Signs you have a fear of intimacy and how to overcome it

Emotional intimacy is one of the key ingredients for fulfilling relationships. It’s what makes people feel safe enough to be themselves with friends, loved ones, and romantic partners. People in emotionally intimate relationships trust that they can count on a baseline of vulnerability and understanding in their relationships. 

Emotional intimacy doesn’t come easily to everyone. There are many reasons that a person might feel uncomfortable with closeness. Fortunately, with some time and the right support, you can increase your capacity for intimacy and strengthen your most important relationships.

What are intimacy issues?

Many people have a hard time with intimacy due to past experiences. A fear of intimacy can stem from childhood or things that have happened in adult relationships. 

For example, if you grew up in a home with parents who didn’t respond to your emotional needs in supportive ways, you may develop an insecure attachment style. In turn, you might have an underlying belief that it’s not safe to be vulnerable or openly express emotions. And many people who experience trauma in the form of childhood abuse or neglect have trouble forming close, lasting bonds with others later in life. 

At their core, intimacy issues are often defense mechanisms that may have helped you feel safe at some point. The good news is that it’s possible to examine the defense mechanisms that no longer serve you — like keeping other people at a distance by avoiding intimacy. Then, you can learn to replace them with strategies that can help you build meaningful connections with the people you care about.

Seven signs you may have a fear of intimacy

A fear of intimacy can take many forms. But there are some common signs that you may have some challenges with intimacy. 

You may have trouble with intimacy if:

1. You prefer surface-level connections and have more acquaintances than close friends.
2. You’re a “serial dater,” and you tend to move on from romantic relationships when things start to get serious.
3. You become uncomfortable when people try to get to know you on a deeper level.
4. You avoid conversations around topics of emotional closeness (For example, talking about your childhood, your emotions, or your fears).
5. You struggle to trust others, even when you don’t have evidence that they’re untrustworthy.
6. You tend to do things to sabotage relationships when it feels like someone is getting “too close.”
7. You have a deep fear of rejection or abandonment that keeps you from bringing your full self to your relationships.

How to overcome intimacy issues

Intimacy issues can keep people from developing close, loving connections with others. These issues can make it hard to forge lasting friendships, maintain meaningful relationships with family, and maintain healthy romantic partnerships. 

Fortunately, intimacy issues aren’t set in stone. While it may take some time and effort to overcome them, there are things you can do to increase your emotional availability.

Working with a mental health professional, especially one who specializes in attachment and relationships, can help you uncover the reasons behind your intimacy issues. This insight can help you increase your self-awareness and self-compassion as you learn new coping skills. You can also begin to experiment with vulnerability in a supportive environment with your therapist offering guidance along the way. 

Therapy can help you practice some of the practical skills that can help you foster intimacy with your friends and loved ones. For example, expanding your emotional vocabulary can help you learn to accurately identify what you’re feeling. And improving your communication skills can make it easier for you to express yourself and connect more deeply with others. 

Self-care activities like journaling and mindfulness can also help you on your journey to overcoming your fear of intimacy. For example, you could make some time for self-reflection and journal about your feelings around intimacy. Think about what tends to make your fear of intimacy increase or decrease in your day-to-day life, and write it down. What can you learn from this insight? Consider talking about what you learned with a friend, loved one, or therapist. 

Three ways to support someone with intimacy issues

One of the most challenging truths about intimacy is that it always requires some level of emotional risk. We have to trust that when we’re open and vulnerable, the other person will support and accept us anyway. This can be a scary thing to do, so if you’re in a relationship with someone with intimacy issues, remember to have patience with them. They’re likely doing their best to feel close to you. 

There are some things you can do to support them in their efforts.

1. Keep a “balanced distance.” If you feel like your friend, loved one, or partner is pushing you away, remember that it might be hard for them to accept that they’re worthy of your love and attention. Do your best to practice what experts call a “balanced distance.” Try not to react to their distancing by getting angry. Instead, give them some space, but don’t withdraw completely. Remind them that you care about them no matter what and you’ll be there when they want to talk.
2. Acknowledge, but don’t force. Remember that it’s okay to acknowledge when intimacy issues are causing problems in your relationship. Let the person know that you aren’t feeling connected, but try not to force a discussion if they’re not ready. When they’re ready to talk about improving the relationship, remind them that this is something you can work on together, and allow them to set the pace. 
3. Seek expert support.If you’ve tried to improve the intimacy in your relationship but you feel stuck, therapy may help. You could consider doing separate, individual therapy to process any issues that have contributed to fears around intimacy. You can also attend couples counseling with your partner to work on intimacy as a team.

Find care with Rula

Often, a fear of intimacy can make it hard to develop and maintain meaningful relationships. So if you or someone you care about is having trouble forming meaningful connections with friends and loved ones, know that help is available. 

With Rula, you get immediate access to a therapist-matching program that you can use to connect with an in-network therapist in just a few clicks. Whether you need individual therapy, couples therapy, or both, we make it easy to find the support you need. Plus, our diverse network of over 10,000 therapists means you can schedule your first appointment as soon as tomorrow. 

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