When a connection becomes emotional cheating

We tend to associate cheating with physical affairs, but, for many people, emotional cheating can be just as painful. Emotional cheating is when you develop a deep emotional bond with someone other than your partner in a way that breaches agreed-upon boundaries. 

Some estimates suggest that approximately 35% of women and 45% of men in long-term relationships have been involved in some type of emotional affair. And while many emotional affairs don’t begin with bad intentions, they can still lead to conflict, insecurities, and distress for both partners. 

If you and your partner want to rebuild trust and emotional intimacy, support is available through therapy and open communication.  

What’s considered emotional cheating

Emotional cheating is when a person develops an intimate emotional connection with someone other than their partner — like a colleague, fellow parent, or even someone they met online — that oversteps boundaries set in the relationship. You may start to feel closer to this person than your actual partner, sharing your thoughts, feelings, and concerns. For example, you might regularly confide in them about personal struggles before discussing them with your partner or prioritize their messages over your partner’s presence.

It’s important to note that platonic friendships are different from emotional affairs. While it’s normal (and healthy) to have meaningful friendships outside of your romantic relationship, emotional affairs typically cross the line in several ways. 

To start, people tend to hide or downplay emotional affairs. They typically involve greater emotional intimacy than friendships — with people sharing details of their life typically reserved for their romantic partner. And, unlike platonic friendships, emotional affairs can involve chemistry and sexual tension, which can be the starting point for sexual infidelity. 

So how do you know if a shared passion for baking bread or sending memes at work has the potential to evolve into an emotional affair? If you’ve developed a close emotional bond with someone new (or suspect that your partner has), consider the following questions:

• Do you have more intimate conversations with this person than your partner?
• Does this person understand you better than your partner does?
• Are you withholding physical or emotional intimacy from your partner? 
• Do you compare your partner to this person?
• Do you find excuses to spend time with this person?
• Are you spending less time with your partner and more time with this person?
• Are you defensive of relationships or find yourself saying, “We’re just friends?”

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Psychology behind an emotional affair

People cheat for many reasons, but it’s often linked to personal issues or underlying relationship concerns. Having unmet emotional needs can cause someone with an anxious attachment style to look for emotional intimacy outside of their relationship. People with personality traits like narcissism and impulsivity may be more likely to prioritize their own needs, which can increase the chances of emotional infidelity.

Emotional cheating can also be a way to cope with resentment toward your partner, low self-esteem, or other personal insecurities. If you feel unappreciated and uninspired by your partner, you may look elsewhere for that connection.

Navigating the aftermath of emotional cheating

Healthy relationships are based on honesty, trust, and respect. When your partner engages in an emotional affair, it’s completely normal to feel like it’s rocked your relationship to its core. There’s no right or wrong way to proceed after something like this, so take some time to reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and concerns. 

For example, you can ask yourself:

• “How do I feel?” It’s common for emotional infidelity to cause feelings like anxiety and jealousy.
• “What does this say about my relationship?” Use this as a chance to assess your relationship. For example, were you and your partner previously struggling, or did this come as a surprise?
• “Does my partner seem genuinely remorseful?” Consider how you learned about the affair, if your partner is taking responsibility, and how committed they are to rebuilding the relationship. 
• “What’s best for my mental health?” Ultimately, it’s important to do what’s best for you. No matter what happens with the relationship, make a point to prioritize your needs and make time for self-care.

If you and your partner choose to stay together, know that overcoming infidelity is possible. Here are several tips that can help rebuild trust, connection, and emotional intimacy.

• Spend more time together. One of the leading causes of emotional cheating is an emotional disconnect in the relationship. Make a point to spend more time together — whether it be going on weekly dates, texting during your lunch breaks, or even brushing your teeth together each morning. 
• Prioritize communication. Knowing how to effectively communicate can help couples discuss their feelings, understand other perspectives, and navigate difficult conversations with respect.
• Reinforce healthy boundaries. Setting clear boundaries is a chance to voice your wants and needs in the relationship. Every relationship is different, and boundaries can help you decide what you do and don’t feel comfortable with moving forward. 
• Consider therapy. Couples therapy provides a safe space to discuss your relationship and develop skills to create a happier, healthier future. With the support of a therapist, you can learn how to resolve conflict, improve intimacy, and manage unhelpful behaviors. You may also want to consider individual therapy to help you cope with difficult emotions and decide how to move forward.

Find care with Rula

When someone has an emotional affair, it can be extremely damaging to their partner and the relationship. If you’ve experienced emotional cheating and aren’t sure how to move forward with the relationship (or if you even want to), consider therapy. Working with a therapist can help you process your pain, rebuild your self-esteem, and learn how to trust again. 

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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