Are you in an enmeshed romantic relationship?

A partner who enjoys the same hobbies, always asks for your opinion, and never forgets to text back? For many people, that sounds like the perfect relationship. But while it’s great to have someone you connect with, couples who are too dependent on one another may have an unhealthy relationship dynamic known as enmeshment. With romantic enmeshment, people can become so involved in their partner’s life that they lose their individual identity and independence. 

Signs of an enmeshed romantic relationship

Being in a healthy relationship involves creating a life with your partner while maintaining your own values, goals, and interests. Healthy couples value their shared time but also appreciate the importance of emotional and physical boundaries. 

With enmeshed romantic relationships, couples often have trouble enforcing healthy boundaries. It’s common for one person to become overly dependent on the other or for both people to struggle to function on their own. 

Other signs that you’re in an enmeshed romantic relationship include:

• Feeling responsible for your partner’s feelings and emotions
• Feeling disconnected from your own feelings and emotions
• Having an identity and sense of self that are tied to your relationship
• Having trouble saying no to your partner
• Needing to always have the same opinion as your partner 
• Feeling like you’ve lost your independence 
• Feeling anxious or uneasy when you’re not with your partner

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How enmeshment can affect you and your partner

Enmeshment can develop gradually without either person realizing it. Couples may start off having their own hobbies, friends, and routines but eventually give up those pieces of their lives to prioritize the other person or the relationship. 

Here are a few examples of what enmeshment might look like. 

• “My partner gets upset when I play video games, so I’ve cut down my game time significantly.” 
• “I’d like to have lunch with my friend. But if I go, my boyfriend will be hurt that I chose my friend over him. I end up bringing my boyfriend with me.” 
• “Before meeting my girlfriend, I would go to the gym every day after work. She doesn’t want to join me, so now I skip the gym.” 

Research links enmeshment to unhealthy relationships dynamics like separation anxiety, reactivity, and possessiveness. Other potential effects of being in an enmeshed relationship include:

• Lack of confidence 
• Low self-esteem
• Limited sense of self
• Poor conflict-resolution skills
• Trouble managing your emotions

How to end enmeshment and find balance

Healing an enmeshed relationship started with having an honest conversation with yourself. If your relationship has become emotionally draining or is interfering with other aspects of your life, try mental health journaling to better understand your personal thoughts and feelings. This can help you reflect on past behaviors and decide if there’s a healthy and meaningful future with your partner. 

From there, here are some tips to help you discuss your relationship with your partner.

1. Communicate your concerns 

Effective communication is essential to any healthy relationship, but it’s particularly important when dealing with issues like enmeshment. If you’ve noticed harmful relationship patterns, make a point to clearly and respectfully share your concerns. 

For example: “I feel like our thoughts and emotions have become too closely connected and we’ve lost our separate identities. I know I’ve contributed to this issue, and I’d like to explore how we can create a more balanced future.” 

2. Create healthy boundaries 

Another important part of the healing process is deciding how you want to be treated by others. If you’ve struggled to enforce clear boundaries in the past, focus on what you will and won’t tolerate moving forward. For an enmeshed couple, this may involve stricter emotional boundaries. For example, you don’t need to feel a certain way about situations just because your partner does.

3. Try talk therapy

Working with a therapist can help you understand how your relationship impacts your overall life and well-being. Through therapeutic techniques like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), you’ll have a chance to address harmful thoughts and behaviors, establish clear boundaries, and work on your confidence and sense of self. 

Couples therapy is another option to help people break unhealthy habits like enmeshment. Couples therapists focus on facilitating open conversations so both people in the relationship feel understood, valued, and respected.

Find care with Rula 

It’s healthy to feel close to your partner, but being too interconnected may be a sign of romantic enmeshment. If this feels familiar, know that Rula is available to help. With Rula, you’ll receive access to a diverse network of therapists who can help you address unhealthy habits and build a more balanced future — with or without your partner.

Using our therapist-matching tool, you can find a mental health professional who accepts your insurance and is available to see you virtually as soon as tomorrow.

Get started with Rula today