Situationship red flags: When and how to walk away

In today’s dating world, many find themselves caught in an undefined romantic entanglement: a situationship. Situationships often lack labels and exclusivity, thriving on inconsistent communication. They may include some aspects of a romantic relationship while ignoring others, which can create confusion. You may be unsure how to define the relationship, set boundaries, or imagine its trajectory. It can also cause emotional distress, leading you to wonder when and how to end a situationship. 

But even if you know that a situationship isn’t right for you, it can be difficult to leave someone with whom you’ve formed an intimate bond. You might also need help prioritizing your physical and emotional needs, rather than the other person’s. But it’s possible to end and move on from a situationship successfully — especially with the support of a qualified and empathetic therapist. 

Signs it may be time to end a situationship

Because of the casual nature of situationships, it is important to remind yourself you have not made a commitment to this individual and are free to not continue interacting with them. You may seek to end a situationships because you want to pursue a more committed and long term romantic relationship, because it no longer aligns with your values or you’re seeking something more consistent. 

When it comes to a situationship, it’s important to trust your instinct. If you feel distressed or even just uncomfortable by any behavior, it’s more than OK to leave your situationship. Often, a toxic situationship shares hallmark signs of a toxic relationship.

Here are signs that your situationship might be toxic:  

• Manipulation: Manipulation isn’t OK in any type of relationship, but it can be harder to detect in a situationship. You might feel like you’re being gaslighted or guilt tripped. For instance, your situationship partner might give you the silent treatment if you try to set a boundary. 
• Breadcrumbing: Breadcrumbing is when someone strings you along so you’re still interested but doesn’t follow through on their promises. Your situationship partner might send texts that indicate they want to meet up, but they rarely finalize any concrete plans. 
• Lying: With a lack of clear communication and boundaries, situationships can be fertile ground for lies. Each person probably isn’t sharing their full life, given the casual nature of situationships. But lying can be a sign to leave a situationship behind. 
• Minimal or one-sided effort: Like with other relationships, a situationship can be toxic if only one person is putting in effort to sustain it. This can look like just one partner initiating meetups or investing emotional energy into the relationship.
• Controlling behavior: Controlling behavior is never OK. But it can be hard to detect in a situationship when parameters haven’t been defined. Red flags can include extreme jealousy, an invasion of your privacy, isolating you from your loved ones, and intimidation and threats.
• Aggression and abuse: It’s essential to put your safety and well-being first — in any type of relationship. If someone is harming you — whether physically or emotionally — you have every right to end the situationship and do what you need to do to protect yourself.

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How to end things while protecting your peace

If you’ve made the decision to end your situationship, you can go about severing ties in a few different ways. Ghosting is common when exiting a situationship. This might make sense for some situations, including if the person is a danger to your emotional or physical health. 

But if you feel safe to discuss your desires with the other person, you can end things with respect and compassion. You might choose to end things in person, or via a phone call, text, or social media message. If you decide to meet in person, it’s important to consider whether it would be best to meet in a public place where other people are present so you feel safe. 

Beyond ghosting, here are a variety of situations and ways to end a situationship: 

• If you want to have an open conversation: You might say, “I’ve really enjoyed my time with you, but I’ve realized that our situation is no longer good for me. I wish you the best. I’m happy to answer any questions you might have.” This is an opportunity to have a conversation with the other person, bringing you both an element of closure. 
• If you want to keep the interaction brief: You can say, “I want to let you know that I’m not happy with our situation anymore. I don’t want to be in contact anymore, and I wish the best for you.” Depending on the mode of communication, you may choose to mute their messages moving forward. 
• If you want to give some feedback to the other person: If you want to air some of your grievances and trust the other person to react maturely, you can say, “I’m ending our situation. I also wanted to give you some feedback on how I feel you treated me, if you’re open to hearing it. My intention is so you can learn from our experience and grow.” You can also include some positive feedback, which can help the person be more receptive to your thoughts. 

If you’re having a hard time deciding when and how to end a situationship, a therapist can provide an objective perspective and guide you toward the outcome that’s most aligned with your goals.

Find care with Rula

Situationships can test your mental health. But therapy can help you discover what you value in your relationships and how to put your well-being first, including ending a situationship when it’s best for you. 

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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