Going through a divorce? Here’s how to support your kids

Research shows that divorce is often one of the most stressful events in an adult’s life. But it can also leave a lasting impact on the entire family. Many parents worry about how their divorce will affect their children in the long run. But rest assured that many people whose parents divorced when they were young go on to lead full, healthy lives.  While your family structure may change after a divorce, there are things you can do to show your children that your love for them will always remain the same.

The three most effective ways to support children during a divorce

Without adequate support, a high-conflict divorce can lead to childhood trauma that can seriously impact a young person’s mental health. Fortunately, there are some things you can do to support your child’s well-being during and after your divorce. 

If you’re worried about your child’s mental health, consider:

1. Seeking professional help

If needed, consider involving your child in individual or family therapy. You can also reach out to their school counselor to see if they offer small-group counseling for children of divorced parents. Any of these options can provide your child with a safe space to process big emotions and navigate change.

2. Creating a supportive environment

You can help your child adjust to change by establishing and maintaining predictable routines. During this time, be sure to keep the lines of communication open, and reassure them that you love them and will never leave them. You may also need to remind your child that divorce is a “grown-up problem” and that it is in no way their fault. It’s also important to keep showing up and being involved in your child’s life even after the divorce is finalized.

3. Encouraging healthy coping mechanisms

Encourage your child to practice healthy strategies for managing big emotions. This might include creative hobbies like painting or drawing, physical activities, and even kid-friendly mindfulness activities like breathing exercises. Also, be aware that divorce can cause a temporary dip in academic performance or social functioning for some children. So talk to your child’s teachers and other educators to request additional support or accommodations if needed.

What are the potential effects of divorce on children?

Just like with adults, children are affected by divorce in many different ways. The impact of divorce is often shaped by things like:

• The child’s age when the divorce happens 
• The level of parental conflict a child was exposed to before and during the divorce
• The way parents co-parent and interact after the divorce is finalized
• The child’s unique temperament
• Your parenting style
• Household stability
• Family characteristics (like socioeconomic status or cultural background)
• Parental absence
• Availability of outside support systems
• Remarriage
• Custody arrangements
• Environmental changes (like a relocation to a new city or state)

No matter the circumstances of your divorce, it’s likely that your child will need some extra support as they navigate change in their home life and family structure. You can reach out to their teacher, school counselor, therapist, or other caring adults to privately share what’s happening. 

It’s also important to be aware of the signs that may indicate that your child is struggling. These can vary based on the age of your child and may include the following.

Younger children (ages 5-7)

• Unexplained physical aches and pains (like headaches)
• Stomach problems
• New or worse separation anxiety
• Difficulty with emotional regulation 
• Behavioral regressions or acting younger than their age (like bed-wetting, refusing to sleep in their bed, tantruming, or wanting a pacifier)
• Feeling like their “bad” behavior is the cause of the divorce

Tweens (ages 8-10)

• Frequent emotional distress and tearfulness
• More conflict with friends or siblings
• Loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy
• Withdrawing from family activities
• Demonstrating heightened anger, frustration, or embarrassment
• Feeling pressured to “pick a side” in an attempt to keep the peace or take responsibility for their parents’ emotional well-being

Preteens and teens (ages 11-18)

• Acting out at home or school
• Engaging in unsafe activities (like substance use or skipping class)
• Loss of trust in others, especially adults
• Persistent moodiness or extreme mood swings
• Having a generally negative attitude, even about things they used to enjoy
• A loss of interest in planning for their future
• A decline in academic performance
• Feelings of guilt about going to college or leaving home 
• Feeling that they should sacrifice their future plans to help take care of things at home after the divorce

Four tips for how to tell kids about divorce

There are many difficult things about getting divorced. But for many parents, breaking the news to their children is one of the hardest parts. While it will most likely be emotional for everyone involved, there are some things you can do to prepare for the conversation.

1. Talk to each other first 

If both you and your spouse or ex-spouse will be there, agree on what you will and won’t share. Kids don’t need to know all the details about the reasons for the divorce. But you should be prepared to tell them some honest information about why it’s happening. For example, if the marriage is ending due to an affair, your children don’t need to know this. If older children press you for additional details, you can just share that the marriage is ending because of a loss of trust or connection.

2. Choose the right place and time

This is not a conversation to have during the busy time before your kid(s) leave for school or when they’re otherwise distracted. It’s also important that the adults who will guide the discussion are emotionally calm and in a space where they can peacefully communicate with one another. Allow plenty of time for discussions and questions.

3. Be prepared for a variety of responses

Some children might be shocked when they learn what’s happening, while others may have been expecting the conversation for a long time. Either way, they may become angry, be in denial, or show signs of sadness or anxiety. But no matter their response, give them time and space to feel whatever comes up for them. Remember, all of their emotions, even the contradictory ones, are valid. For example, it’s okay to feel happy that they won’t have to listen to their parents fighting even though they may also feel sad that the divorce is happening.

4. Offer reassurance

Children look to their parents for safety and reassurance. A major shift like a divorce can leave them feeling anxious and insecure because, for the time being, they can no longer depend on the predictability of the past. Keep reminding them that while their family is changing, your love for them will not. Talk to them about the custody arrangements or any other important changes. Let them know that you’re there to listen and that their feelings are important.

Find care with Rula

Divorce and separation can be an unsettling experience for children and families. But fortunately, there are things you can do to help your child navigate this transition. At Rula, we believe that finding individual, couples, and/or family therapy shouldn’t be a complicated process. 

Our therapist-matching program is designed to help you find an in-network provider who can meet your needs in just a few clicks. And from there, we’ll be there with support and guidance at every step of the way. No matter what mental health issue you’re facing, Rula can help you access the individualized care you deserve.

Find a therapist with Rula