What is divorce counseling, and when should you go?

For many people, divorce is a difficult experience. Ending a relationship with a long-term partner, someone you thought you’d spend your whole life with, is incredibly difficult. And unlike other forms of loss, the grief associated with divorce is often less visible. People going through a divorce may not feel as comfortable sharing their feelings about the experience with friends or loved ones. 

But know that, with the right support, there are things you can do to bring some peace to the process. Like couples counseling, divorce counseling can help you and your ex-spouse tackle the challenges of separating your lives in a supportive environment based on mutual respect.

When is best to start divorce counseling?

Divorce can be a time of extreme stress for everyone involved. There are practical considerations, like the division of assets and custody arrangements. But this is also a deeply emotional experience that can bring up feelings of loneliness, confusion, anger, betrayal, and grief. 

If you and your former spouse need help navigating the process, it might be helpful to seek divorce counseling with a licensed mental health professional. 

You can start this process whenever it makes the most sense for you and your current or ex-partner. You both just need to agree to commit to the process together. Couples seek divorce counseling in various parts of the divorce process, including:

• When you’re considering a divorce
• Once you agree to end your marriage
• After your divorce is legally finalized
• Or at any other time throughout your separation

What can I expect from divorce counseling?

Unlike what you might see on TV or in movies, getting a divorce doesn’t always mean that the former spouses despise each other. There will undoubtedly be moments of anger and frustration during your divorce process. But many people who still love or respect each other decide to get a divorce. 

Also, many couples with children want to strengthen their co-parenting relationship as their family structure changes. Divorce counseling can help former spouses understand each other’s feelings, improve communication, and adjust to being divorced parents. 

Some of the topics covered in divorce counseling include:

• Grieving the end of a marriage and the life you imagined you’d have together
• Co-parenting through a difficult experience
• Custody arrangements
• Healthy communication during conflict
• Joint decision making
• Talking to friends and family about the divorce
• Shifting identities after the divorce
• Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries
• Talking to children about the separation and divorce
• Navigating changes in the household
• Healing from broken trust
• Introducing new partners to children
• Maintaining a healthy relationship over time

Like in couples counseling, in divorce counseling your therapist will ensure that both parties feel equally heard and supported. In other words, a divorce counselor does not take “sides.” Instead, they will model healthy communication, identify unhelpful patterns, and help participants heal as individuals.

Throughout divorce counseling, you can expect to have some tough moments. There may be times when raw emotions and frustrations come up. After all, you’re there to discuss what may be one of the most challenging events in your life. But what’s most important is that both people commit to fully engaging in the process. Keep in mind that it’s about working toward a shared goal of a healthier, more constructive separation.

Does divorce counseling work?

Compared to other forms of therapy, divorce counseling is less common. So there is limited information on how well it works. Some research shows that it may help people increase their confidence and positivity during their divorce. But in general, divorce counseling can provide many of the same benefits as couples counseling. What’s different in this case is the context. 

For example, one of the most common goals of couples counseling is to help people learn to resolve conflict more effectively. Often, couples remain in a conflict cycle when they cannot address the underlying causes. In divorce counseling, participants can learn to identify their sources of conflict so they can move forward, often as co-parents, with healthier communication skills.

You can be facing a “rocky” end of a relationship and still benefit from divorce counseling. You don’t have to have a conflict-free dynamic or be at total peace with your ex-partner to work together toward a healthier divorce. You both just need to be open to the process and committed to constructively working through your challenges. 

However, as is the case with other forms of couples counseling, divorce counseling is not recommended for volatile relationships or in situations where active abuse is taking place due to safety concerns. In these cases, individual counseling or other supportive resources are typically recommended.

Find care with Rula

No matter the reasons for your separation, research shows that going through a divorce can be very stressful. But by going to divorce counseling, you and your former spouse can learn to communicate more effectively, honor each other’s feelings, and move forward with mutual understanding and respect. It can even lead to better mental and physical health for everyone involved.

At Rula, we partner with many types of therapists to make it easier for you to get the support you need. In just a few clicks, you can use our therapist-matching program to find a therapist who takes your insurance and is available for your first appointment this week. 

Find a therapist with Rula