partner continues to attempt to rekindle a relationship after you’ve made it clear that you wish to move on. They become angry when you don’t accept their advances.
• You’re in recovery from alcohol use disorder, and you’re so proud of how far you’ve come. But an old acquaintance continues to undermine your efforts by encouraging you to drink.

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Does going no contact actually work?

Research shows that maintaining contact with an ex-partner or spouse is associated with increased psychological distress for some people. But this isn’t a universal experience. The effectiveness of going no contact depends on your situation, goals, and the reason for your decision. 

It’s also important to remember that you can go no contact for a period of time, but estrangement doesn’t have to last forever. Sometimes, taking a break can give both parties time and space to reevaluate their relationship and take steps to heal the connection. 

Benefits of breaking ties with a toxic relationship

It takes a huge amount of physical, emotional, and mental energy to maintain a toxic relationship. It also often requires self-betrayal or putting your needs aside in an attempt to keep the peace. 

Removing yourself from an unhealthy relationship can be a way of reclaiming your energy and prioritizing yourself. Going no contact can increase your bandwidth to do more of what you love, nurture your needs, grieve the loss of the relationship you wanted to have, and invest in healthy connections with other people.

Five tips for establishing your no-contact period

If you’re thinking of going no contact with someone, know that you get to set the boundaries. This includes things like the length of the no-contact period and what you need to see and hear before you consider bringing that person back into your life. 

The following tips can help you establish the details of your no-contact period.

1. Prepare for mixed emotions. During this time, you might have moments of joy and relief. But you may also experience anger, grief, or loneliness. Just remember that all of your feelings are valid — even the seemingly contradictory ones.
2. Plan for setbacks. Don’t be alarmed if you feel tempted to break your no-contact rule. If you had a relationship with someone for a long time — even an unhealthy one — it can be difficult to remove them from your life. Try to be patient and gentle with yourself in these moments.
3. Write it down. In addition to being a great way to process your feelings, journaling about going no contact can help bring clarity to your situation. It can also help you reflect on why you made the no-contact rule when you’re tempted to break it.
4. Prioritize self-care. Breaking old relationship patterns can be difficult work. So, during this time, be sure to make time for self-care practices that uplift and energize you. Whether it’s taking a walk in the woods, playing video games, or cooking a tasty dinner, do whatever feels right for you.
5. Ask for help. If you’re having difficulty in an important relationship, know that you’re not alone and help is available. There are therapists who can help you navigate the decision to go no contact and help you learn coping strategies to support yourself throughout this experience.

Find care with Rula

The decision to cut ties with someone you’ve been close to is a highly personal one, and it’s typically a last resort. Most people don’t want to lose meaningful connections or remove loved ones from their lives. However, if a relationship continues to cause you harm, going no contact can be a necessary choice. Fortunately, there are therapists who can help you navigate this challenging situation. With the right support, you can begin to heal from your past experiences and learn to set and uphold boundaries in new relationships.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 10,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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