What it means to be an emotional sponge

Empathy can be an incredible strength. It’s what allows us to care deeply about others even when we don’t personally identify with their experiences. People who demonstrate high levels of empathy are sometimes referred to as empaths or emotional sponges. These people tend to be very skilled at sensing the emotions of others, and this can make them more inclined to want to help. 

But at the same time, without boundaries in place, there can be a dark side to empathy. Just like how the sponge in your kitchen sink absorbs water, emotional sponges absorb emotions from other people. And just as a kitchen sponge gets heavy when it’s at capacity, the same is true for emotional sponges. Without a healthy outlet to release the emotions of others, it can feel like a heavy burden that can be very difficult to carry. 

If you feel like you’re an emotional sponge, a therapist can help you set boundaries and protect your mental health while still maintaining your connection with others.  

What being an emotional sponge feels like

Some of the people you admire most might be emotional sponges, and you may even be one yourself. Empathic people often seem kind, considerate, and quick to lend a hand. But inside, they might be struggling in ways that can be hard to detect. 

Someone may be an emotional sponge if they: 

• Are highly sensitive to the emotions and moods of others
• Feel responsible for managing others’ feelings
• Often spring into action to try to solve others’ problems
• Show people-pleasing tendencies, like putting others’ needs before their own
• Have a hard time saying “no” and setting boundaries 
• Are frequently on the receiving end of trauma dumping
• Sometimes lose their sense of identity in relationships
• Have a limited “social battery” and may need time to recover after being in a large group 
• Engage in unhealthy behaviors to cope with the stress of being overly attuned to others’ emotions

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Why you’re feeling other people’s emotions

We don’t yet have a clear understanding of what causes someone to have an overabundance of empathy. However, researchers have discovered a few factors that may contribute to this experience, including:

• Biology: Differences in the areas of the brain that shape how we relate to others and manage emotions may play a role in shaping a person’s empathy level.  
• Psychology: Higher empathy levels can be the result of underlying mental health concerns like depression or anxiety.
• Environment: Exposure to negative childhood experiences — especially severe trauma — can increase a person’s capacity for empathy.

How to stop being an emotional sponge

If you’re struggling to separate other people’s emotions from your own, here are some things that can help:

• Know your triggers. See if you can identify the situations or people that make it more difficult for you to set healthy boundaries. Knowing your triggers can help you take proactive steps to keep your empathy in check. For example, if you have a hard time setting limits with your boss or a parent, and you find yourself constantly absorbing their emotions, consider what you can do to create a buffer between your internal experience and theirs.
• Prioritize self-care. Between school, work, and other responsibilities, how much time do you dedicate to yourself? Emotional sponges are at risk for spending most of their time caretaking or attending to the needs of others. See if you can take some small steps toward prioritizing your own well-being.
• Invest in healthy relationships. Healthy relationships allow for some give and take. And while it won’t necessarily always be 50/50, remember that you deserve to receive as much support as you give. Try to spend less time in relationships that leave you feeling drained. Instead, nurture the relationships in which you feel most safe, seen, and supported.
• Ask for help. If you find yourself overwhelmed by empathy, working with a therapist can help. Therapy can provide a safe space to learn about healthy boundaries, increase your self-awareness, and practice sitting with others’ emotions without absorbing them.

Find care with Rula

Empathy allows us to build bridges of understanding and connection, even with people whose lives and experiences are very different from our own. But at the same time, too much empathy — becoming an emotional sponge — can take a toll on your mental health. Fortunately, with the right support, you can learn to be a kind, compassionate person who also upholds healthy boundaries. Working with a therapist can help you learn to communicate assertively, overcome people-pleasing tendencies, and advocate for yourself in important relationships.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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