Understanding enmeshment trauma

When you think of childhood trauma, neglect might come to mind — but being overly close can also cause harm. Enmeshment trauma happens when family members, such as a parent or guardian, rely too much on someone else, often a child, for emotional support, crossing healthy boundaries. This dynamic can negatively impact emotional growth and mental well-being. 

For example, a mother might share her marital problems with her teenage daughter and expect her to take sides. This dynamic can make it hard for the child to grow into their own independent self. 

Over time, enmeshment can lead to dysfunctional patterns that negatively affect the mental health of the entire family unit. For some people, this can create a legacy of enmeshment trauma that can be difficult to overcome without support. Learning more about this form of trauma can help you interrupt the cycle and form healthy, secure bonds with the people you love.

Signs and symptoms of enmeshment trauma

Enmeshment can manifest in many different ways. Here are several examples to illustrate some scenarios that could lead to enmeshment trauma later on:

• Whenever your parents argued, your father used you as a confidant. He would constantly vent about his frustrations with your mother to you, almost like you were his therapist or close friend.
• Any attempt to differentiate yourself from your family was seen as a betrayal. For example, when you tried to set a boundary around privacy, you were accused of hiding something.
• When your mother lost her temper, she’d throw or break things in your home. But instead of taking responsibility for her actions and emotions, she’d place the blame on you, saying something like, “Look what you made me do!”
• As the eldest of three children, you were often expected to act like a parent to your younger siblings. Instead of having time to play with your friends or explore other interests, you spent most of your childhood looking after them.
• If you expressed that a parent did or said something that hurt you, your feelings were often invalidated. For example, if you said, “Dad, when you called me a loser, it really hurt my feelings,” he’d respond saying that you were just being overly dramatic and making a “big deal out of nothing.”

These examples focus on enmeshment between parents and children. However, other relationships — including romantic ones — can be just as dysfunctional. Enmeshment doesn’t just hurt the person whose boundaries are being broken. It negatively impacts everyone involved. 

In these scenarios, the parent may become overreliant on their child to meet their emotional or practical needs. They may also experience intense distress at the thought of their child going away to school, moving out, or having their own independent relationships.

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How family enmeshment can lead to trauma

Family enmeshment can negatively affect a person’s mental health throughout their life. For some people, this dynamic can lead to trauma, as it disrupts healthy boundaries and emotional development.

Ongoing family enmeshment has been shown to increase a child’s risk of developing mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. It can also serve as a barrier to identity formation and make it more difficult to form healthy relationships in adulthood.

Healing from enmeshment trauma

If you’re experiencing enmeshment trauma, know that you’re not alone and healing is possible. With the right support, you can learn to set and uphold healthy boundaries while fostering closeness within your relationships. 

Some of the most effective supports for enmeshment trauma include:

• Family therapy: This form of therapy can help you and your loved ones improve communication, increase empathy and understanding, and take responsibility for your individual needs.
• Group therapy: Doing therapy with other people who have similar concerns can help you practice setting healthy boundaries and help you feel less alone. You also get the chance to hear from others who understand what you’re going through and practice assertive communication.
• Individual therapy: In a one-on-one setting, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) can help you identify and interrupt unhelpful patterns in your relationships. It can also help you increase your self-awareness and sense of autonomy.

While not a replacement for therapy, there are also some individual self-care strategies you can use as you work to heal from the effects of enmeshment trauma. This might include:

• Taking time for self-care like gentle movement of your body, journaling, or hobbies and activities you enjoy
• Spending time with supportive people who’re not in your enmeshed family dynamic
• Learning more about enmeshment and how it can manifest in various relationships
• Giving yourself the nurturing and love you may not have received as a child (also known as reparenting or inner child work)

Find care with Rula

Our family dynamics can deeply influence the ways we see ourselves and connect with other people. When families have healthy boundaries, children feel safe to go out and explore the world and develop unique identities. But when families are overly close or enmeshed, it can increase the risk of mental health conditions and make it more difficult to sustain healthy relationships. However, if you’ve experienced enmeshment trauma, know that you can break the cycle. With therapy and self-care, you can embrace your unique identity, cultivate self-compassion, and maintain autonomy in your important relationships.

If you need support for enmeshment trauma or another mental health concern, with Rula, the support you deserve is just a few clicks away. Whether you’re interested in individual, group, or family therapy, Rula can match you with a provider who takes your insurance and whom you can meet with from the comfort of home. And thanks to our extensive network of over 10,000 providers, you can start the process today and schedule your first live video session for as soon as tomorrow.

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