What is an enmeshed family?

You may not realize it when you’re young, but your family dynamic can play an important role in the person you become later in life. Being raised in a stable and supportive environment typically contributes to greater self-respect, healthy communication skills, and emotional maturity. 

Unfortunately, unhealthy family dynamics like family enmeshment can have the opposite effect. With enmeshment, family members are so involved in each other’s lives that it can impact long-term mental health and well-being. 

How to recognize family enmeshment

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), enmeshment is when two or more people are so involved in each other’s lives that it compromises personal identity and freedom. Enmeshment typically develops between family members, like parents and children, siblings, or even the entire family unit. 

One of the most obvious signs of enmeshment is a lack of personal boundaries. Without clear roles and expectations, each family member can lose their ability to function independently. Parents may become too dependent on their children, looking to them for emotional support or oversharing personal information.

For children, family enmeshment may prevent them from exploring their own identity, values, and goals. They may be discouraged from following their dreams or guilted into prioritizing their parents’ needs over their own.

Signs of family enmeshment in adults:

• You need to know everything about your child’s life.
• You expect your child to follow your values and beliefs.
• You discourage your child from following their dreams.
• Your self-worth depends on your child’s achievements.
• You encourage dysfunctional roles (like parent-child alliances).

Signs of family enmeshment in children:

• You feel like you need to meet other people’s expectations.
• You don’t know how to say no or set healthy boundaries.
• You don’t have a strong sense of who you are.
• You feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems. 
• You serve as the emotional or physical caregiver to a family member.

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Effects of family enmeshment on mental health

Growing up in an enmeshed family can affect your mental, emotional, and social development as early as childhood. A study of kindergarten students found that children from enmeshed families were more likely to have trouble emotionally adjusting to school than children from more emotionally healthy families. Having enmeshed parents or caregivers may also impact children’s ability to make their own decisions, manage their emotions, and meet certain developmental milestones. 

Enmeshment can impact teens too. Growing up with an unhealthy family dynamic — including high levels of family conflict, low levels of cohesiveness, poor communication, and a lack of personal identity — can increase a teen’s risk of depression. Teens with high levels of family enmeshment are also more likely to experience emotional challenges, like quickly jumping to negative moods more frequently and trouble tolerating stress.

As an adult, family enmeshment can lead to:

• Low self-esteem
• Unstable self-image
• Fear of abandonment
• Poor conflict-resolution skills  
• Unhealthy relationship patterns, like codependency 

Four ways to heal from family enmeshment

If enmeshment is part of your life, here are four ways to end harmful patterns and build a healthier future.

1. Recognize the problem. Healing begins with self-awareness. Recognizing that you’re part of an enmeshed family is one of the first steps in learning how to create a more empowering future. If you’re not sure how to start, consider journaling to better understand your thoughts, feelings, and behavior patterns.
2. Create clear boundaries. An important part of the healing process is deciding how you want to be treated by others. If you were raised in an enmeshed family, your parents may have ignored your requests for privacy and independence. Creating and enforcing clear boundaries involves identifying your values and needs and communicating those personal barriers to others. 
3. Focus on you. Growing up in an enmeshed family might mean you never had a chance to prioritize your own needs. If this sounds familiar, make a point to learn more about yourself and what you want in life. For example: What are your strengths? What are your goals and aspirations? You can even start with something as simple as what you’re grateful for each day.
4. Practice self-compassion. Ending long-term habits and behaviors can be tough, so remember to show yourself some kindness and compassion as you navigate your healing journey. Self-compassion is associated with greater life satisfaction, so find some time for mindfulness, positive self-talk, and regular self-care. 

Therapy for family enmeshment 

Challenging enmeshment isn’t easy, but it’s an important step in learning how to take control of your happiness and well-being. Working with a therapist can show you how to build healthier relationships with yourself and your family. Individual therapy — like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) — can help you understand your thoughts and behaviors, heal emotional wounds, and establish healthy boundaries.

If you’re comfortable inviting other people to join your healing journey, consider exploring family therapy. With the support of a therapist, your family can learn to cultivate greater empathy, trust, and conflict-resolution skills. Family therapy can also help uncover the root causes of enmeshment, like parental mental health issues or intergenerational trauma. That said, family therapy might not be right fit if some family members are opposed to treatment or there’s active abuse in the family.

Find care with Rula

Everyone’s family dynamic is different. But if your relationships with your family members are negatively impacting your quality of life, it might be time to reconsider those relationship patterns. With Rula, you’ll receive access to a diverse network of therapists who can help you address unhealthy habits and family dynamics. 

Using our therapist-matching tool, you can find a mental health professional who accepts your insurance and offers the specialized treatment you deserve. Explore our digital platform and diverse provider network today to access care via convenient virtual appointments as soon as tomorrow.

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