Letting go and healing from a situationship

Most people know how difficult breakups can be. This is true of long-term, serious relationships or marriages. But even the endings of less “official” relationships can be incredibly painful. So if you’ve ever wondered how to get over a situationship, you’re not alone. 

These ambiguous relationships are characterized by a lack of consistency and communication that can make their endings confusing. Situationships can be uniquely challenging to move on from. But with self-care and, potentially, support from a therapist, you can learn to practice self-compassion and heal. 

Why situationships can be hard to move on from

Situationships are becoming increasingly common — especially among younger generations. These informal sexual or romantic relationships typically lack clear boundaries or labels. They can exist in a gray area between “friends with benefits” and something more serious. For some people, these relationships can be satisfying and enjoyable. They can provide a sense of connection without the pressures or constraints of a long-term commitment. 

Only you can decide if this relationship style is right for you. However, for some people, break ups can lead to lasting psychological harm, including mental health concerns like depression. Situationships shouldn’t be confused with casual relationships in which there’s clear communication around boundaries and expectations. By definition, this isn’t the case with situationships. So when situationships end, there can be a lack of closure.

Here’s why situationships can be especially hard to move on from: 

• Ambiguity: When relationship roles and expectations aren’t clearly defined, breakups might be more confusing and impact your emotional well-being. 
• Loss of security: Research shows that most humans are hardwired for connection. The bonds you develop in a situationship can help us feel safe and secure in the world — and the end of one can be jarring. 
• Self-blame: Without a clear understanding of why the relationship ended, you might be tempted to blame yourself. You might wonder what you did or said to make the other person want to move on, even without evidence that the breakup was your fault.
• Trauma bonding: In some situationships, there’s a pattern of closeness, followed by abrupt, unexplained absence (also known as ghosting). This unhealthy back and forth can create a trauma bond between partners that can be difficult to heal from after the relationship ends.

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Five ways to move on from a situationship

Some people can get over a situationship with a little time and self-care. But for others, this can be a more challenging process. If you’re struggling to move past a situationship that was toxic or you didn’t want to end, here are some tips to help you heal:

• Accept the ambiguity. Right now, you might be ruminating about why the situationship ended or trying to define what the relationship was and wasn’t. This is a natural response to a confusing, painful loss. But in reality, you may never have direct answers to those questions. While this can be hard to accept, it can be an important part of moving forward.
• Combat self-blame. Without clarity about why a situationship ended, some people blame themselves. If this is something you’re struggling with, try to challenge those thoughts. Ask yourself if you have any concrete evidence that you’re to blame. 
• Be a friend (to yourself). If you’re frustrated with yourself because you can’t seem to move on, consider how you might treat a friend who’s going through the same thing. You’d probably be patient, gentle, and kind. See if you can treat yourself the same way.
• Focus inward. When you’re going through a breakup, it’s easy to spend lots of time thinking about the other person. But research shows that focusing inward, prioritizing self-care and growth, can help you heal.  
• Consider therapy. If the end of your relationship is negatively impacting your well-being and daily functioning, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Therapy can provide a safe space to process the emotions surrounding your breakup and strengthen the skills you need to foster healthy relationships in the future.

What to expect while you’re healing

When it comes to getting over a situationship, everyone heals on their own timeline. In the beginning, there may be some emotional ups and downs. Some days, you may wake up feeling energized and positive. Other days, you might remember a painful memory, leading to complex emotions. This is a natural part of grieving the loss of a relationship. 

You may also have conflicting or seemingly contradictory feelings after a breakup. You may feel happy, sad, angry, relieved, confused, or hopeful all at once. Remember, all of these feelings are valid, and you deserve to take whatever time you need to process them.

As the days, weeks, and months go by, you might find yourself thinking less about the situationship. You might even begin to consider dating again, even if the idea makes you a little nervous. When you think about how you want to enter this new chapter of your life, try to recall what you’ve learned from your situationship and how it ended. These insights can help you set healthy boundaries, advocate for yourself, and nurture relationships that align with your goals and values.

Find care with Rula

Research shows that situationships can be especially hard to move on from. These ambiguous relationships often lack clear boundaries and clear communication. So when they end, it can be challenging to find closure. Fortunately, with some time, self-care, and in some cases, therapy, you can heal from your situationship. With the right support, you can deepen your self-awareness and learn the skills you need to make healthy relationship choices in the future.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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