What’s behind your fear of abandonment?

Fear of abandonment can be one of the most painful and anxiety-provoking experiences to live with. It doesn’t just affect your emotions — it can affect your relationships, decisions, and sense of self-worth in ways that feel completely overwhelming. For some people, this fear stems from specific past experiences or relationships. For others, it may be tied to a mental health condition, like borderline personality disorder (BPD), or unresolved trauma.

Despite how isolating it can feel, you’re not alone — and understanding the roots of fear of abandonment is the first step toward managing it. 

What does fear of abandonment feel like?

Living with a constant fear of abandonment can be incredibly distressing and anxiety inducing. This fear could haunt you even in otherwise “happy” moments in your relationships and make it very difficult to get close to people.

If you have a fear of abandonment, you may:

• Live with an unwarranted fear that the people you love will leave you, even when they do everything in their power to make you feel safe
• Push people away to get distance from them, often as a way of leaving them before they leave you
• Engage in excessive people-pleasing behaviors, sometimes compromising personal boundaries to avoid being left
• Feel insecure, almost as if you’re not “good enough” or worthy of being loved
• Stay in unhealthy or even abusive relationships because you can’t bear the thought of being alone
• Find it difficult to fully commit to people because you feel that you can’t trust them
• React strongly, including expressing anger, when you feel like you’re about to be abandoned

Why do you have a fear of abandonment?

A fear of abandonment could have many causes, including both temporary situations and long-term patterns. For example, a specific person may trigger a fear of abandonment in you due to the way the other person behaves. 

Having occasional fears of abandonment isn’t necessarily indicative of a deeper mental health issue. But if your fear of abandonment is chronic and getting in the way of maintaining healthy relationships, it may be helpful to look into some of the deeper reasons why you’ve developed this fear and how you can address it.

Many different life events and mental health conditions can contribute to a chronic fear of abandonment, including:

Borderline personality disorder

Fear of abandonment and borderline personality disorder (BPD) are so closely linked that it’s one of the recognized symptoms of the condition. BPD is a chronic condition that can significantly affect your relationships. People with BPD often experience intense or painful emotions that can be challenging to cope with. 

One of the core features of BPD is a fear of abandonment, even when there’s no real risk of being abandoned. This fear of abandonment can contribute to a pattern of unstable relationships. In some cases, the intensity of this fear may lead to emotional outbursts, like anger, which can make relationships more difficult.

Separation anxiety disorder

Separation anxiety disorder mostly affects children, but it can affect adults as well. It’s a type of anxiety disorder in which symptoms get more severe when you’re faced with a separation from attachment figures. 

For example, consider a child who experiences intense anxiety when they’re being dropped off for school. If you live with separation anxiety disorder as an adult, you may experience an intense fear of abandonment when you’re separated from the people you love.

Trauma

If you’ve experienced trauma — particularly abandonment trauma in childhood — you may be more likely to live with a fear of abandonment. For example, if you were neglected or abandoned as a young child, it may be more difficult for you to trust that others will stick around. 

Early childhood trauma can also lead to insecure attachment styles, which can contribute to a chronic fear of abandonment. Trauma can also contribute to other mental health conditions — including borderline personality disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder — that lead to a fear of abandonment.

Prior experiences

Even if you haven’t gone through a traumatic experience, prior life events can absolutely lead to a fear of being abandoned. For example, if you’ve been in a relationship in which infidelity has occurred, it might be natural for you to have a fear of abandonment in future relationships. Or if you’ve had multiple experiences of friends moving away or distancing themselves from you, it might be hard to shake the fear of abandonment when you make new friends.

How to cope with the fear of being left

Living with a fear of abandonment — especially when there’s no direct cause for it — can not only be emotionally painful but also get in the way of your relationships. Here are some self-help strategies you can use to cope with this fear and take care of yourself:

Be mindful of your emotions

Sometimes, an underlying fear of abandonment can lead you to act in ways that aren’t aligned with your values. For example, you may lash out in anger toward a loved one because you fear they’ll abandon you. 

One of the most important things you can do is try to be mindful of your true emotional experiences. Instead of pushing the fear away, sit with it. Learning to tolerate the pain and fear is an important strategy used in evidence-based therapy techniques, including dialectical behavior therapy.

Try journaling

Research has found that journaling could be an effective self-help tool to reduce emotional distress and anxiety. Try writing about your fear of abandonment. If possible, instead of simply venting about your fear of abandonment, try challenging your irrational thoughts about it. For example, you might write out evidence that suggests that your fear of abandonment might be misplaced.

Find a place where you belong

If you live with a fear of abandonment, it may help to find a group of people who you truly feel you belong with. This may be a new experience for you — especially if your fear of abandonment has prevented you from getting too close to people in the past. 

Finding a group of supportive people who you know you can always count on can go a long way in easing your fear of abandonment. This could be through joining a hobby group, support group, or community meeting where you feel a sense of connection. It might take time, but exploring different spaces where you can be yourself can help you find a sense of belonging.

Just keep in mind that if your fear of abandonment arises from an underlying mental health condition like BPD, it’s important to address that condition as well. Seeking professional help, such as therapy, can assist in managing those deeper issues.

Treatment for overcoming abandonment issues

A fear of abandonment in and of itself isn’t a diagnosable mental health condition. To a certain extent, having a fear of abandonment in reaction to certain situations is natural. For example, it makes sense that you’d fear abandonment after your partner has been unfaithful to you. 

If your fear of abandonment is making it hard to build healthy relationships, therapy can help. You don’t have to wait until it feels overwhelming — getting support early can help you feel more secure and understand what’s behind your fear.

Some therapy techniques that can be used to address a fear of abandonment include:

• Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT): This is the most effective treatment type for people with BPD. In group and individual settings, a DBT therapist can help you learn new skills to cope with painful emotions and improve your relationships.
• Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT): CBT is a widely used therapeutic approach that can help you untangle the thought patterns that may be making your fear of abandonment worse. A CBT therapist can help you examine your thoughts and feelings and teach you new skills to cope.
• Family or couples therapy: If your fear of abandonment is affecting specific relationships in your life, it may be worth considering including others in your therapy sessions. For example, if fear of abandonment is coming up in your marriage, couples counseling can help both you and your partner understand these dynamics and work together to overcome them.

Find care with Rula

Everyone feels afraid of being abandoned at times, but if this fear sticks around, feels too strong, or affects your relationships, it might help to talk to a therapist. Therapy can help you understand why you feel this way and teach you ways to cope. With Rula, you can start working with a therapist to address your fear of abandonment as soon as tomorrow.

Find a therapist with Rula