What does ‘getting the ick’ mean psychologically?

Sometimes, in the early stages of dating, something can happen to instantly and abruptly change how you feel about a romantic partner. This is called “getting the ick,” and, lately, people are flocking to social media to talk about it. 

Unlike blatant relationship blunders like infidelity, dishonesty, or disrespect, the ick often stems from something seemingly innocent. For example, things might be going great when suddenly the way a person chews, dresses, or smells makes you feel viscerally repulsed. In an instant, you no longer see a future with this person, and you might be tempted to end the relationship immediately.

If this has happened to you, you may be asking yourself, “Why do I get the ick so easily?” or, “Is it normal to get the ick in a relationship?” There are no clear-cut answers to these questions. But recently, experts have begun to explore this phenomenon. Their research suggests some potential underlying psychological reasons for the ick. Learning more about the difference between the ick and an actual deal breaker can help you successfully navigate your dating life.

Why you might be getting the ick so easily

Before we dive into what causes the ick, we want to be very clear about what the ick isn’t. If you’re dating someone, and they do something that makes you feel unsafe, violates your boundaries, or signals that your values or interests don’t align, it’s OK to move on. These behaviors can be a legitimate sign of incompatibility, and it’s not the same thing as getting the ick. It’s also OK to question your attraction to someone as you get to know them.

The challenging thing about the ick is that it isn’t always a rational response, which can make it hard to understand. One moment you’re attracted to someone and excited to spend time together. Then, almost instantly, you feel an overwhelming sense of disgust in their presence. 

This can create a sort of emotional whiplash that’s frustrating and confusing. You might even start wondering if you’re being overly picky or if your standards are too high. But research shows that if you struggle with the ick, it might be due to an unconscious psychological response called disgust sensitivity. 

We don’t yet fully understand all the reasons why someone might experience disgust sensitivity, but it’s likely tied to the following:

• Evolution: Disgust may be an evolutionary mechanism that was originally designed to help us pick the healthiest mates. Some people may naturally have stricter rejection thresholds.
• Narcissistic tendencies: Research shows that people who exhibit narcissistic tendencies — like a sense of superiority or lack of empathy — are more likely to experience the ick. This may be because they want a partner who mirrors their idealized sense of self.
• Perfectionism: People who have unrealistically high standards for themselves often expect the same from their partners. Even small annoyances can become deal breakers.
• Gender: Interestingly, women are more likely than men to experience the ick (75% vs. 57%). This divide suggests that women are socialized to have stronger gendered expectations for their male partners’ behaviors.
• Social media: Social media has allowed us to observe others’ dating behavior in ways never before possible. This can lead us to internalize superficial dating standards, regardless of actual compatibility.
• Attachment: If you consistently lose interest as soon as someone likes you back, you may have an avoidant attachment style. People with this attachment style may rely on emotional distance to keep themselves safe, often due to negative childhood experiences with caregivers.

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What to do if you’re questioning your attraction

If you find yourself getting the ick, here are some steps you can take to understand why you’re questioning your attraction.

Pause to reflect

The ick can feel like an instant, visceral response that you can’t control. When you feel it happening, pause to reflect before making any major decisions. Ask yourself, “Where is this feeling coming from? Has this happened with this person before? What’s really bothering me about my partner’s behavior?” These insights can help you make an informed decision about next steps.

Consider outside influences

Sometimes, the ick can arise due to external influences. For example, if your social media feed has been full of people talking about their experience of the ick, you may unconsciously adopt their perspectives, even if they don’t reflect how you truly feel. 

Do a little digging

Often, there are big feelings underneath the ick. It can also be an involuntary coping mechanism. For example, you might be scared of getting too close to someone, or it might feel like the relationship is moving too fast. 

Do a little digging into what might be contributing to the ick. It may be a sign of legitimate incompatibility, or it could be an emotional response to an underlying fear or worry.

Make a decision

If, after careful consideration, you feel that you can’t move on from the ick, end the relationship respectfully. You don’t have to share every detail about the ick you experienced — especially if it’d be unnecessarily hurtful. But be clear and compassionate as you communicate your decision to move on.

How to get over the ick for good

If you feel that the ick is holding you back from lasting relationships, you may want to consider taking a temporary break from dating. You can use this time to focus on deepening your self-awareness and uncovering why you experience the ick so frequently. As you work through this process, talking to a therapist can help. 

Therapy can provide a safe space to explore the root cause of the ick, challenge perfectionist or narcissistic tendencies, work through attachment concerns, and develop the skills you need to maintain satisfying relationships when you’re ready to date again.

Find care with Rula

The ick is what happens when suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, you find yourself disgusted by someone you were previously attracted to. Sometimes, the ick can signal a genuine red flag or fundamental incompatibility. But other times, it can stem from superficial behaviors or mild annoyances. If this happens frequently, know that with the right support, you can overcome the ick and learn to sustain meaningful relationships with romantic partners.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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